How to be more serious in therapy?

**** this was long. TL/DR: Can't stop joking in therapy. How to be taken seriously?

I get really uncomfortable talking about a lot of stuff so I turn it into jokes in very poor taste and I think it makes her think I'm not taking recovery seriously when I'm like "yeahhh, mom just kicked me out, got assaulted--see my pretty eye make up???--pretty soon I'm sure my new roommate's gonna rape me for quitting our band and I might as well buy the vodka and the roofie for him."

I know I know. If I want to be taken seriously it should be more like:
"My mom doesn't trust me anymore, and it feels terrible to have lost that trust. Now I'm in an even less safe environment where I've already been assaulted and my PTSD is on high alert and I keep wondering if I'll ever be in a safe environment ever again."

Do I seriously have to write out every single ****ing word I want to say in therapy before going in so I don't impulsively come out with "damn, this therapy stuff is hard, I can't think. Mind if I have a sip of "water" from my "water bottle" because "water" helps me open up?"

(I am 50 days sober today, I am just in that "still joking about it to normalize it" mode.)

I worry she thinks I'm overexaggerating or I'm complaining too or I can't handle it or I'm being too pessimistic or I have no coping skills or I can't look at things in any way other than "my life sucks, wanna die." (More like, HEY LOOK, MY LIFE SUCKS, LET'S PARTY TO DEATH!" lmao am I right?)

I joked my way through 20yrs of therapy.

Yeah, see, I don't want 20 years of therapy. I want to get better.

Better at joking?

People don't go to therapy to become comedians, dickhead

I wish I knew what to say that could be helpful. I've been doing this therapy thing with current t for omg 12 years now (with breaks from time to time, the longest of which lasted a full year) and I still laugh while talking about certain things (that are decidedly not funny) in therapy for me it's absolutely a defense. Like if I laugh, I don't have to feel. I laugh so I don't cry. Which is odd because I cry so easily about lesser things.

Therapy is hard.

Could you show your T what you posted here? I mean, not showing this site, but copying and pasting it, then showing it to her? I've done that before, shown something I've written because I didn't know how to say it.

If that feels too exposing, maybe you could say that you know you joke around too much, but it feels like too much to just say everything honestly that you're feeling experiencing. And ask for suggestions on doing that. Like a middle ground of some sort.

ETA: I've been seeing my therapist for 6 years, which is a long time. (And a different one for 6 years before that.) But in the past year or so, I've really let my guard down about some things and just kind of let it out. It's been difficult and painful at times. But I've had so much insight since then and have made lots of progress in that year.

This is very much going to show my age, but I think of the MTV Real World slogan, of "This is what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real." I had to let myself get real.

I think writing it out every time is a good way to say things if that helps you. Can she help you drop the comedy? This must be a well known defence and hopefully she has experience with helping people to stop using it to hide and avoid. People who have commented already are right, therapy is hard and overcoming our defences and the adjustments we have made thus far to stay (psychically or physically) alive is extremely risky. However, it isn't a job you need to do alone - she should be able to help. It will be really hard for you to know how to express yourself differently as you aren't used to it. Maybe finding a new way to express your pain will come as you explore that you aren't exaggerating and that you don't need to shock in order to be taken seriously. It seems less about whether she thinks you are exaggerating and more about whether that is what you think that about yourself.

I cried for like 40 minutes straight on Friday occasionally wailing about loed noises or muscle spasms, how's that for not joking?

But I think I'm just going to prep for therapy ahead of time for now on and make more of an effort to stick to the script

What has helped me in my therapy is taking notes while listening.