Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Lost, that is so me. Thanks. Haiku version

Fear is the cheapest
Room in the house. I'd like to
See you in the best.

Thanks for the smile, Una.

I love your version.

Dear T,

I feel weird about how session went today. The energy just felt off. Maybe it's because you're stressed? And/or because, for part of session, I was trying to talk about anything except the move? So I wasn't being authentic? And the good-bye just felt off. Usually, if you say "have a good couple days," and I say, "thanks, you, too," you'll say "thanks" or "I appreciate that." So your just saying "You're welcome" today felt weird. Especially as I got really emotional in the last few minutes.

I do think I want to do in-person Tuesday. If today had felt good, I might have opted to just do virtual. I feel like I should have just left it be at Friday and not come in person today, but of course I can't go back in time. I know I risk Tuesday being difficult, if your office is more empty. But maybe if I could be more authentic, even if its painful and I'm crying much of the time, it would feel better? Hope it works out that I can come in.

Love,
LT

--- see you in better.

Well, you have an email.

I imagine you were anticipating some kind of verbal response from me, rather than a soluble one...although you probably expected that too.

Of course, virtual is better than nothing, and if that's what you're offering, that's what I get...

If the one thing I've managed to keep thanks to Steve is 'Self care requires telling the damn truth', then I need to share how I feel about this.

My fear is losing control, because sharing space helps so much with the settling.

It's hard for me that I only have the vaguest idea of what actual therapeutic work we did last week.

It takes some to make it so that I don't even want a written record of the session.

See you Thursday,

Lost

Dear T,

Now I'm sort of wondering whether I want to even see you at all this week, whether in-person or virtual. If you're really stressed about the move, which is fully understandable, and I'm upset about it, I just am unsure how it would go well.

I had the thought earlier that maybe we could do something fun, like a game--Uno perhaps? But when I mentioned that ages ago before a vacation, you'd said we should discuss it first. And I didn't bring it up, so I doubt you'd go for it tomorrow. And we could only do some sort of online game Thursday. Trivia is out, as you've already said you dislike that. I could show you more photos, I guess.

I thought yesterday that you'd tell me some interesting stories about objects in the room, but that hit a total dead end. I want something connecting and relaxed. But is that possible at this point? I guess if I'm considering canceling entirely, I have until 1 today to decide....

Love,
LT

I am angry about not being angry anymore.

Dear T,

Visiting the lobby of the new office made me feel a bit better about the move. It took away at least a bit of the unknown. And I do think it was about my coming up with something to help the fear. I wish you'd recognized that, rather than seeming freaked out by the prospect of my running into you there. Maybe we can talk about it more tomorrow.

It's a completely different thing, but it makes me think of when I decided to try that walk 100 miles in a month thing. How I thought it was a good source of motivation, and you were all negative about it. Obviously, there were different reasons behind your reactions, but still. It feels a bit undermining in a way.

Love,
LT

Visiting the future is draining work.

In the here and now, I need to be heard and understood.

Hey L guess what, you know that emotional regulation stuff we worked so much on? Well the switch finally flipped, as it were, and I find myself able to do it at long last. At least I got here before I turn 62 soon huh? haha

Thanks for being cool about my medical emergency that is still going on. But I do feel pretty guilty. I think its common for people going through medical stuff to feel guilty at times.

Dear T,

Still feel a bit sad about seeing your office in person for the last time today. But I felt the session was pretty connected, which was what I needed and had missed Sunday.

I want to talk more about how you understood I was looking for connection Sunday, but didn't want to give it in the way I was seeking. It would be good if, in the future, you could just acknowledge that. I know you said today you were concerned about hurting me. But it seems like it would hurt less if it felt like you picked up on what I was looking for. So I'd at least feel seen.

And it's a little thing, but your saying "take care" when I left felt nice (much better than "you're welcome" from last time). Then, after I turned back and said "goodbye, office," started crying, then apologized, your gently saying "It's OK" helped a lot.

Wish I could message you to let you know I arrive safely at my destination, but I know that's not what the relationship is. Talk to you Thursday.

Love,
LT

Of all the emails I have ever sent, then wished they'd self-destruct....that was the one.

I needed to get it out, and that was probably not the way to do it.

Well, I'll face the music in the morning.

Why am I not looking forward to seeing you? Doctors and therapy appointments are now just as stressful as work was.

I'm just shoving in the anti nausea and heartburn meds and valium and anything else I can take so I can be ok at our session.

Edit: that was so uncomfortable when you said "see you next week honey" just as you opened the door and I came face to face with some random guy and my former therapist.

It was just cringy.

Dear T,

As my friend pointed out, maybe it would be easier if I felt I could be angry at you for all these last-minute changes. Or at least blame you. Of course, I don't know the whole story. Did you cut corners somewhere? Neglect to research whether a permit was needed? Not do due diligence in choosing your contractor? Or leave enough overlap/contingency time in case something went wrong or got behind schedule? Or did you do your absolute best, and things just went to s***, as they do sometimes?

You just seemed so stressed today--it was difficult to feel angry with you. I wanted to reassure you, to tell you, "It will be OK." But that's not my place. I just tried to be understanding instead, even when you had to interrupt the session not once, but twice. It was just weird having you go from your image to just your name, plus cutting off audio. I suppose it was better than your saying you had to end the session. And you gave me the time at the end. It was still difficult (maybe would have felt different in person, though maybe you'd have left the room).

So, I'll think about all this more and maybe we can discuss Monday. In your old office. Maybe it depends on what the updates are at that point.

Love you,
LT

Two more sleeps until we pick up the most important thread of that bombshell session.

I wonder whether you recall the point you made, in the midst of everything.

It's painfully accurate, which is why I think you had a difficult time bringing it into the open.

Years ago, I wrote the phrase 'I'm scared and I need you not to be' on a piece of paper...that still stands.

For someone whose life is made from words, you'd think I'd find it easier to use them when needed.

Dear T,

Miss you. Monday seems far away, especially as I'm on solo duty with D until sometime tomorrow afternoon (or evening, if H hits bad traffic).

Wondering whether you have any updates about the move. I know I could email to ask, but, I mean, you could have an update today that could change by Monday, the way things are seeming. Though I also have this fear that you'll need to cancel Monday at the last minute, like if you need to handle something with the new office at that time (though maybe that's why you asked me to switch my time to a bit later?) I think the calls you had to take/make Thursday during session put that in my head. Will there be more disruption? I guess you can't predict that.

It was just easier when there was a set schedule for the move, a plan, including how I'd be doing sessions. I was going to be meeting you virtually (probably) from the new office Monday, then hopefully go in person later in the week, depending on paint odor. And now, who knows? I'll likely be in your old office Monday. Will we meet there again after that? How long until the new office? Have they even painted yet? I had figured maybe I would have been on the path to getting used to your new office by mid-July. Now, who knows?

Again, I'm sure this is all a zillion times more stressful for you. And you probably wish you had the answers to those questions (maybe you do, or at least better answers?) It's just difficult, all the unknowns. I also trust that I can get through it. But am hoping that "it" can be done with sooner than later...

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, OK, part of this is that I wish we had the sort of relationship where I could just shoot you a text saying, "Thinking about you with the move stress. How are you doing? Any updates?" Which is what I'd be doing with a friend or relative. I know I could email, and you'd reply tomorrow morning, but it's different. As I partly want to know how *you* are doing personally, and you tend to get squirrelly and closed off when I ask such things--I know, because the relationship is supposed to be about what's going on with me, not you. But, I care.

Love,
LT