Couch 248: Curiouser and Curiouser

Ugh. I'm sorry, @@.

That sucks. That the provost who gives the verdict is someone you work with regularly also seems so backward and wrong.

I hope you find a great job at a university with a clue.

What also makes me nervous is verdicts tend to come back from the provost’s office as “no wrongdoing found.” Wrongdoing in this case means violation of university policies. Most of those are previous provosts, not this one, but still.

Admittedly I only know of five other cases, and four of them I would actually agree there was no violation. But the fifth was a sexual harassment case complete with witnesses.

I definitely won’t feel good if “no wrongdoing” comes back because I’m pretty sure university policies were violated. I don’t want anyone punished, but I also don’t want anything like that to happen again, and “no wrongdoing” isn’t going to help that.

Sorry you’re going through this @@.

If you feel unsatisfied with the outcome perhaps you could consider reaching out to higher authorities within the university administration ?
The Office of Institutional Equity came up in a search. Im not sure if it’s the same for every university.

Have you also considered seeking legal counsel or consulting with a advocacy organizations that specialize in addressing discrimination in academic settings?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I understand why you're scared. Could you consider a restraining order maybe? Hugs...

I'm sorry it's taken so long and that things are still bad at your work. That's not acceptable. I hope some sort of wrongdoing is found. And that you can find another job. You deserve better.

ATAT - sorry to hear they are not being less incompetent. Hope you can leave there soon.

We tried yesterday. We got denied. So I'm amending ot right now to see if I can get any more info on there. It jard to show harassment. Like they don't know what she's capable of.

Ugh. I would think her past history could help here, assuming that's still on the record.

Struggling a bit after today's session with Dr. T (which was virtual because D has what I think/hope is a cold and I'm feeling a bit off). We talked about his office move in June, what will be different, how to help the transition, etc. It will be 25% smaller (so, for example, going from 12 feet long to 9 feet). So not all of his stuff will fit, including a big tree (palm maybe?) he has in the corner, though he said it's sick anyway.

One thing I mentioned as a possible way to help the transition is that maybe I could be the one to put the small-ish glass fish (3 inches long?) I gave him in the new office. And to that, he said he didn't know what would fit yet. So I guess that means he might not be able to find a space for the fish? I understand he'd prioritize stuff he likes better, but it's painful to think he might eliminate something I gave him (even if it had to sit, say, behind something else). I did ask that if it wouldn't fit, I could bring something really tiny to replace it, and he seemed OK with that. But I'm not sure he understands why it would hurt if he had to eliminate the original one?

Like, I get that it might not fit. It was that he seemed very matter-of-fact about it, which I know is how he often is. Rather than acknowledging how he knows it might be hard and maybe saying he'd try to find a spot for it. And perhaps he didn't mean to imply it wouldn't fit--just didn't want to guarantee anything. I'll talk to him about it more next session. It just hurt, especially because it wasn't something I was expecting. I guess at least he'd be willing to let me bring something else tiny? Must begin hunt for world's smallest fish figurine. Or something else--a fish just has shared meaning on multiple levels.

Sorry, I feel like my stuff with Dr. T seems so minor. We're also still in the process of getting estimates to remediate the mold in the house--finally got an estimate for the first place today (which was much less than I'd expected, though doesn't include rebuilding stuff). And sometimes it can be easier for my brain to focus on stuff like "will Dr. T find space for the ugly glass fish I gave him?" rather than "how much will it cost to have a bunch of toxic mold removed from our walls, which may have been negatively affecting our health for years?"

hugs and peaceful wishes sent out to struggling couchies. i'm sorry things are rough right now for several couchies.

i don't know if a bit of brightness will help or not. but at work today, every person i've had to call has been nice. what a refreshing change from the norm.

We got the restraining order! Now I just need to give it to the sheriffs to serve her. Court will be on the 14th. We move on the 17th. Will be a busy week!

It sounds like the glass fish you gave Dr. T holds symbolic significance for you. representing your connection and the therapeutic relationship itself. The prospect of it not finding a place in his new office may trigger feelings of rejection or a sense of loss.

Dr. T's response, while perhaps unintentionally dismissive or matter-of-fact, could be about his own boundaries and priorities. the office often serves as a transitional space for both. Dr. T's focus on logistical considerations like space constraints may reflect his need to establish a professional environment, even if it comes at the expense of some emotional resonance for you.

Your desire for acknowledgment and validation from Dr. T regarding the significance of the glass fish suggests a longing for affirmation and recognition of your contributions to the therapeutic process.

That sounds like a wonderful change of pace! It's always uplifting to encounter kindness and positivity, serving as a reminder of the goodness and kindness that still exists in the world.

I'm glad you got it, Scarlet!. I hope court goes well. Were you able to get your father's signature to move out?

Yes, you seem to have basically nailed both of our perspectives. Unfortunately, they're at odds. I did email him last night about it, but his response wasn't too helpful. Just that he'll have to reduce some items in his office, so he doesn't know yet if the fish will fit or not. That it's not personal. And that I...

OK, I'm just going to post his reply. But it didn't make me feel better. Here you go (I'd mentioned that my head understood it wasn't personal, but that emotions don't listen to logic--he's referencing that).

"To clarify, I have no idea what will or will not end up being placed in my new office or where. I just know that the space is smaller and I am already at (or past) the threshold of clutter to make my current office comfortable and easy to keep clean. I am likely to cut as much as 35%-50% of the nick-nacks (sp?).

I’d imagine that this feels like a rejection and perhaps another abandonment. I hope that you can listen to your head that this is not personal, nor is the decision already made. I am glad to talk about this more on Friday as well."

Would be nice if he at least said he was sorry it was difficult or something. I don't even feel like I want to talk to him tomorrow. I hate how this is affecting me so much.

Except it is personal. It sounds like the fish is a very personal and precious expression for you. And he is calling that a nick nack. It's very reductive of your process and how you express meaning, no wonder you are hurt.

Thanks, Comrade. I was actually just having a similar thought about it being personal. If it means something to me and he knows that, then it's personal. If he acknowledged that more, it would help. Like to say that he'd try his best to find space for it because he knows it's important to me. The way he phrased it just makes it sound like a random item in his office, like you said.

If the fish is disposable, then am I disposable, too? Yes, I know it's not the same, but...

Your second paragraph contains a bit of a leap. Whilst he is not paying attention to your process, he is not discounting you as a whole. Having said that, maybe the discarding of the fish highlights the inherent fragility in all therapy and therapeutic relationships. Who knew one little fish could say so much? Oooo, also I wonder which part of you is represented by the fish.

(trigger for female medical stuff)

Yeah, I know it's a leap. And I know he's not discarding me. I think you're right though that it highlights the fragility of therapeutic relationships.

I do think some of this is about not having control, too. Like, the move is out of my control. He's had a few random days off lately,, without explanation of course. The fish maybe felt like some tiny area where I had control.

It feels like I'm a kid and my parents are moving, except that I never actually had that experience as a kid (which I know is rare). This is definitely some child part of me--perhaps what's represented by the fish?--but he doesn't work with that sort of thing at all.

I am thinking about trying to schedule a session with his backup, R, as she's good at working with that sort of thing (and will be moving, too). Dr. T would likely be fine with it, but I'll ask tomorrow. More to help process the move and why it's so hard for me than about the fish.

Yesterday the napowrimo.net prompt was to write a poem that begins with a line from another poem (not necessarily the first one), but then you go your own way with it. The poem I chose was Robert Frost's Birches, the 13th line if I remember right "You’d think the inner dome of heaven had fallen". I didn't know where I was going to go with it until I started and then all of a sudden I was writing about ending therapy. I think it's my best one since we started the challenge on Jan 17. Today I can't get started on anything! I suppose I can always fall back on writing about not knowing what to write about haha.

Hugs, Artie, I hope your results show that you won't need anything until then. And you deserve a nice lunch!

You mean him saying he is sorry that it is difficult for you? Does he usually do that for things that are his to handle but that you have some emotional thing about? If so, then maybe you all could talk about the change.

I would not apologize for the re-allotment of knick knack space in my own office. I think women are trained to apologize all the time for stuff they are not sorry for - and I don't think men are. I admit I don't like people giving me stuff to put in my office (and students try) but I stick it on the shelf and eventually throw it away - I never remember who gave it to me. Right now I have a tiny armadillo and a ceramic pineapple on my book shelf in my office for reasons that are a complete mystery to me at this point. It sounds like a good idea to talk to the other one rather than keep going on to the first guy about it.