Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Welcome to the couch, old and new! A place to hang out - sometimes you get immediate feedback, sometimes you don't.

Shouting, "Cool Whip" tends to bring others out from between the cushions if you're feeling lonely.

This is a chatty thread. All are welcome. We're kind of psychologically oriented, sometimes. We try to be supportive. At times we discuss what that means.

It’s a place to plop down on the couch when you come home from work or wherever, or wake up in the middle of the night, or check in at lunch, rant a bit or not, and be among friends.

We advise you not to drink or drug and text your therapist ("T") - we speak from experience.

Sometimes the thread moves fast and you might get overlooked; sometimes it moves slowly and all you hear are crickets. Sometimes you get hugged or thanked pages later. So if it's a bigger question, you might want to start a new thread.

Grab a cushion, a spot on the floor, or an armchair in the corner and make yourselves comfy.

Some sources suggest that the number 249 is a signal to look out for oneself and prioritise your own needs.

Glad it was helpful in some way! You make a good point if that what you miss was in your head, it's still there. I don't really think it was all in your head, what you felt about the relationship. But really, anything from your past that you felt can still be there. You can still keep the positive feelings, the connection, even if it's not there anymore.

With ex-MC, I went through a long time of thinking that, because of how things turned out, the relationship wasn't real, wasn't meaningful, that he didn't care about me the way I thought he did. But now, I can realize he did care in his way. That maybe it's not quite what I thought/hoped it was at the time, but it wasn't nothing. He made me feel understood, and that's still there.

From some things Dr. T has said in general about grieving (and I think you're grieving L in a way, as I did ex-MC), it takes time to go from just thinking about sad or negative things to thinking more about the good memories. I was also reading something similar yesterday in Carolyn Hax's advice chat about the loss of a pet, that it will take time for the sadness to fade and for the happier memories to be the main thing that comes to mind when you think of that pet. I think it's similar.

Artie,
You know how they say not to judge children on when they reach their milestones because each child develops differently? It's the same with grief. Every person is different, every relationship is different. You can't control how long you'll grieve for. I grieved for ex-T for 9 years even with two subsequent awesome Ts. Try to have compassion for yourself. You just lost a long, intimate relationship. Healing, however you find it, won't happen overnight even if you had the perfect closure session.

Thanks Scarlet.

Thought I would jump on the couch! I like it's a Self-Care couch, that's what attracted me here. I don't practice enough because I am really hard on myself. I am so upset about the 50 pounds I gained after my surgery, and I have a trip coming up to Los Angeles coming up in October that I feel I am too fat to travel for. I need to get my head out of this thinking. I hope to learn more about everyone here and offer support where I can.

I found out that another ex-lover has become a crystal growing, sound bath seminar leading, bad poetry writing, full fledged woowoo. So now I have one who became a therapist and one who went over to this sort of woowoo side, and a couple of others who dabbled in it - in fact - I only have one ex-lover who did not become woowoo and we are still friends. I dated this one because I thought she had a really dry sense of humor and was quite surprised when it turned out she had absolutely no sense of humor at all. When breaking up she called me "too sardonic". My sincere question as to how much was just sardonic enough was not met with understanding. I have never thought I turned other women gay, but apparently I turn them woowoo.

Lending further credence to my theory that you and ex-hankster once dated, whether you’re aware of it or not.

You need time Art. It’s okay to still feel the way you do. You saw her for over 8 years. Those pangs will be there.

Maybe you could have something like a graduation ceremony? You don’t need the whole gowns and everything, but just have a small party got yourself and acknowledge how far you have come. Write a letter instead of a speech. You’re moving on to a new chapter in your life. You could also always go back for a one off session if you wanted,

Could you also spend some of the therapy money on doing something fun for yourself either each week or monthly.

If you’re worried and will be flying maybe you could check on airline guildlines if you will be flying. Check out the website my fitness pal. They had a good support forum on a range of topics, there which might also be more active than here. Just try to make small changes daily. You don’t have to do everything too much too soon.

Do you think I was overcome by the patchouli and sandalwood incense?

No, just the Freudianism and the mettyphors.

SD does remind me of a friend, but she became a bail bondsman. Er, person.

I think the thing about an ending in therapy is that ideally it is a part of the work - something which is worked towards and is a part of the form of the therapy. When the therapy is long-term, depth work, I don't think an ending is best served as a one-off, stuck on the end session. Endings are important, especially if we haven't had experience of meaningful endings in our life, and I think it's about giving that part of the therapy the time and consideration which we might have not been allowed in other places. So, for me, it's less about the singular last session and more about the loss of a whole section of the work and the relationship. Just to be clear - I am talking here about what might best serve the client, not the therapist. Sometimes cutting off is safest, but I think those circumstances are rare and it's hard to identify what's best for you as opposed to what is a repeat of an old, familiar pattern.

Two years after the abrupt and inexplicable ending from my ex-therapist where I was denied any ending, I am coming to see that the grief I feel is not really about her at all - not at its core. It's transferential and my sadness is about the loss, lack, harms of my childhood. I miss my ex-therapist but in my yearning, I am yearning for the love that I never had as a child and that I now can't recognise.

This is almost G and S -

"plagued with freudinism and puzzling out the the mettyphors
while denying jaques lacon and eating chocolate petit fours
......
I am the very model of a modern major general"

Sounds like a perfect relationship to me!

Facebook et all have different such versions of this patter, i dont remember seeing a psych take. Very good! As google says, --must include chocolate

Eta *Lacan who btw resembled my t/pdoc. Spooky!

Where do sound baths fall on the woowoo scale? They seem like they'd be relaxing and I'd really like to try one. I don't consider myself a particularly woowoo person though. Just curious.

Isnt the issue just that they are CALLED "sound baths?" Cant they just take a friggin hike in the woods like everybody else?! j/k

Has anyone seen that Dr Todd Grande person on YouTube? I don't particularly like him, but I guess somebody does because he apparently has a Patreon. He seems very dry and emotionless. For some reason, when I imagine Dr. T, I imagine this guy.

Maybe I don't know what a "sound bath" is. I'm thinking those humming bowls and gongs etc. I guess it could be just nature sounds though.

Sound baths usually involve singing bowls or gongs, NP.

Forest bathing is an entirely different thing.

There are a number of sound bath tracks on YouTube, which would give a similar effect.

I wasn't familiar with him, so just checked out a couple shorts. Dr. T is actually considerably more...animated? I'm not sure that's the right term, but something like that. Like smiles and laughs, gestures a lot, etc.

I've been curious about them, too--a local yoga studio has them on occasion. The ones there are like what you described (from how they describe them)--with singing bowls and things like that.

I have been to them -went to a couple of them with my person. They were not unpleasant unless the sound is annoying to you. They didn't make any difference one way or the other but it was not the worst way I have spent a couple of hours. As far as woowoo - I think they are solidly woowoo in the idea of being cleansed or healed by the sound or the movement or whatever.

Thanks Lemon. Sadly it was actually more like 12 years. But i like the idea of a graduation ceremony. i'll have to figure something out. i am going to buy myself a nice birthday present.

My anxiety is off the charts. I need a quick fix. I know a quick fix won’t last but it can give me the headspace needed to think more clearly about going ons. I just don’t know any over the counter quick fixes. Like a supplement that would work immediately.