Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

That was what stuck out to me too, LT.

Far more concerned with the 'third party' (as he may see it) than your welfare.

About the transference and age. L is 4 years younger than me and I have maternal transference with her. So age does not apply when it comes to any sort of transference. Also, Aunts can be younger than their nieces/nephews. Doesn't transference happen in most relationships anyways?

Week 2 day 2 short workout, but also planning on doing chores.

Yes, i think it does. And I was explaining to him at the time that it's not about the age. And how someone can also have erotic transference for a T who's not a gender to which the client is usually attracted. (I honestly wonder if I have a bit of that for R.) And Dr. T is only 7 years old than me, so can't really be my father, yet I have some paternal transference toward him (and ex-MC was only 12 years older--ex-T was my mom's age).

Yes, it's really gnawing at me. I could see if it was a sort of safety check, like, "Will LT be OK?" I mean, maybe it was--maybe he was assessing me as we talked. I'd feel a bit better if he told me that. I burst out crying a few times, but that's common for me in session (and I imagine it was obvious, even without video) Maybe he'd have actually been more concerned if I was seeming emotionless.

It also could be that's why he agreed to let me see R, that my emails were a little concerning, so he figured he should err on the side of safety. But at the same time, he could have waited on the actual conversation about my relationship with R until after I was doing better (unless like I booked a bunch of sessions with her next month--I may have one when he's away, if he'll still let me).

Yes, I wonder about that, too. I don't know if I've come out and asked her. She has said a couple times that I could do EMDR with her for a bit (Dr.. T doesn't do that), and when I mentioned it to Dr. T, he said he didn't think she did that anymore. But, I mean, she was the one who said she could.

She's also said she enjoys getting to meet with me, which feels nice (like, she volunteers that, I don't ask). And Dr. T had seemed positive about the relationship before, that he figures it's like a "treat" for me to see her. And will tell me he hopes it goes well with her. So I don't know what happened?

But yes, I think I'll need to ask her. I imagine she'd defer to him though. I do wonder if it could be a thing where we outline what topics I'll specifically talk about with her, like you said in your other post that you do with Flipper and your regular T.

And, to reply to some more of that here, it definitely got rather fuzzy and blurry at times with ex-MC and ex-T, though I figured that was due to his generally fuzzy boundaries (well, and hers in terms of sharing stuff about his outside life). So I could see that being an issue.

I just hate that Dr. T chose to bring it up when I'm clearly struggling right now. Like, why not wait a bit?

Yeah, it would usually make sense to wait until someone is relatively stable before making a big change to their care.

Especially as you're both settling into a new space and working environment.

I have wondered about that. I think back with all the "love stuff," when I consulted with her at one point. I asked her if a client had said they loved her, and she said, "Actually, just this morning a client did." Whereas I was the first client to tell Dr. T that. And I think, too, of during that time when he was saying, "ex-MC is lovable. I'm not lovable."

And he's said how R is much warmer than him. And I've mentioned how she seems excited about things, like realizations I've had, in a way that he isn't (it's just not his personality).

The main thing, I think, is that she has a much better understanding (well, it's a very low bar!) of stuff like transference and attachment. And has seemed puzzled that he doesn't understand certain things. And she also gets how my inner child can be reacting to certain things and tries to teach me how to soothe that part. Meanwhile, Dr. T seems to bristle when I use that term (inner child or Little LT), though he's gotten better about it. Like mirroring my language.

Maybe he worries she'll further illuminate his inadequacies--not even in talking about him (though she'll say things like 'He's growing up!" when I mention his understanding some transference thing). But just in comparison, in how she is toward me vs. how he is. Maybe in a way, he Is concerned that I'd leave him not so much for her, but someone more similar to her. Or it just brings up stuff in him where he feels inadequate, maybe issues that have come up for other clients.

It sounds like messy triangulation to me - a bit of going to mom when dad is upsetting.

This post produced in me an image of ex-hankster in neon pink workout wear and sweat band, dancing in place, thrusting weights above her head in turn and yelling at us all to get off our butts.,

I have just left the gym myself.

Our own hankster simmons or hankster fonda.
I have one dog at the vet getting a teeth cleaning so I have walked the other dog and cut the grass. I am waiting for them to call me so I can go get clean teeth dog - he hates the vet and will sulk tonight and I will try to placate him with soft treats like chicken and hamburger.

I have never had a therapist who objected to my seeing someone else at the same time. I always had a reason, In fact, it’s often their idea. They know the other person can offer something they can’t. And most of the time, it’s been situational, as this is.

LT, leave. See R instead while you transition to someone else if she’s okay with that. I know you love Dr T, but the two of you are just not a good match anymore. There have been so many ups and downs between you two lately, even before the move, that I don’t see coming back from this. There’s no point in speculating as to why he’s doing this. Your focus must be you, not figuring out the therapist.

I never asked a therapist for permission to do anything.

If this is a deal breaker then perhaps a new one is in the cards - but to me -this is your pattern. It looks to me like what you did with the woman, the mc, and now this one.

Yeah, though in this case, he's not available and I'm struggling. She is available. I see it in a way like my primary care doctor isn't available when I'm sick, but one of her colleagues in the same practice is, so I see him instead.

I know it's much more complicated than that. But she also helps me understand stuff that he can't. Which I feel, in turn, helps me in the relationship with Dr. T. Like I understand it better, so can move forward with other stuff. She's probably helped my relationship with him more than he realizes.

Do either of them help you with understanding your real life? As I understand it, The idea of a therapist is not to be on call all the time. I mean you saw the guy therapist already this week didn't you? I understand that you are struggling over things for some reason or other, but isn't some of therapy learning to be able to have some struggle without someone else right there? Therapy isn't going to stop struggles in life - just help you learn to deal with them.
Triangulation gets so very messy

Thanks, @@. I know I should do this. Maybe I should have just left before the move like I was tempted to do. It's just confusing to me because he didn't have an issue my seeing her before. Yes, he has said that if it were to become a regular thing, like weekly, and it wasn't some separate thing like EMDR, it could be an issue. But this has been like twice in the past month or so, all move-related (and the one time, he was out of town, too) He isn't really helping me understand or process what's going on with me around that, but she understands better.

I sadly don't think switching to her for a bit is an option. I imagine she'd defer tot he great Dr. T and not see me out of respect for him. As he's implied. I do think I'll dust off my links of other possible T's (I looked fairly recently), see what my options are. I suppose there's no harm in asking her?

Maybe if I hate his new office, it will make it easier to leave, as I was partly attached to his old office. Like when I was going to leave at one point (I think it was during the pandemic), I had the thought of, "But then I'd never get to be in that office again." Maybe I'll realize it was partly the office rather than him? All the trees in the background. It will just be sky at the new place.

Maybe I need to try having a session with someone else to see what it feels like. Take a break, try out a couple new people. Figure out what I want. Sort of like how I left ex-T (only then I only saw Dr. T). Maybe see if this one (female) I connected to before in a free consult still has availability. I don't know...

It would be sort of ironic if he was trying to limit my time with R for fear that I'll leave (whether for her or someone like her). And then I leave in part because he's trying to limit that time...

I do wonder if it could be an option to do, say, EMDR with her for a couple months, not see him, pursue other T's in the meantime, see how I feel? He has said in the past that something like that would be fine, to take a break, see someone else, come back if I want. That other clients have done that. I just don't know if she'd agree to see me or not.

Yes, they do. Dr. T has helped quite a bit with my marriage (I'm communicating better) and stuff with my D. And randomly, something R said about Dr. T helped me be more understanding of my H when he was stressed. And other stuff.

I've had a lot of life stressors in the past year, which isn't helping matters. And I still don't think I've fully recovered from pandemic stuff--which was a time Dr. T really helped and supported me. Like my social life is not what it was then (though part of that is on H, as he never seems to want to do anything with other people).

Just a small note one workout routine, loving that: did my regular scooting session to and from the train station, 2 km each. I really want to get back on my bike though. Keep it up guys, physical exercise is so important!

You mean scootering? You will wear out your undergotchies scooting! Your unaliving me here!

Update that I am seeing R tomorrow at 12:30 (virtually)--she confirmed (she'd held the slot). This is certainly the most complicated therapy session scheduling I've had...