Couch 248a: Still Curiouser

This is an interesting question. For both ex-T and ex-MC, I basically just announced at the end of the session that I (or we) was (or were) leaving, though with ex-T, it was meant to be temporary. It was just, "Well, I'm going to try consulting with someone else--I'll either come back to working with you in a month or two or at least come in for a termination session." I never went for that termination session--I realized I'd be doing it for her (because I said I would and felt guilty about how I left after 6 years), not for me. So what was the point really?

And I doubt ex-MC was surprised we were leaving, though maybe at the specific timing. We'd been trying to work things through off and on for a couple months.

When I initially terminated with Dr. T in 2019 (which feels like eons ago)--that was during a conflict and a session trying to work things through, then I just realized I couldn't. Well, I guess I changed my mind two weeks later!

I've actually talked with him about "termination sessions," in part regarding whether I should do one with ex-T. He said in his experience, they're fairly rare, like spending a whole session (or more) talking about the end of therapy, what the client has accomplished, etc. He said it's more common how I did it, where a client will say, at the end of session, "OK, I don't plan to come back" or "I'm taking a break" or whatever. Not in the case of conflict pre se, but just them announcing they think they're good and don't need more therapy at that time.

I think there's this whole thing--at least I know there is for me--about wanting "closure" with someone when a relationship ends, whether it's therapy, romantic, friendship, etc. Aside from a few romantic relationships, where things were really talked through, it seems more likely for me that things have ended in one of three ways: suddenly blowing up and ending a bit messily, mutual drifting apart, or someone basically ghosting the other (see: my former best friend for that last one).

Sometimes, closure of some kind happens years later, if you talk again. Other times, it doesn't. I'm not sure the closure necessarily helps in the long run, aside from helping me to understand what happened. Unless it's a mutual drifting apart, there's likely going to be some pain and sadness there, and closure isn't going to magically make it all better.

Sorry, that was really long--this is something I've given a lot of thought to, if you can't tell. Like I've thought before that I wish I could have a sort of closure session with ex-MC, but Dr. T has pointed out that I might not get what I want from it, that I'd want to make sure it's a case where my main goal is maybe to share some thoughts and be content with that, rather than expecting a certain outcome. (Same if I were to talk to my parents about certain things from childhood, say.)

So maybe it wouldn't have helped you to do that with L, unless you'd have felt better getting something out in person or maybe having a final hug or whatever. You did at least have that phone call. I'll stop now.

Thanks so much for that LT. It's helpful. This falls into your category of "suddenly blowing up and ending a bit messily". I think that Dr T had a good point about how you might not get what you want from a closure session with ex-MC; I think I would likely not get what I want out of a closure session with L, either, which is likely why I didn't ask for one on that last phone call. I suppose I just need to keep reminding myself that she/therapy was a very important part of my life for a LONG time, and give myself a little more time to let go. And also keep reminding myself that what I miss so much never actually existed (outside of my head, anyway) and because it existed in my head only, I kinda still have it, right? Sigh. Oh, it also helps to hear that Dr T said they're fairly rare, termination sessions I mean. Maybe T's don't like saying goodbye any more than clients do.

Anyway, thanks.

I don't think, even with an ending that met most of the fantasy, it would mean you never thought back on them without some wistfulness or regret, or nostalgia. I mean even with happy parts of life with real people there are still bits of that. I think sometimes it is a tendency to think there will be one big transformational event and one will then go off in happiness without the messy parts - which to my way of seeing the world is not a possible or even desirable thing to happen.

That's a good point about the thinking there will be "one big transformational event" thing and no messy parts. I probably do tend to want something like that. I mean I am a bit of a drama queen after all, so it makes sense. Maybe I can try to look at it more as, when I graduated from high school and had to leave behind my favorite teacher that I had spent a lot of time talking with - I missed her a lot for that first semester in college, but then it all settled and I didn't think about her that much anymore. I just need more than a semester for this one - because I had known the teacher for only 2 school years, and I saw L for a lot longer.

I think there can be a 'good goodbye', it all depends on what is important to the client.

For me it's 'How' it ends, and 'Who' ends the therapy relationship that feels important.

If a client makes the decision / has a choice to end therapy on their terms, that's one thing. But if an ending is forced upon them for whatever reason, especially if there isn't sufficient closure as far as the client is concerned, that can be really difficult to deal with, because you never feel as though everything was resolved. Bad endings can haunt a person.

I'd say it was only natural to have occasional pangs (nostalgia?) and miss your former therapist, particularly if you chose to just go to a session one day and say "that's it, after today I'm not coming back." Even if it was your choice to finish, there's bound to be residual complicated feelings attached to it, particularly as you had a long term therapy relationship with L. Ending the way you did though, must have felt like the right thing to do at the time. So perhaps ask yourself if you could do it over, what a good ending would look like to you, would there be anything you would like to do differently.

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Thanks East. It did feel like what I needed to do at the time. I suppose the only thing I'd like to have done differently is to go in, instead of canceling on the phone, and ending in person. I suppose the reason I didn't, was really only because at the time I wasn't 100% that I was ending. I called it a "break". I realized later it was over. I dunno. I just need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and let time heal this.

Continued here: Couch 249: The Self Care Couch. I didn't want to merge the threads because some of the posts from this one would have ended up above LostOnTheTrail's.