2 years post my traumatic therapy experience

Hey everyone.
I made a post on this very forum about 2 years ago now after I was abandoned by my former psychotherapist/psychiatrist which you can read here.

I am back because I cant talk about this to anyone in person and as I mentioned in the post, even though his behaviour is highly unethical even here, the medical profession is extremely protected and even just leaving a one star review without any words can cause in the patient being taken to court. There is literally no point going against a medical professional here so I felt really abandoned by everyone and struggled a lot with feeling silenced, yet again.

I mentioned in the post that he was both my psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. I did not mention that I have a lot of trauma associated with silence and being given the silent treatment, which if you recall, is what he ended up doing against me by refusing to answer my emails, calls etc. when I asked to take a break from therapy. Then blamed it on me being in a crisis.

At the end of the last post I mentioned I was about to go back to therapy with him. To be honest I was very nervous but, on the other hand I couldnt help but wish that he would go back to being like he was before this and that he would apologise to me for what he did.

It was very retraumatizing for me for someone who had told me for years he would always be there for me, he would go to the ends of the world to help me, that I would always have him etc etc to suddenly be so cruel and I didnt know how to process it.

My first meeting with him after that post was virtual, I couldnt bear being face to face with him. I would get nervous just thinking about it and once the webcam was on, I could feel the anxiety so strongly even though I could only see him through a computer screen. I started rambling some nonsense about how some guy I had dated a while before had suddenly tried to come back and he asked me if I was in a relationship, I said no and he seemed really happy about this and said 'GOOD!'
I started to feel a bit less anxious (because he was behaving normally - or so I thought) and he started to basically prod me to tell him I wanted to come back to therapy I was like
'I mean I understand if you dont have time, its just that they told me I should try to repair this relationship so I understand if you dont have time'
Instead, he said
'I will always have time for you'
then we just discussed the medications etc.

At the end of this session my heart was beating fast, but not in a good way...

The next session comes a month later and I asked him again if we can do it virtually. Just fiy, he HATED it whenever I asked to do sessions virtually. So I was expecting him to be PISSED. Oh he was way WAY more than that!

The time of the appointment rolls around and I didnt receive the email from him with the link to the meeting. Very unusual he is never late, but then 10 minutes go by and at this point its looking (and feeling) extremely off. I send him an email asking wether or not he will send me the link and he responds immediately. We start the meeting and yep, he is pissed as hell.

I start talking about my medications and everything goes downhill from here, he starts saying how he thought we had agreed that medications dont work for me, and that we never agreed to continue treatment etc.
I was really confused as hell at this point and basically 'are you kidding me right now??'

Then he finally says 'I just cant do it, you need to find someone who has neutral feelings for you. I cant be your doctor anymore'

I was like 'fine but can you at least provide the discharge papers etc..' he said he thought it was a good idea.
Then he added 'I still want to help you, I just dont want to prescribe your medications.'
I was feeling frustrated at this point and just told him 'look i have no idea what you even mean, youre saying you dont want to prescribe my medications, that you cant treat me anymore, but you still want to help? What do you want to do then? My hair???'

He says 'I dont know, we havent seen each other in a while, we should meet in person and discuss this so I know what you need from me'

I said 'accountability would be a start'
He said 'i think what works between us the relationship not the treatment'

Lord oh lord, i almost ****ing fell backwards.

'Look time is almost up, will you send me the paperwork?'
Him: 'Yes, make sure that the next person who takes over your medications monitors your bloodwork'

Me:'Okay. I dont know what to do right now, i dont know what to think. Should i book another session?'
He just basically shrugged at me here then I said.
'I will book another session I am confused what to make of this'
And he seemed really happy about this???

I booked another session and instantly regretted it. What the hell was I thinking? I left this session feeling so out of place and ruminating over everything.

After almost 2 weeks he still hadnt sent the paperwork as he promised, by this time I had thankfully come to my senses and terminated him. I found another Pdoc and decided not to tell them anything about this so I wouldnt be sent back.

Its been almost two years and I still dont feel back to normal about this situation and quite honestly cant understand what the hell happened. I have been doing therapy and medications but this experience shook me to my core, I have been through so many nights of terror and being unable to sleep over this.

I admit I stalked him for quite a bit thinking about posting an anonymous negative review, in the end I decided to make a fake gmail account and send him a couple of emails telling him how I feel and how his actions affected me. Then I deleted that account.

I felt embarrassed, weak and stupid for doing this but I was so tired of being silenced, of having to 'forgive and forget'. NO! I wanted to call him out straight.

I have come to a point where my anger, shame and rage are getting better but on some days I still have these sudden intrusive thoughts followed by deep anxiety. But the last two months I have finally reached a point where I am stable enough to decrease the number of sessions after a long time of weekly treatments.

Hi @ Serendepity

I read your other thread and read your post, here, and it is the pdoc who behaved unprofessionally, and unethically... to ignore you when you needed your meds is unconscionable.

I am so sorry you went through this...

From what you wrote, above, it sounds like he has/had a crush on you.

It's a very good thing that you ceased contact with him, as your medical provider and that you found another pdoc.

It's also very good you that separated your therapy provider from the prescriber of your meds.

It seems that you need some closure, though.... how do you get that?

Some people say write a letter, then burn it.

Have you discussed getting closure with your psychologist?

You need to find a way to let go of this traumatic experience.

Thank you so much @TheGal for your thoughts.

I'm working on this in therapy and tried writing a letter and burning it, journaling... But I honestly just dont feel anything from these activities. I also tend to just analyze everything down to the most minute detail which makes it even worse

At the moment I am trying art therapy to help with this trauma, since I really like doing things with my hands but I think it will take some time. I am experiencing a lot of grief but I dont need closure from him and I know I wouldnt get it anyway.

The good news is that I mostly dont feel anger anymore and all the rage is gone, I dont have nightmares or nightsweats. I just feel a lot of grief and exhaustion but I think this means that I am moving forward...

((((Serendepity))))

You are really being proactive and have a good sense of what your needs are...!!

It sounds like you're on the right path and that, with time, you will feel better.

Best wishes on your healing journey...