Couch 247: Choose Cheese!

Thats how ive been making my oatmeal.

The pageant girl has two normal looking older sisters who serve as her and her mother's minions in pageant support. They also do stuff like read and go to college. The pageant girl lost her previous
contest because she misunderstood the "think on your feet" question as ""the right to bare arms" - as hers are very hairy, so she wishes she had that right, right?

Her mother was Miss Connecticut USA 30 some years ago, so "they" feel it is her legacy to rewin that crown. This year she placed 4th again and the judges told her she lacked life experience, which i thought was pretty amazing of the judges to say (in response to her asking). She is very pretty but she looks like nobody is home. Kinda sad. But very interesting psychologically.

They don't offer support. Adults are free to do as they please. Their partners etc often try to intervene but mostly its just me screaming at the tv.

This is soooo me.

People who were overly criticized growing up usually display these 9 behaviors (without realizing it)

omg me too.

I have some and don't have some (I don't over apologize nor am I a people pleaser). I guess I look at some of those things and wonder what was done to mothers or fathers or X. I wonder if it is sometimes just a mismatch of personality or the other worries they might have had etc. Not to mention some of it just being fear - they are afraid for the child and have no knowledge of another way to keep the child safe. My mother (and my sibling) were terrified about me being hurt or killed because I am lesbian. I don't know why, but my sibling burst into tears and asked how I would keep myself self from ?? I really don't know who they thought was going to get me. But it was actually out of concern even if doofy.
I mean Exhankster - didnt your parents have to learn a whole new culture?

Thats just it, they did not adapt to the new culture. They said pretty much every day that we were italian, not american, and we would live as they had lived. My mother told me i was lucky she let me go to school, as her mother pulled her out of school after grade 3 to work on the farm. They were sharecroppers so they were very poor. Her home had a dirt floor. My paternal grandfather was the italian grandpa trump, only not successful, just very mean.

So growing up meant trying to create order out of absolute chaos. Building a house in a continuing war zone. If i showed any sense of pride or competence, my mother would blow me back to ground zero psychologically, not just a gentle tamper down. Reading Ms. Magazine on the one hand, and on the other, my dad telling me not to read Mad Magazine because my kids would turn out deformed like Alfred E Newman. It was Garbage In, Garbage Out. How could it be anything else?

ETA - So my latest thing is, why has it always been so hard for me to do the right thing for myself? When really, isn't it very easy? Eat vegetables, get exercise, clean up as you go.

Same here. Though some of them are improving with therapy.

I’ve got like two of them.

Ex-husband, though, has all of them, which makes sense given his parents.

Another apostrophe-hater…

Or typo more like

I am not saying she was a good mother to you. I am saying put in a different context - look at all she was dealing with. Or not - I just find it interesting to think about.

I find it interesting too. She was very women's lib when it came to herself, even before it was a thing. Like early 50's. In terms of work, her relationship with my dad, splitting housework, etc. But she (and my dad) expected me to be the italian submissive traditional wife (and child) they never were. So they gave me chaos. Nowhere to stand. Invisible.

That excuse didn’t work for ex-Hankster. It won’t work for you.

I'm kind of struggling with something Dr. T said today about my hypervigilance. Anyone open to a PM about it?

I think it's like Malcom explaining Chaos theory to Sarah in Jurrasic park. The second water drop will not follow the path of the first because the original conditions have changed.

It's important to recognize that internalizing conflicting messages and experiencing psychological undermining can deeply affect one's sense of self-worth. It's not uncommon for individuals who have experienced such challenges to struggle with self-neglect or difficulty in prioritizing their own well-being.

It's about self-compassion and understanding your journey. Recognizing that your struggles are rooted in past experiences and conditioning can help you approach self-care with greater patience and kindness towards yourself.

Change is hard because it requires energy to maintain. It can be easier, when everything is going swimmingly. Harder so when things crop up.

Start small, grow tall.

I'm currently free now, but will sleeping in a bit.

I'm grateful I got to play with some black puppies today and that I could afford to eat.

Thanks, Lemon! No rush on response, like tomorrow or whenever is fine.

I'm available too and sorry you're struggling.

Replied.

Thanks lemon.

What you said reminds me of one time, almost 50 years ago, i was driving on the expressway with my first ex-h as passenger. All of a sudden he shouts Stop that, your making me seasick! Im like what??? He says, you speed up, then you engine brake, then you speed up again. Why cant you maintain a steady speed? This was especially obvious as we went under overpasses, so the road was slightly hilly.

I was completely unconsciously driving the way my parents did (mostly my mother by then). Not really by choice, but yes i was afraid of "going too fast". But i just had to pay attention to change the habit.

Heading to see L in a few minutes. Pocket riders welcome if anyone's so inclined.