[MuddyBoots]

I guess I have an appointment on Friday to meet my new T. I feel like a bomb. Rationally, based on history and current circumstances, I do not think I can be defused in time. Probably going to wind up dead or behind bars. Already want to be dead. Everyone else wants me to be dead too.

Yeah, I've given dedicating myself to recovery a chance lately, but then I realized there is no fking point. Sure, I won't bother anyone else by being hostile or putting them through this idealization/devaluing cycle, concern them by self-harming/drinking/using to a dangerous extent, and whatever the fk else I do that makes other people's lives shyttier than they need to be. I don't think that will make me content though. I'm 27, and I've already seen a few people my age or younger that I've called a friend or partner have died, and I'm fking jealous. I don't want to drag a therapist into this and frustrate her with my flip-flopping between extreme efforts of recovery only to

Possible trigger:

engage in extreme self harm that requires treatment, relapse on substances, go on a binge-purge streak, maybe make a sui attempt

in one off day. And then say "I'm REALLY going to get better this time." And do the same shyt. No one is going to be there 24/7, I don't want that, I'm not expecting that. So why bother getting a therapist when we both expect I'm going to improve when, in all reality, I'm going to die before ever saying "I'm content."?

I know someone's going to say "discuss your concerns with her," but my thing is I don't know her, she doesn't know me, and I don't think I will even go to this appointment unless there is a legitimate reason to.

[unaluna]

Hey your 27 im 72.

Idk. Do 90 meetings in 90 days? I know its very hard to stay present in a decent state of mind. When my mother was alive, a call from her would put me under water for 3 months. Maybe thats where they get the 90 days from.

We've had a few people unalive themselves in my apartment complex (ive lived here a really long time) so i kinda feel like management sees me as a possibility cuz they seem awfully happy when i seem happy, plus i used to see a shrink who has an office here so its no secret im nutso.

Nobody tells you life stinks. Its like half good, half bad. Theres art and music. Its like the two wolves - the one you feed, survives.

Half my high school graduating class is gone. Some od'd after graduation. Some died from AIDS, some from childbirth, some from murder. The heavy drinkers and smokers passed in their early fifties.

I think you just hang on as long as you can and try not to make any rash decisions. My t said that Proust said you need a project.

[unaluna]

Hey so our ages will always add up the same. Because we have a factor of 9 in between (45). Same with me and my dad, i was born when he was 36. So the next year, we were 1 and 3+7 = 10 = 1.

[MuddyBoots]

My projects change too often for me to believe in them anymore

My case manager said she'd call to figure out a place to meet up today. Until I get a therapist she's in practice being mine. So much shyt to discuss though, and I don't know what's relevant or not because every day there's a crisis or five.

[Nammu]

Since you are figuring out the bpd is your greatest obstacle perhaps meeting them and asking for dialectal behavior therapy would be a great start?

[MuddyBoots]

I think I'll just try to get my hands on a DBT book.

My CM didn't call today like she said she would so obviously either they can't handle their case load and don't need another client that spirals and gets better on the daily or they straight up don't care about me and it'd be okay if I didn't wake up tomorrow.

[unaluna]

Dbt was helpful for me. Like not immediately or anything, but it was like learning the multiplication times tables but its practical useful emotional knowledge so that you have it at your fingertips when you need it later in life. Stuff like the, oh you dont have to immediately react.

[MuddyBoots]

Did you do it by yourself (like with a book or by finding resources online or what?), with a group, or in individual therapy?

I tried doing it by myself from some packets I got from my old T that skimmed over, but my prefrontal cortex wasn't exactly the bus driver at the time, I got frustrated when I read them, tried the skills, and didn't magically gain a sense of agency (or even a will to live for more than a day). That T said most therapists in our CMHCs and local hospitals don't know how to provide DBT which is why I never was really introduced to it beyond being preached undefined mindfulness. She knew quite a bit, but she was top dog T at the CMHC working with the SMI/DD clients so she really did know her shyt as she was required to.

I don't know if they've placed me with a decent DBT knowledgeable SMI/DD therapist here, and if they didn't I'd be passed along again once I say "would like DBT" or at some point, worst case scenario after I start trusting her and telling her the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, they feel the need to label me as "treatment-resistant," AKA "hopeless." So I am terrified of proceeding with this appointment. Especially considering my case manager BLEW ME OFF today.

[unaluna]

I was in group, once a week. I would eat a big mcdonalds dinner before the session. Being in group was excruciating. It was all bona fide crazy people. I dont know how they got thru the day. Realistically they were all suburban mother types. One time, with just a few early arrivals, one woman asked the leader, "when a person speaks in a monotone, is it true that means they are wacko in a certain way?" And i just KNEW the batch meant me. She was lucky i didnt come across the table.

So i learned stuff in spite of myself. But it was torture. As they say, like herding cats. Maybe theres a dbt zoom meeting out there somewhere?

[MuddyBoots]

You sell it so well.

I was in a once a week group once too. I got kicked out before even a month, but while I was there hearing this women spend the whole hour talking about her DEARMAN script she was going to use when explaining she wanted to borrow her sister's sewing machine or something, I was a little busy hoping no one would find out what was in my water bottle

Last time I was IP the doc there said DBT would likely help a lot, and I was starting to tell her I was in a group once, she cut me off and said "I don't think a group would be the most helpful for you." But, yeah, aside from ruining someone's day because I had a bad minute I thought the other person was a witch, I wouldn't get anything out of hearing 10 people's DEARMAN scripts or writing my own with the expectation I'm going to actually follow the script I wrote outside of the situation.

[unaluna]

[Therapy reviewed]

I was in group therapy once... They ended up making me sit outside in the garden on my own to "reflect" 😂 becuse I answered back to some of the suuupid things the facilitator was trying to feed us.. Everyone else just seemed to nod along and want to please

[unaluna]

Yeah i bpd'd my way out of dbt group.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i attended a weekly one hour DBT group for TWO YEARS. i dont have BPD but had a hard time with coping and my bipolar. it truly is helpful if you can stick with it but the group needs structure and a therapist who goes over your diary cards and skills each session helps

[MuddyBoots]

How was your group structured @HALLIEBETH87? Ours was spend 45 minutes reviewing the last session and everyone sharing their homework, and then frantically try and squeeze in that week's lesson. Kinda sucked.

[unaluna]

The best dbt session i had was where we practiced saying no. I was embarrassed at myself that i had this quiet croaky little no. I mean, i usually dont need a microphone. When i was a reader in church in my college years, babies wouldnt even cry during my bits. But yeah - no was equivalent to asking to be unalived by the parents. It was a difficult but most worthwhile session.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Therapy reviewed

I was in group therapy once... They ended up making me sit outside in the garden on my own to "reflect" 😂 becuse I answered back to some of the suuupid things the facilitator was trying to feed us.. Everyone else just seemed to nod along and want to please

Sounds like that facilitator was the same dude I saw ...

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

How was your group structured @HALLIEBETH87? Ours was spend 45 minutes reviewing the last session and everyone sharing their homework, and then frantically try and squeeze in that week's lesson. Kinda sucked.

We went over our homework and then the new lesson and new homework given. 2 hours every week for 2 years