Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Hugs, Scarlet--I'm sorry it was so painful. Feel free to share (here or you're also welcome to PM me) when you feel ready. Take care of yourself.

She started with "Hi. It's good to see you". Normally, I'd reply "It's good to see you, too." I just said "Hi." We went straight into our routine. First, what feeling was most present. I said anger and fear. Then was safety. I said I was safe. Then sleep. Then smoking. Then we dived into the pain. This is where it gets blurry. We talked about how unfair it is that her life affects mine. She said that divulging personal information was a decision we made together because information helps me understand what's going on and helps me not take things personally. I felt blamed, like it's my fault. If I didn't choose to know details, then her life wouldn't affect me so badly??? We talked about how the boundaries are unfair to me. We talked about how if I was in her personal life, there wouldn't be such strict boundaries. She said true, maybe I'd stop over and bring a meal. That that would help me be active and process what was going on. She then turned the topic and said that she's probably more in contact with me than most. Though she said she knew I was grateful, the way she put it originally sounded like she was saying I wasn't. She just kept making excuses, coming up with reasons for everything. I felt blamed, guilty, even ashamed. She said she was just trying to understand. We talked about how it was unfair that she took me on as a long-term client knowing she was in this stage of her life. I told her if I would have known she was going to have children and have to go through these leaves, I might have chosen differently. Oh, another thing she said: how it's unfair that she is living my dream. That hurt. We also talked about how what she is doing is abandonment: that I am livong through it again. Whether real or imagined, I am feeling abandoned. I got so overwhelmed at the end, that I started getting dizzy. So we stopped and did some breathing. We ended with reassurances that she didn't regret being my therapist, that she still wanted me, and that she was coming back. We said our I love yous, and she hung up.

I'm heartbroken, devastated, in agonizing pain. Two more months of this. She's living her dream and I'm living my nightmare.

I reached out to J. I put aside my hurt feelings with her and just asked her for support. She's still there. I need help and I can't do this alone. I need a therapist too, but who would be willing to see someone for 8 weeks and on a sliding scale? Maybe T might know someone?

I have never experienced an absence this long, but I assume I will at some point, T might need a new hip. I don't agree with some people here saying find a T that's old enough not to have kids or whatever, simply because an absence like this can happen to anyone. The younger the T, the more likely it's kids or an accident, the older, the more likely it will be either some planned surgery or some illness. Tbh that sounds worse than maternity leave in some ways.

Ever since becoming even just slightly attached to my T, I've feared him going on leave for a while, or forever. We have done a few things (as far as I can tell you and L have too) so that I have reminders of him, even if he were to suddenly be gone.

Unfortunately, at some point T is going to be gone for good. Maybe he's still going to be alive and kicking, but nobody stays young forever. I know I will probably outlive him and so at some point will have to go through a final good bye. Whenever he is for example sick or on vacation, I try to think of it as practice for that. It's like little doses of abandonment, but I can practice to keep him in my mind and feelings, even if he's not here. And somehow this has actually gotten me to the point where although I know I will be sad when he's gone, I'm going to be okay, thanks to his help.

What I'm trying to say is, it's okay to be angry, sad, frustrated and so on. But I don't think getting rid of L is going to necessarily be the solution. I think talking to a T while she's gone would be good for you, and then when she's back work through all of it. Because she's going to come back, meaning you can practice for situations where that for some reason will not be the case.

Scarlet I'm sorry it was so painful. I wish she could have made it better for you somehow.

It's definitely worth asking T. With it just being for a limited time, I could see a T being willing to work on a sliding scale if they have space in their schedule. Is it an option to see J a few times at all? Or might she know someone?

I hope you can find a T to support you the next couple months. I'm sorry it was so painful to see L.

You might want to try an AA group. I really liked Artists Anonymous. You can go to AA online and find online meetings i think. I see it as a resource for support for all sorts of issues. If nothing else there is tons of reading available.

Stream of consciousness: The way you are anticipating her future absences, it feels like you are trying to fill a sinkhole, instead of trying to figure out why the sinkhole keeps occurring. I understand that one needs to accept the sinkhole before one can fix it. But theres a saying, dont count your sinkholes before they sink. Dont love your sinkhole too much. Dont get too comfortable in it? Dont start decorating it. Geez thats what im doing with my hoarding, its a very weird decorating.

A brand new set of Leggos

17 days left until L comes back... And I don't want to see her. I'm not ready. I can't even decide what I would want from session. Do we do our rituals? Do I hug her? Do we sit on the floor? I don't even know if her office looks the same because I think she's now sharing with another therapist...or multiple therapists? Idk! I doubt she left her office vacant. And I know she wanted to change things like taking out her desk and lounge chair and the bookshelves, and adding more couches. She might have even taken out our ottoman we used. All these changes. I remember her being pregnant. What will she look like now? Our relationship has changed, how could it not? She has changed, I have changed. Life has been cruel these last 3 months and I've had to do it on my own. No therapists. I don't know how to see her again. Especially after everything.

I get it. If my T is away for even a week or 2 it does something to me on a deep level and when she is back I feel like I don’t want to see her and open myself up to that pain again.
Your situation has obviously been much longer and more difficult so where you are is totally understandable and reconnecting must not seem possible right now ?
You may feel totally different when you do see her but yes, you won’t know until that time and that kind of waiting must be so hard !
Could she send you a picture of her office before your first session back so you can prepare yourself mentally for any changes in there ?

Hugs, Scarlet. It sounds difficult enough having not seen L for so long, let alone wondering whether her office will be different. I like Ana's idea about asking if she could send a pic of how it looks now. Or at least to describe it, to let you know the parts you're concerned about are still there. When ex-MC was moving offices, I asked if a particular floor pillow would still be there. (Not that I ever sat on it--was just a fixture of his office.) He replied, "Of course!" And also said he'd do what was needed to make sure it felt like a safe space.

I wonder if there's some sort of different ritual you could do together to reconnect that first session? Something that has particular meaning for the relationship? As for hugging her and things like that, maybe see how you feel in the moment?

After such a long break, reconnecting would be especially important.

How have you reconnected with her in the past? It might be an idea to think about something different.

Thanks Ana, LT, and Lost!

I can and should ask her for a picture of her office. That way I don't have to deal with the shock of walking in.

Our rituals included a welcome hug and goodbye hug. We always said it didn't mean everything was okay, but that we were both trying. We used to hold hands, too, during sessions. But I just don't want to even touch her right now. Another ritual was sitting on the floor. But that feels too intimate for me right now. I feel guarded and protective of myself. The start of session will be the same: most present feelings, safety, sleep, smoking. Then processing. That I don't mind, but I also don't think it will help with reconnecting.

I'm not sure how we have reconnected in the past. I feel like this has been a rupture and a re-traumatization. I don't remember how we have dealt with ruptures in the past. Continuing our routines? But I don't want to do that. Showing up? I'm pretty sure I will show up even though I don't want to. Come as you are? Definitely will. I'm not sure if I will want to talk much, but I will not hold back my feelings either.

Any ideas on how to reconnect in new ways? I didn't do any of my art projects, so we can't connect around that. I'm not willing to give her back her/our objects until I know where they'll be stored/placed.

I just don't want to do this. I almost feel like this experience has been worse than ex-T. Because at least ex-T was gone. L is coming back and I feel like she's been haunting me this whole time. Like she exists and knows what's going on, and still chooses to let me suffer. Maybe she couldn't legitimately do xyz, like find me another therapist when G didn't work out. AND I feel she could have stepped it up more like she did when my dog almost died. She always said I wasn't a job or a burden or that she wasn't taking time off to get away from me. But clearly, the lack of support shows that at least one of those things wasn't true.

Remember: She didn’t do this TO you. She had a baby.

And you have made it through. Be proud of yourself for that.

Have you considered starting with acknowledging your strengths and successes during this time? You have that as an option. Perhaps approach this return from the perspective of someone who thought you couldn’t do it but you have! Give yourself credit. I think that’s important. Because of the work you have done before, you got through a tough period. Maybe not unscathed, but you did.

I have found making a deliberate choice to give myself credit where credit is due has taken me a long way in self respect and confidence.

There will be time to reflect on all the things you believe your therapist has done wrong; it doesn’t have to be the first thing you do.

Maybe the best way to reconnect is to focus on your strengths and accomplishments during a really hard time.

Just a thought. Sometimes a change in perspective can make all the difference.

Honor YOU.

Artley,
Thank you. It's interesting that you say to give myself credit and focus on my strengths. All this time I haven't thought to do that. I've actually told L several times that I don't want her to be proud of me. But maybe I should be proud of myself?

I kind of feel like a failure. I didn't do anything amazing like skills wise. I didn't use many skills at all and I didn't do any projects either. I think the only skills I used was sleeping, tv, and one day at a time. I've been so distracted with life problems, that I didn't have time to wallow too much.

AND I did make it through all of it, on my own, without harming myself. In fact, thanks to meds, I actually stopped the skin picking, too.

Also, I am tired of everything being centered on L. For the past 7 months, it's been all about her and her leave and her needs and her baby. I have lost myself and MY therapy.

I do think it's been healthy for me to feel all my feelings. I'm not taking things out on myself.

It's a new perspective that I need to think on. Thanks!

I just need to vent...

L just texted me. I haven't heard from her in a week. She still hasn't responded to last weeks email. She responded that she just now was reading my email and that I'm not forgotten.

If she can't make time for me now, how, in less than two weeks, will she have time?

Her texting me just made things worse for me.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

I know how painful it is to reach out and be left wanting.

Perhaps it's worth having a conversation about your needs and fears around contact between sessions, and what L can offer at the moment.

I hear your fear, and that's valid.

For me, an acknowledgement of my messages to R is better than nothing, but it doesn't always meet that connection need in the same way.

I hope you can take the step to be honest about what you need.

Of course, feel free to disregard this post if it's not helpful.

Take care,

Lost

In less than two weeks she’s returning to work, which means she’ll have some type of child care.

She’ll be at work having time for you while right now she’s likely with a baby all day (we don’t know what kind of baby she has either, easy going or problematic). I assume her husband works.

You had that concern before that how will she be ready then if she’s not ready now. Now she is providing full time child care. When she returns to work she’ll be be leaving the house and won’t be taking care of a baby all day.

Maybe you could focus on the fact that it’s not that she doesn’t care now so how will she care later. It’s just that her life is different now but it will be changing when she returns to work. She’ll be out of the house.

Thanks for the responses Lost and Divine.

L is going to start once a week on a Saturday. I assume her H doesn't work on the weekends so he can watch the baby. So I understand she'll have time for me on Saturdays. But the rest of the week, she won't have childcare. If she's going to be my emergency support again when she comes back, which she says she will be, how can she make time for an emergency then when she can't make time for an email now?

Yes, we need to have a conversation about between session support. I think I'm still allowed my weekly emails, but probably not daily at the start because of childcare.

I just don't understand why she has a full week to at least read and respond that she has read it, and instead she texts that she hadn't even read the whole email yet.

Maybe I'm not being clear here with my legitimate expectations vs unfair reality? I just feel like if she can't handle an email once a week, how will she handle emergency support in two weeks? And how will she handle increased communication?

Am I not making sense?

Your fears make sense, Scarlet...and I'm pleased that you're sharing them here.
L's return to work is bound to be something of a work in progress at this stage, and I bet she's trying to figure this out too.

Unfortunately we can't speculate on why she might not have read your whole message.
It's possible she thought she would offer you reassurance by saying that you haven't been forgotten, and that backfired.

Responding to email is more cerebral, I think, whilst responding to an emergency/crisis message is more immediate.

You can't know what is realistic until you've spoken with her, but it's an important conversation to have.

I hope everything goes well for you Scarlet and I hope your therapist allows emergency contact again as it is important to you. I hope the both of you can talk about it on Saturday and everything will work out for you.

You are making sense! I totally get it now. All I can say is maybe that particular week was different for who knows what reason on her end. She has replied all the other times if I remember rightly?
And she has agreed to be your emergency support when she returns which she hasn’t yet so maybe she thought it was an acceptable response for now
Just trying to offer a different perspective but I can imagine how scary it must be for you right now

Thanks Taylor!

L has already agreed to emergency contact. I'm assuming that means returning emails and phone calls within 24hrs (that's what it was before). I guess I should clarify that either in my next email (on Sunday) or our first session back (the 17th).

I don't understand how everything is going to work out from all angles. H is pushing me to not go back yet. He thinks my anger and hurt and fears are just too much for me right now. And as much as I feel those feelings as well as abandoned and betrayed, I feel like I need to honor one of my agreements: to have a final session. So no matter how long I put it off (not saying I will), I need to see her at least one more time.

Thanks Ana.

Yes, she's replied every week. This is the first week she has missed. And she still hasn't replied. I know I don't know her situation and I know that replying weekly, in length, isn't our agreement. AND the text just felt so disrespectful. Like as if she was saying: "I didn't forget you and I didn't have time for you". To me, those are two opposite things.

I just seriously don't understand how she can have no time for me now without childcare, and in 11 days with only 1 day of childcare, she'll be able to respond within 24hrs. And I don't understand how she can be holding me in mind all week, but not have even 10mins to read an email. Now she has two emails to read (this Sunday's and lasts).

I am scared. Scared of a lot of things. But mostly angry. I'm just holding so much anger and also confusion. It's hard maintaining a relationship after 3+ months of minimal contact. I don't understand relationships in general, so this is harder for me to grasp.

Scarlet, I'm sorry you're struggling so much and that L hasn't been there for you recently. I'd also be upset that she took so long to reply (and then didn't really respond to your email).

But I wanted to address the part I bolded. For me, I can often be bad about getting back to people (friends, family, etc.). I usually have every intention of doing so. And in many cases, I've thought about the person quite often, even thought out what I was going to say. But then I don't get around to sending the text/email/message for whatever reason, like I'm about to, and something comes up.

However, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten them. Which I imagine is the case with L.

Also, newborns are a *lot* of work and exhausting. They often need to be fed every couple hours (depending on how she's being fed) and have diapers changed around that often. And tend to be awake a bunch during the night. So L is likely struggling through that phase.

However, once they're out of the newborn stage, they don't need to eat as often (as they can eat more at a time) and typically get better at sleeping. I'm saying this because L may not have time right now, but she should gradually have more time. And some of it can be working out a routine and getting used to it.

But I would definitely express your concerns about time and find out what you can expect in terms of responses to emergency contact. I imagine she's doing her best and wants to be there for you, but it's just a struggle and a balancing act right now.

This is partly speaking from my own experience. The first 2-3 months with D were a bit of a nightmare in terms of my being able to function (didn't help that I had what I later realized was postpartum depression). But it got more manageable with time. So I wouldn't assume how it is now with L is how it will be in even a month or two from now.