[MuddyBoots]

I know everyone says when you don't want to see them that's when you need them, but I DID talk to them, and they're useless POSs and if I see my CM today I will freak out (I cancelled but she's going to call back "in case I change my mind and check in") The team (CM, T, pdoc) freaking hate me (well, I think pdoc enjoys my humor but also seems to be thinking "damn that was dark, I get amused when these guys laugh at this awful shyt" as I leave). But my T isn't in this week and I cancelled last week. Right after I talked to my CM this morning I got a call from a shelter I stayed at saying I should come by for some mail. This is obviously a collusion to trap me. I don't trust any of them, and why should I? Why should I ask for their help and support? I can look up DBT worksheets myself. I CAN UNDERSTAND MYSELF and don't need to explain why A=A because Aristotle already did that (the one good thing) and if they want to know they can look up the proof.

If "when you don't want to see them, that's when you need to" is true, why is that? Explain it to me. I'll keep an open mind, but I will also not take it for granted.

Again, I'm pretty sure these guys hate me. They're trying to stop me from connecting dots, even some in dimensions perpendicular to our 3d model and some that aren't well explained (complex plane). I can SEE proton charges increasing and that's going to affect a lot of stuff on a microscopic and macroscopic scale, but she just wants me to play piano and go for walks during thunderstorms. Like, wtf? I have goals for once, and have steps to achieve them.

How do I get them off my back without them retaliating? I've tried before and I had an IEA.

[MuddyBoots]

Or maybe this is like a fear of abandonment (CM ending meeting early last week, T cancelling this week triggering that) and splitting because of that?

I don’t know. They test me a lot. I really feel like they’re just keeping me from being a really important figure to humanity.

[LonesomeTonight]

Could be a fear of abandonment, like you said (as I deal with that, too). Or perhaps feeling like you don't deserve their care?

[MuddyBoots]

It probably is feeling like I don't deserve their care. I take a lot of shyt, but not THAT much.

[Therapy reviewed]

For me avoiding was a cry to be seen..not diagnosed, not treated at but seen..

[MuddyBoots]

To me it's a middle finger

[Therapy reviewed]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

To me it's a middle finger

you go sometimes.... Or do you have too?

[NP_Complete]

It sounds like you might be experiencing some mania. Maybe that's coloring your view of your treatment team right now.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Therapy reviewed

you go sometimes.... Or do you have too?

I used to go fairly regularly (once a week with CM and once w/t) but I’ve skipped everything since the 24th except a meeting with CM that we ended after 10 minutes and a pdoc appointment they kinda forced me into that was completely useless.

They’ve never been helpful except when my T gave me DBT worksheets and I can find those online. I’m convinced this “mania” as a legitimate concern of mental illness is NOT anything that is a problem. He’ll, I think I’m going to MIT for free because of the things I suddenly have noticed. I think God gave me this sight because I’ve put up with soooo much bull and I’m being rewarded. This is probably also why I am completely giving up on treating something that isn’t even a problem. My CM just called saying she saw me today and I was a little “jumbled” this just proves she is watching me. I did call a couple times this morning to tell her the quote (trigger for vulgarity)

Possible trigger:

smart motherfkers sound like crazy motherfkers to dumb motherfkers

A lot of people these days can’t make sense of Shakespearean literature and other stuff written in Olde English, does that mean we need to label Shakespeare as “manic” )in a bad way) simply because of a difference in language?

I LIVE with my mom, and she has not said a damn thing about me “out of sorts”. She knows she can’t understand The Faerie Queen regardless. She should have more reputable sources than someone I left a message or two on the phone that I AM PISSED AT. Who sounds rational when they’re the receiving end of a quarrel?

Jesus is Old Spice potent.

[MuddyBoots]

I sooo badly want to call her back and tell her I’m not jumbled if I understand it all and it doesn’t matter if she can’t. I should’ve fking answered. I was confused when I went back to calc II after missing 4 or 5 classes and being heavily medicated upon return. Maybe she needs less meds.