Attachment to spaces

She says we're bringing each other, the kleenex box, the fan, and the design. And that all our transitional objects will have a home. But she needs to make choices for her so she doesn't resent me and also for what she thinks is best for us for the long run.

She said we can keep the ottoman. She'll just have two... and she'll store "our" ottoman away.

She doesn't understand why something similar isn't good enough. It's about the item itself. It holds the memories and meanings. Not the replacement.

I remember having a blue bear as a child. I think my mom threw it away. Anyways, I loved that bear. So for the next, who knows how long, my dad would buy every blue bear he could find to try to replace it. They never did find it.

Wow...

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.
A therapist has no business inferring the possibility of 'resentment' towards a client.

I'm sorry she doesn't understand the significance of the actual objects to you.

Have you shared your experience with blue bears with her?

I hope a path emerges that makes you feel better in all this.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm so sorry... I understand your wanting to be done. Honestly, I felt like that a few times with Dr. T and the new space, mainly over ruptures related to it. For now, I'm glad I stayed, even though it's still difficult in some ways. Though Dr. T did bring much of the same stuff.

But I have no idea how it will be for you, especially considering you've had the added ruptures (and break) related to her pregnancy. You need to do what's best for you. It could be worth going there at least once or twice and seeing how it feels. Or maybe taking a bit of a break first, if that feels like what you need. But if you choose not to go again at all, that's completely understandable.

I'm glad she'll at least keep the ottoman--but by "store it away," does that mean it won't be in the room with you? Or just that it will be off to the side? It does seem like she really doesn't understand how this is for you.

I can see how this is bringing back feelings about the bear. And your dad trying to replace it, but it not being the same. I wonder if you could try to explain it to her that way, it could help her understand?

Not to derail, but Dr. T has said the reason he will charge for emails if they go above a certain quantity/length is to avoid resenting a client taking up his time. That if he's getting paid for that time, he won't feel resentment. I still hate the use of the word "resentment" in there. It just seems so strong...

My point exactly, LT.

Nothing like making your [the therapist's] agenda abundantly clear.

Is it agenda, or is it just a boundary?

Therapy is supposed to be a safe place for grieving, or to be aggrieved. I never expected it to be a place safe FROM grief. It's full of grief, hiding in every corner, waiting to be PROCESSED.

As usual, i don't understand.

Thank you, LT and Lost!

I'm not sure if I shared the story with her about the blue bear, but if I didn't, I emailed her about it today along with other stories of things I've lost (objects and spaces).

The ottoman will be stored in another room when I'm not there. She'll only bring it out when I am there. I don't know if I believe her, but she said if I always wanted it I could keep it. She doesn't make promises so technically she's not lying. But I don't necessarily believe that her decision won't change in time.

About saying resenting: I wish she didn't say it. It hurt and was not helpful. Made me feel like a burden or in the way. Like I shouldn't ask for anything. But we do have our rule: Honesty first. And she was being honest. We are also open with each other. It just hurt.

Today was an actual good day considering all the grief and sadness. I got to acknowledge and say goodbye to every aspect of the office space: the lobby, another room we have used, the hallway, and her personal office. We did grounding exercises in the lobby and her office. She's taken pictures of everything and she's going to make meditations for both the lobby and office as well. We processed a lot. I think, hopefully, she's understanding what this all means to me and how much I'm giving up. She had two plants. One she'll take to the new place and one I keep. We also exchanged blankets (her blanket she gave to me and the one I made for her) in order to "recharge" them. And she said I can reach out for whatever I need to. Oh! And she said, again I don't know if I believe her, that if I needed to, we could go back and visit the old office again.

I hope I learn to love the new place. L thinks I will over time. I want to. I also want this to be our last "home" for a long long time. This stuff is so painful to me.

So glad you were still able to have a good day in saying goodbye to the room yesterday. I'm glad she seems to understand. And that you're getting a plant and exchanging blankets.

Second session in new office. I hated it. I hated seeing all of her things and our things in there. They don't belong there. I hated session, too. Bad session. Just couldn't connect with her. She thinks we compromise when we both have needs. B.S. Her needs will always be greater than mine. The only time I get my needs met is it it either falls in line with her needs or she doesn't have a particular need. But when both of us have needs, she has the power, and she wins.

I wanted to get up and just leave. I should have. I want to be done with all of this. I regret my decision. But guess what? It wasn't my decision anyways. That was just an illusion. She made the decision, she just happened to agree with me. I have absolutely no say in this relationship. Even the direction we've been going. I never agreed to IFS. I'm not necessarily against it, but I also don't necessarily like it.

I hate the office. I hate therapy. And I hate her right now. Maybe I should just quit. Everyone irl thinks I don't need it anymore. H thinks since she got pregnant that she's been unstable. We keep having problems. I don't know what to do. Throw away a 5 year relationship? I'm really just tempted to end everything.

Hugs, Scarlet...

'When both of us have needs, she has the power and she wins...'

My word, does that resonate.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

Resonates with me, too...

Scarlet, could you maybe take a break, rather than ending it all together? Like say you're going to take a month or two off (however long you think), set up a time to meet again, and then if you don't feel you want to meet then, just cancel? That way, you could test out leaving. Though I'm not sure how it would be with the times you generally meet with her--if you need specific times, those could potentially not be available later (which is one thing Dr. T said to me if I were to take a break).

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I feel you on this. Moving is so hard. And L's pregnancy has made it even more complicated. More hugs to you.

Great post, LT.

My suggestion is to try and separate out feelings from facts and true needs from wants

LT,
I think I do need a break, but my fear, like you pointed out, is that I lose my time slots. I really prefer them to both be the same time of day because I can get them mixed up if they aren't. I also requested the 1pm time (as opposed to 2pm which she originally offered) because it allows me to get home with only some traffic. Once I hit my county, traffic can be extremely bad.

I'm also afraid of the lack of support. I remember how much I struggled without her and not having a therapist during her leave. I wish I had a R like you do. J and I still aren't talking after 8 months. And T... it's hard with T. I feel distant from her because it's been such a long time without a session with her. She's also always so positive. But then again, she'll tell it to me straight. So I guess I can always talk to her.

Things have been bad since L's pregnancy. She was supposed to change for the better. But I really believe she's at least a little extra unstable because of it. Normally it's endearing, but right now it's triggering.

I just want old L back.

I'm sorry you both resonated with that phrase, LT and Lost.

SD,
Yes. You're right. And it's hard differentiating between facts and feelings and needs and wants.

Like did I technically "need" any furniture, even the ottoman. No. But does she really "need" a new chair and ottoman? Probably not imho. Both are wants, and even then she comes first.

I guess what I "need" is more stability from her. I need her to stop changing things every couple of weeks. I know I can’t control people, but she seriously is different than before her pregnancy. I know why and I wish she would fix it. But I also know why she doesn't. It's hard and complicated.

Facts versus feelings is also hard for me. I feel like she doesn't care and isn't ever considering my needs. But she is letting me keep the ottoman for now, so I guess that says something.