*A lot* of anxiety induced Qs about upcoming appointments

-Therapy tomorrow. Thinking of doing another phone appointment. Third or fourth in a row if I recall correctly? I know she scheduled one on the phone, and then I couldn't drive because insomnia, and then I couldn't drive because benzo drunk, and I don't really know how much I slept vs. how much I just hardcore dissociated but in either case I haven't slept more than 40 minutes at a time in like a week and no more than 2 hours in a night and there's been four all nighters in the past week if my log is correct so I don't really think I can drive and I don't want to ask anyone else to drive me because everyone's already pissed at me for not being able to sleep. So is she going to be worried or pissed or frustrated that I keep avoiding seeing her in person (ESPECIALLY since one of those times I was high af), also especially considering last time I saw her in person she was concerned about my weight loss and wanted me to go to an eating disorder center.

-How do you do therapy with untreated ADHD and can't focus/remember stufff/process words/stick to one topic when meditation makes you hallucinate and even though yoga doesn't you can't really do that right now because you literally fall just trying to fill up a cup of water.

-How do you get over the feeling of being judged by your t? Like, can't even bring up that you feel judged/hated by your t?

-Pdoc appointment next week. If it's not snowing/ice storming it's in person, which means they'll weigh me and take my vitals. According to my fitness tracker watch thing my resting heart rate is 51. My BMI is 16.2. My eyes are super red from constantly purging. I am literally covered in bruises from falling and being tackled by my roommate. Is she going to be suspicious if I make it a phone appointment?

-If I do go in person, would they be able to tell if I tricked the scale by drinking a shyt ton of water, putting crap like change in my pockets, wearing a ton of layers but hiding them under sweat pants and a sweat shirt and raised my heart rate with a bunch of caffeine, and just said I was really sleep deprived? If she asks to see my arms (if my case manager tells her I've been SHing which I'm usually honest with her, pdoc usually asks to to make sure nothing's infected or needs stitches), how do I explain the bruises without concerning her?

How do I convince pdoc to take me off of med management when not knowing when I'm taking my meds, having to "perform" in front of my CW, and not having control of what I take makes me super anxious and a little paranoid?

edited to add: My pdoc wanted me to call her if I had another all-nighter or slept less than two hours after the second night of med changes. I had an all nighter the night before last night and I don't know how much of last night was sleep and how much was just hardcore dissociation but either way I didn't sleep more than 40 minute straight and if that was sleep it didn't happen more than 3 times. I know she said to call, but I feel it's pointless so should I bother?

-Why tf am I in treatment?

You should call your pdoc.

As for the rest, what are you really worried about? What’s the real concern? Losing the freedom to keep abusing yourself? Maybe it would be nice to relax and let someone else be in control for a bit?

I agree with calling your pdoc. You mention recent med changes, and insomnia can be a side effect. Getting that little sleep is really bad for you.

And it's probably good to at least let them be aware of your current heart rate if you go in person. And weight if you want them to help you, but I understand why you might be worried about their reaction.

I'm sorry about this thread. My anxiety is over the top about everything right now and I'm afraid of my therapist and my psychiatrist. Nammu I so know you're right, but you are on the spot.. I don't want to lose the freedom to abuse myself. I tried following my pdoc's meal plan for two days and did nothing but cry and panic those two days. Now I've given over my meds and I feel like I've been screwed over because of that.

It's not a med thing I just had med changes yesterday, but I've been having trouble sleeping since April it's just gotten a lot worse over the past couple weeks.

I did leave a message for my pdoc

edit: pdoc called back and she said not to leave the house and come in next Friday for genesight testing to see why meds don't work. She's going to give me Geodon tonight to see what that does. She so badly wants me to go back on Zyprexa but I refuse to binge every fking night for hours and then pass out in the middle and wake up like 3lbs heavier every day.

There's a zyprexa that causes less weight gain. My Dr wants me on zyprexa too. I told him I'm only willing to go on the one that causes less weight gain. He agreed if this doesn't work that's the next step.

You really want to put together little meals of safe foods, preprep them and set a timer for every 3 or so hours and force them down and to stay down or they will take your options to feed yourself away. Which maybe a good thing for now. That way you see a Dr about all the falling.

There are ways to trick the scales and the Drs but you need the help. You deserve help. I ask that you write a list of everything you don't want to tell pdoc and hand it to them and sit down quietly and wait. You can do this. It's scary, and hard but you can do it.

I am PISSED. I was just thinking "okay, I'm going to go to therapy and give in," but My therapist obvioiusly hates me and doesn't give a fk and heard I'm in crisis and is like "screw it, I'm leaving." She cancelled today's appointment because "something came up" and next week's because she's "on vacation." So today through the weekend I have no one and Monday-Wednesday I have my case manager and then I'm supportless again.

Some fking ACT team when your T abandons you every time you struggle and thelr on-call line never calls back.

I can't take the lybalvi (the no weight gain zyprexa) because they think I'm going to take a large dose of fentanyl if I'm on it or something due to how the samidorphan works. (Yet they trust me with Klonopin when I abuse benzos????)

I'm really sorry she canceled.