Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Thanks, LT.

Yes, L wanted to do safety planning with me tomorrow. It just pissed me off even more. She has no right to do safety planning with me. She's not my active therapist. She doesn't get that privilege. I told her so, and she said she understands.

She came up with an agenda: Check in, Grounding, Processing, then Reassurance fears and I love yous. Based upon our past, grounding will be connecting or meditation. I guess processing is talking out my anger.

This session was supposed to be about reconnecting. It was supposed to be a joyful session. Instead, I feel like it will be a tease and salt in the wound.

I think part of my anger is that I'm struggling to hold on anymore. I'm forgetting things. Maybe it's the attachment and transference going away, leaving the painful truths of our relationship? The truth that there have been many many unfair things in our relationship. I feel, that her as a therapist, her life isn't supposed to impact mine as much as it has. No other therapist has put me through so much. It's unfair in a therapeutic relationship.

L did agree that our goal for tomorrow is not to focus on reassurances. That it's more important to focus on truths and talking everything out.

I'm not looking forward to this. Whether it reconnects us or makes us more distant, it's going to hurt. Nothing can improve until she comes back. As I told her, we're at a stalemate.

It's really hard when you're suffering and angry at the person you want comforting from... Tonight, I feel scared of tomorrow. I feel the urge to reach out to L for comforting. But there's nothing she can say or do to bring me comfort. It's just the memory of how she used to comfort me, but she can't. And that makes me more angry. It's turning into a vicious cycle.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, Scarlet. I hope your session today is helpful in some way.

I am sorry too & really hope you can get something out of the session. Let us know how it goes ❤️❤️❤️

Was this a session you had planned in advance when she first went on leave? And now you won't have regular sessions again til she returns to work? I ask because it is interesting how your feelings have changed about the session - from initially wanting it for connection, warmth etc, to now rejecting it because it's (she's?) useless and it's painful. That shift occurring during her absence feels significant. I ask about the one-off nature of the session (as in, this isn't the recommencing of your regular sessions) because that feels disruptive to me, especially given the processes you are going. It almost feels like these processes are private and her dipping in and then out is disorientating and takes you away from yourself.

So sorry Scarlet. I'm also hoping that you can get something good/connecting and helpful out of the session.

The session was planned before she went on leave. It is hard having just one session with her when we're not returning to full-time. It's like a tease: look what you can't have. I guess it is very disruptive because I've been learning to cope without her, and then she comes back in for a minute and then leaves again.

I could cancel the session, but I have a huge fear of missing out. I don't know what I'll miss out on, but I feel like it there's a chance for something good to come of this, then I want that chance.

You said something else that really triggered me, in a good way. You used the word "useless". That reminded me of something L taught me: people are to be loved and objects are to be used, not the other way around. Maybe she is useless to me right now, but that doesn't mean I just stop loving her. Same with all the anger, rage, and hatred, I still love her. Maybe she can't do anything for me, but I don't need to kick her out of my life. Maybe that's what holding on looks like? You just hold into the love when there's nothing else to hold onto?

I don't think you can consciously decide to start or stop loving her anyway so all you can do is process what you feel.

Scarlet, your comment about "holding on" makes me think of this song by Death Cab for Cutie ("Rand McNally Atlas") that I kept listening to while I was having a rupture with Dr. T about a year ago (the "love thing," as we call it). The verses of the songs don't fit, but he keeps repeating in the chorus, "But I won't let the light fade, I won't let the light fade." Then near the end, he says, "I'm holding on, holding on." I saw "the light" being the bond in the relationship, the good stuff that's there. It was easier to run away, to let the light go out. But I wanted to try to push through that, and I'm glad I did.

So I agree with your thoughts on holding onto the love when there might not be something else to hold onto--L being able to see you regularly right now, the unknown future with her, etc. Maybe that's something you can talk about, how to hold onto that?

Well that hurt like hell. Seeing her, doing our routines, getting to spill my guts to someone, only to say goodbye for another 2 months. I'll see if I can remember all we talked about later. For now, I must go distract as I do not feel safe.

Hugs, Scarlet--I'm sorry it was so painful. Feel free to share (here or you're also welcome to PM me) when you feel ready. Take care of yourself.

She started with "Hi. It's good to see you". Normally, I'd reply "It's good to see you, too." I just said "Hi." We went straight into our routine. First, what feeling was most present. I said anger and fear. Then was safety. I said I was safe. Then sleep. Then smoking. Then we dived into the pain. This is where it gets blurry. We talked about how unfair it is that her life affects mine. She said that divulging personal information was a decision we made together because information helps me understand what's going on and helps me not take things personally. I felt blamed, like it's my fault. If I didn't choose to know details, then her life wouldn't affect me so badly??? We talked about how the boundaries are unfair to me. We talked about how if I was in her personal life, there wouldn't be such strict boundaries. She said true, maybe I'd stop over and bring a meal. That that would help me be active and process what was going on. She then turned the topic and said that she's probably more in contact with me than most. Though she said she knew I was grateful, the way she put it originally sounded like she was saying I wasn't. She just kept making excuses, coming up with reasons for everything. I felt blamed, guilty, even ashamed. She said she was just trying to understand. We talked about how it was unfair that she took me on as a long-term client knowing she was in this stage of her life. I told her if I would have known she was going to have children and have to go through these leaves, I might have chosen differently. Oh, another thing she said: how it's unfair that she is living my dream. That hurt. We also talked about how what she is doing is abandonment: that I am livong through it again. Whether real or imagined, I am feeling abandoned. I got so overwhelmed at the end, that I started getting dizzy. So we stopped and did some breathing. We ended with reassurances that she didn't regret being my therapist, that she still wanted me, and that she was coming back. We said our I love yous, and she hung up.

I'm heartbroken, devastated, in agonizing pain. Two more months of this. She's living her dream and I'm living my nightmare.

I reached out to J. I put aside my hurt feelings with her and just asked her for support. She's still there. I need help and I can't do this alone. I need a therapist too, but who would be willing to see someone for 8 weeks and on a sliding scale? Maybe T might know someone?

I have never experienced an absence this long, but I assume I will at some point, T might need a new hip. I don't agree with some people here saying find a T that's old enough not to have kids or whatever, simply because an absence like this can happen to anyone. The younger the T, the more likely it's kids or an accident, the older, the more likely it will be either some planned surgery or some illness. Tbh that sounds worse than maternity leave in some ways.

Ever since becoming even just slightly attached to my T, I've feared him going on leave for a while, or forever. We have done a few things (as far as I can tell you and L have too) so that I have reminders of him, even if he were to suddenly be gone.

Unfortunately, at some point T is going to be gone for good. Maybe he's still going to be alive and kicking, but nobody stays young forever. I know I will probably outlive him and so at some point will have to go through a final good bye. Whenever he is for example sick or on vacation, I try to think of it as practice for that. It's like little doses of abandonment, but I can practice to keep him in my mind and feelings, even if he's not here. And somehow this has actually gotten me to the point where although I know I will be sad when he's gone, I'm going to be okay, thanks to his help.

What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to be angry, sad, frustrated and so on. But I don't think getting rid of L is going to necessarily be the solution. I think talking to a T while she's gone would be good for you, and then when she's back work through all of it. Because she's going to come back, meaning you can practice for situations where that for some reason will not be the case.

Scarlet I'm sorry it was so painful. I wish she could have made it better for you somehow.

It's definitely worth asking T. With it just being for a limited time, I could see a T being willing to work on a sliding scale if they have space in their schedule. Is it an option to see J a few times at all? Or might she know someone?

I hope you can find a T to support you the next couple months. I'm sorry it was so painful to see L.

You might want to try an AA group. I really liked Artists Anonymous. You can go to AA online and find online meetings i think. I see it as a resource for support for all sorts of issues. If nothing else there is tons of reading available.

Stream of consciousness: The way you are anticipating her future absences, it feels like you are trying to fill a sinkhole, instead of trying to figure out why the sinkhole keeps occurring. I understand that one needs to accept the sinkhole before one can fix it. But theres a saying, dont count your sinkholes before they sink. Dont love your sinkhole too much. Dont get too comfortable in it? Dont start decorating it. Geez thats what im doing with my hoarding, its a very weird decorating.

A brand new set of Leggos

17 days left until L comes back... And I don't want to see her. I'm not ready. I can't even decide what I would want from session. Do we do our rituals? Do I hug her? Do we sit on the floor? I don't even know if her office looks the same because I think she's now sharing with another therapist...or multiple therapists? Idk! I doubt she left her office vacant. And I know she wanted to change things like taking out her desk and lounge chair and the bookshelves, and adding more couches. She might have even taken out our ottoman we used. All these changes. I remember her being pregnant. What will she look like now? Our relationship has changed, how could it not? She has changed, I have changed. Life has been cruel these last 3 months and I've had to do it on my own. No therapists. I don't know how to see her again. Especially after everything.

I get it. If my T is away for even a week or 2 it does something to me on a deep level and when she is back I feel like I don’t want to see her and open myself up to that pain again.
Your situation has obviously been much longer and more difficult so where you are is totally understandable and reconnecting must not seem possible right now ?
You may feel totally different when you do see her but yes, you won’t know until that time and that kind of waiting must be so hard !
Could she send you a picture of her office before your first session back so you can prepare yourself mentally for any changes in there ?