the show went up - by it's teeth.. i finished installation at ~430-500.. and the doors opened at 535. Whew.

It was the longest hardest weekend ever. i learned a HUGE amount about the underbelly of my career choice though. Like... PAY someone else to do that part. Three days of intense physical labour and very little sleep. Damn.

But the show itself was a success i think... save for the gnawing self doubt and certainty that i suck. The overt feedback i got was positive. My advisor seemed happy. i have to arrange anight-day feature for the duration of the show and i have to give a seminar tomorrow (teeth grinding/chattering in anxiety)

my best friend came and helped... i adore her so much... without her i don't know what i would have done... but it was a hard weekend with her. My heart is heavy. There is a lot about me that she knows that NO one else knows, just even due to the length of our friendship. But there is SO VERY MUCH she does not know about me.. and this was a conflict between us.. there is an issue in our communication at this point and it caused friction... we love each other but this was very hard and tiring... i am working on so much in therapy and i got the feedback that she wouldn't need therapy because she is so self reliant and strong.. which means what? Well, to me it said i was weaker and not so self reliant... right? This weekend was not the time to point out the aspects of my personality or behaviour which do not work right.. i am sad about it. i fail at being a good friend..

so yeah.. good and bad

the ugly was me sobbing at the pizza restaurant.... and then having ten minutes to change into clean clothes, no time to even comb hair and no mirror to put on makeup to cover horrid hormonal breakout on my neck.. i looked worse than i felt which is kinda tough.

i also hid for most of the show, played classic avoider.

oh well...

just why did i choose this career path again?

[Perna]

Sounds like you are hanging in there? One down X number to go? I think there are always parts of our careers we don't like or have trouble with or that stick up things we weren't expecting.

Good luck on the seminar thingy tomorrow!

thanks perna

yeah.. it's kinda base camp somewhere on everest.. not "there" but i'm "somewhere?" yeah.. whoever said life is like a road is full of it.. a road only goes forward in a linear sort of way, but with twists and turns, etc... life is really more like a 3D landscape.. no road.. no set paths.. just wander around and hope for the best. i seem to be lost in the woods somehere in there.

just help keep me breathing k? mantras, good vibes.. hugs.. anything really. Feed some birds on my behalf or put lungtah out in the wind.. maybe the windhorse really will bring blessings...

[Perna]

I use to take people from my bulletin boards like this to the grocery store with me :-) It is nice if you carry people around and things remind you of them instead of whatever you're having trouble with.

I just bought this: http://www.amazon.com/Tuff-Fluff-Duc...dp/B000V4SWM8/ and will be thinking of you as I read it