Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Thanks, @@. Good point that it doesn't have to be from my past.

I mean, I used to have to hand Dr. T a credit card at the end of session, then sign the slip of paper (he'd sort of fling a pen in my direction). He finally decided I didn't need to sign anymore. Then switched to IvyPay during the pandemic, so he just invoices me once a week. So I think the payment aspect is more detached now.

Didn't realize you were still seeing Visa. Has she been helpful lately? Hope so. (Or were you just referring to seeing her in the past?)

About once every month or two I am in Visa’s area and I see her then (it’s an hour drive now since I moved). And a few urgent sessions on zoom.

Does wonders for my bank account, seeing a therapist once a month or so.

I never realized how much money I spent on therapy until I terminated. It was like 30,000 bucks total over the years. If I would have saved that money…

That helps to hear, Jersey. It can just be really complicated. I guess I need to remember this thing ex-MC said once that stuck with me, where I said, "You only care because I pay you to." He said, "You pay me to do my job, but you don't pay me to care." Like, he chose to care. I imagine it's like that for you. And, presumably, Dr. T. And, say, D's teachers.

It may be harder for me to comprehend on a work level because I work with words rather than people. I mean, yeah, people wrote those words, but I don't deal with them directly (one of the positives of being a freelancer--I don't have to hear authors complain about the changes like I did when I worked more directly for the company).

I try not to think about it.... Thankful that H says he just considers it one of our set expenses (like the mortgage or car payment). We do get half back from insurance, or I'd have to go much less often.

LT-I do get it though. One time when my dad was in the hospital I had a zoom meeting with the psychiatrist I was seeing for medication management. My 3 months were up and I had to do the zoom or she wouldn’t refill the scripts. So I was telling her about my dad and at the end I read her the numbers off my debit card so she can process the payment. She either entered them wrong or I said them wrong because I got a text from her saying the payment was denied. I remembered being very upset because she knew I was headed to the hospital to go see my dad and I’m like “She only cares about the payment”. And I had to process that.

How is it not being on him - he just mentioned the cost - he didn't ask you to do anything about it other than be slightly flexible did he? Why do you see it as you being expected to pay for his financial mistakes? I mean money and therapists and clients can be uncomfortable from what people are saying, but this doesn't have to occupy space in your head - if you think his move and finances are on him (and I do and you said you did) then his statement is not really anything to bother on about. Don't talk yourself into a lather here.
(I found paying them to be the least offensive part of therapy, but I know I don't have the same general ways on this as a lot of others it seems)

I mean, things do happen with contractors. I just had one take 3 weeks longer than they said to repair/replace an appurtenance on some real property. We were alternating between torrential downpours, slow material delivery from a different company, and excessive heat and they got behind - it happens. And moving has never been straightforward - somethings always come up and screw up the time line. This is one of those things that is just life I think.

Thanks, some good points here. I guess I didn't mean paying literally for his mistakes. More like I have to deal with the fallout in terms of a bunch of changes, including some last-minute ones (like last week, he had to change my session time at the last minute because he had to meet with someone at the building--thankfully, I have a flexible schedule).

It's just taken a lot of flexibility on my part over the past month or two. I'm tired of being flexible. And it might be different if he took more responsibility, but today it was all, "It's all the contractors fault." Which may be true, but he's the one who opted to move in the first place. And to buy office space and redo it.

Ugh, that seems really difficult, I'm sorry. In that case, seems like she could have waited until the next day, at least.

Nope. 5 minutes after hanging up the phone when I was on my way to the hospital. I not only got a text but a follow up voicemail and email. But I was telling you that because I had a relatable story.

Oh, I know why you were sharing it--and I appreciate it! Still wanted to say that it was insensitive of her.

I really hope it helps Artie. It's so difficult letting go of long term therapy relationship that you've had a huge emotional investment in. It's perfectly normal to constantly think about an ex-T you were close to. It kind of reinforces the fact that you've internalised the good work you did with her, and that's not a bad thing... But I'm sure your new T will tell you that. Good luck next week with R.

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@LonesomeTonight, Could there be an aspect of feeling that he's only offering a session while he's on vacation because of the financial gain for him, rather than because he genuinely wants to be there for you as your therapist?

We know it's a unique relationship, a paid for service, but at the same time intensely personal. Perhaps it's jarring to realise that those two things can simultaneously exist, and maybe your rational self is having a hard time with that.

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Thanks for your thoughts, East. Yes, I think that's a big part of what it is, feeling he's just offering sessions due to financial gain. A few months ago, he went out of town by himself to finish up a research paper he was writing. He still saw clients in the morning, and that time, I got the sense he was doing that because he still wanted to support his clients, as it was a sort of last-minute thing (he had some sort of deadline). I mean, maybe that was about the money, too, but he didn't say it. So I thought "OK, he still wants to support his clients."

I do think I'm having trouble balancing those two aspects. I'm prone to black-and-white thinking (something I am working on in therapy), so it can be difficult to see how both parts could be true. It feels like the younger/emotional part of me fighting with the older/more cognitive part of me.

I think part of it is also that he said the actual dollar amount he needs to cover the extra cost of the delayed move (around $10,000--which of course he won't make up in one week), which feels awkward. As much as I want more information from him generally, I feel he shared *too* much with me yesterday, like ranting about all the ways the contractors have screwed up. A friend was like, "Whose therapy session was this?" It did feel like that, plus the vacation thing took over my session. So lots going on here...

Yuck,

There's no way he should disclose that to a client, even if they ask (and it sounds like you didn't.)

The transactional side of therapy is crap, even though we know that they and their families need to eat and keep a roof over their heads.

Suddenly seeing the human side of someone who's 'meant' to be on your side can be jarring as well.

We pay them to support us and keep their stuff out of the room, as much as possible.

When it barges in...that's difficult.

Sending solidarity,

Lost

Thanks, Lost--I appreciate the solidarity!

He sent a fairly good email response. Though it was sort of funny: One thing I said, regarding how it might not just be the transactional thing, was "Adult [LT] gets that you could use a vacation/time with family, but Little [LT] feels abandoned." Dr. T quoted that and said, "I read this as you experiencing feelings of abandonment around my taking time away from work for my family." Excellent reading comprehension skills there, Dr. T! He also said that seemed more "in the transference arena" than the money thing, though I think both are there in some ways.

He said we should talk more (at some point) about how "your strong feelings around how the transactional aspect of our relationship impacts you." And also the abandonment feelings, "as it may help us get deeper into how you experience, think about, feel, and connect regarding our relationship."

I figure right before his vacation is probably not the time to examine these things (kinda risky), though maybe I'll talk about them with R next Thursday to better understand what I'm feeling and how to translate it to Dr. T-ese (she's helped with stuff like that before)

There was some other stuff in there, too, of mixed value. I did appreciate how he closed it: "Overall, I’m sorry for the stress all this uncertainty and change has caused. I know it’s been difficult for you. I will continue to do my best to support you through the transition, and I appreciate your efforts to accommodate and adapt to the shifting landscape." I think that's a big part of what I needed to hear.

It blows my mind that you should have to enlist a third party to help your therapist understand your feelings.

I'm sorry that he's so blooming dense.

I get help with T from time to time with my relationship with L. I even got help from J for awhile during L's leave. I think it's good to get some outside support sometimes in relationships. But then again, I don't understand the average friendship, so I don't know if it's normal.

Thanks East. She likely will.

I like the thought of my constant thinking about L reinforcing that I've internalized the good work we did. But, the bad thing about thinking about her all the time is that it's causing me to second-guess myself to a ridiculous level about leaving. Honestly, I think that part of me is wanting professional validation (is that a thing? ) that I did the right thing in leaving L and the way I did it.

Thanks for sharing this. I agree that it can be helpful to get other T's perspectives, especially in there's some sort of conflict or lack of understanding. In this case, R is more relationally oriented, so I figure she'll just naturally get it more easily. And maybe also help *me* to understand what I'm feeling better.

I have a lot of shame around some of these feelings, so if she can also make me feel more accepting of them, it would help as well. I have difficulty talking about things when I feel ashamed of them.

And for getting outside support in relationships in general, I think it's pretty common. Like talking to a friend or relative about a partner, or a partner about a friend/relative. Talking to your T about other people in your life. Or talking on here about our T's. No one is exactly the same or perfectly tuned into another person all the time, so it can help to get other perspectives, I think.

Sorry,

I didn't mean to suggest that I thought it was a bad thing.
You make very good points, LT and Scarlet.

Last night I dreamed about snakes. 2 of them. One was a cute little long-nosed snake and in the dream I'm playing with it while carrying it back out to the desert. The other looked like it might be poisonous so I didn't try to pick it up, but somehow it bit me anyway, and I had 3 tiny pinprick holes in a triangle pattern on my arm from the bite, a snake guy said it wasn't poisonous and I was okay. After I woke up I looked at my arm to see if the holes were there haha of course they weren't.

I understood what you meant, Lost. I do wish he could just get it on his own, but it seemed in the email like he was trying to understand. And he's seemed both more knowledgeable and accepting about this sort of thing lately, to the point that I'm wondering whether he read a book or took some sort of training on transference and attachment. Or [gasp] got some supervision or consulted with someone who didn't just agree with everything he said.

I'd have checked for the holes, too! I imagine snakes have some special meaning in dreams.

I think I understood, just also wanted to give a different perspective? It seems out of the norm to have a therapist to work on your relationship with your therapist. Especially if it was consistently. I just wanted to mention how it could be a good thing as well.