Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

Feeling a bit nervous about our session today. I just think of how we've had ruptures right before my vacation (thinking of 2022) and how bringing up something I want to discuss further today about outside contact is risky. Maybe I can just focus on the less risky aspect, an idea I had?

And after this, we'll just have the Wed. virtual one while I'm away, then only two normal sessions before *your* vacation, so this feels like a risky time in general. I think everything would have been so much better had you just moved at the end of June like planned. Then that one rupture (presumably) wouldn't have happened. I'd be used to the new office now. I wouldn't feel so anxious in bringing things up.

I guess I'll just see how it goes and how I'm feeling... As I know *not* talking about stuff on my mind also doesn't serve me well. But maybe that's better than a conflict? And maybe if I talk about the one aspect, it won't cause a conflict? I don't know...I wish you were more predictable. And consistent.

Love,
LT

I understand every word, LT.

All the hugs.

Thanks, Lost. Hugs back.

Writhing in process
New knowledge burning - too much.
Disappointment hurts

Dear T,

Some awkward moments in there (perhaps inevitable due to the topic of the second half--which I hadn't intended to talk about, but probably better that I did before vacation). But I think that was generally a good session. Thanks for explaining more about the outside contact stuff and for being flexible about Wednesday. Still wish the session schedule wasn't all weird for the next 2 weeks (I know part of that is my own vacation). I appreciate the series of drive safely, take care, and be well wishes at the end.

We still have some repair to do. But I'm glad we didn't add any wreckage to the pile.

Love,
LT

You cancelled 2 hours before we were supposed to meet. Tbh, my headphones aren't going to be here until later today and I was wondering how our session would be without me wearing headphones. So it kinda works out.

Dear T,
I've been at the beach approximately 90 minutes, and I've already had a bit of a fight with H and my parents. This bodes well... D did give me a hug when I arrived, so that's...something at least. Sorta wish I could talk to you tomorrow, but Wednesday morning works (and H said he could leave the condo for the time of session, which I really appreciate).

Feels weird having just been here 2 weeks ago. Sitting in this exact spot on the couch, feeling very upset about some of what we'd talked about--though we repaired well the next day. Maybe that's part of what's affecting me in the moment? Like, I need time to adapt and adjust and let my feelings settle a bit. Though really, after a semi-long car ride, I tend to just want to sit for a bit anyway.

Love,
LT

I think my email offended you. I was kinda talking in code.

I was supposed to have a session with someone on the 12th. She messaged in the morning on the day saying her child wasn’t well as he was teething and she had been up with him at night she didn’t feel she could give me her full attention. . I said that was fine. Gave her other dates that I was free. She said she could do the 20th and 21st. I said that worked for me. She read my message on Thursday, but it got to 6.30pm yesterday (the 19th) and she still hadn’t offered me a time.

Perhaps I could have waited a little bit longer, but I asked for a refund. I didn’t like the idea of getting a late message and suddenly having to drop whatever I was doing even if it wasn’t anything in particular, but more than anything it was bringing up old feelings of being forgotten about. That I wasn’t worth being a priority.

Hi R,

I'm feeling emotionally exhausted at the moment.
It feels so odd to have these conversations with other people.

Yesterday I asked the person on the helpline for reassurance that she could hold what I'm bringing to the table.

Three times as much support...do you understand how difficult that is to find?

Lost

I haven't gotten a link from you yet. I'm not worried I just wish my house didn't smell so bad tbh but thats a different issue.

Dear T,

Your reply really did help. And I resisted the urge to ask if you had any availability today. I need to spend it with my family. And we're talking tomorrow morning. I can manage.

Love you,
LT

Why were you kinda off today? Thats not really like you. I don't know if I should discuss it or not. We literally just talked about when to talk about this sort of stuff and when to let it go.

Well. Thanks for not actually validating anything I said in my email, just saying you were fine and thanks for asking. I have a feeling something is wrong but its none of my bussiness and I should just let it go.

I still feel weird about today. I know you have your own issues so I'm trying not to be pushy about things or take them personal. But I felt kinda cut off after your email

You asked about me going back to work too. I'm trying.

My cat crashed our session and you said he was fluffy but you didn't seem too intrested in him.

Maybe we should have just skipped this week entirely

Two down, two to go.

Showing up to virtual sessions with no idea what I'm going to talk about is really hard for me.

I can't talk about the things I need to talk about.

I tell you I'm wound up, and you respond that doesn't come across.

Believe me when I say this isn't working for me, please.

I did end up doing that session after she apologised and I felt like it was sincere.

One session every 4- 6 months seems to work for me. My last one was in April.

Three weeks no contact with my old friend, and I’m glad it ended after seeing the recent devastation.

I hope my pdoc doesnt get involved in the advil issue. Its not a mental health problem or med so he shouldnt get pissed.

Under normal circumstances, I have no doubt we would have spent time talking about today and helping me to prepare for it.

I didn't even mention it yesterday, and I'm not too keen on the idea of sending a check in email afterwards.

I'm finding it hard to feel safe with you to the degree that I need to at the moment.

Speak soon,

Lost

Maintaining connection in absence is very hard. I haven't missed you, meeting again feels very remote, I feel embarrassed about our previous session. What is the purpose of you? I can do work on my own so I wonder why I bother with trying to relate to you as well. Maybe it's just too hard for me. Like chilli flakes on a jalapeno in a Scotch Bonnet stew.

I wish i had had this when my longterm t asked me to say what "family" meant to me.

I feel like your telling my brothers therapist about some of the stuff we talk about. Why would he ask what my brother did with his dishes while my mom was gone if I didn't complain to you about it?

I swear theres a mole in the office.

Dear T,

Home safe, despite a bad panic attack shortly before the bridge--I think triggered by the Google Maps-warned backup and two-way traffic (which wasn't there a couple weeks ago). I pulled out all the stops, blasting cold air on my face, trying to drink water (though my throat was tight), trying to breathe through it, using the peppermint and calming oils I had with me, and clutching the stone (which I haven't used in recent bridge crossings). I also imagined you telling me "You can get through this" and "I believe in you." Which helped. I made it through.

I was tempted to take the pre-bridge exit to collect myself, but I had the pigs with me, and it was already a long drive (exacerbated by traffic). I felt it would be better to push through (though I know it would have been OK to take the exit if I hadn't felt safe to drive).

I had an insight about how I felt when I was leaving the condo today that I think is worth exploring with you. As it ties into feelings I've had with other things. And I might know what it's about, but we need to discuss that more.

Miss you. Glad I'm seeing you Sunday, but sad it will be just that and Tuesday, then you're away for a week (though I will see R once in there--well, and p-doc, but I see that being a stressful meeting, as it's been so long).

Love you,
LT

L, is there any possibility you might be open to another phone check-in? I'll try not to ask. But I might. Something happened this week that well, I don't think I can talk about with anybody else.

This letting go is very slow.

That’s not right. HIPAA is a huge deal and they should never talk about clients to other family member’s therapist about what you said unless someone was in danger. I’d be ticked!

I can't really tell her though unless I tell her stuff about my brother. Its like some therapists know thats how they can break HIPAA. Because it will backfire on the client.

I had a therapist block me on facebook and the only way I can talk about it is by telling on myself that I found out

I did talk to my current therapist about something I found out online about a former therapist and I had to lie when she asked how I knew