Couch 250: An August Couch

My son turned 26 today, and I got to talk to him on the phone for a little bit this afternoon. I do wish he'd moved closer to us... but I get it. He never liked the desert, and he and his gf are so much happier up north. I can't wait to see him when they come for a visit in early February! We invited them to stay with us while they're here to save a little $$ but I doubt they will. We'll see. It was so good talking with him today. He's never been a big phone talker, he prefers to text like all the young whippersnappers haha.

Thank you Lemon. You always have wise words.

It's entirely possible and could be worth looking into. There are many different elements to how we understand things, such as spatial ability or reading comprehension. Plus things like processing speed and working memory (I know some of this from my D having various assessments).

For example, my mom is great with numbers (used to work as a bookkeeper), but she can't read a map or reverse directions at al (like figure out how to get home from somewhere new).

Though as Lemon said, if it was at all math-related, they've changed how they teach that. I've tried reading about it and was still confused--and I used to be really good at math in school!

Couch Workout Club day 92

A brief workout from my self-care app today.

Trigger warning for possible TMI.

I emailed my therapist about seeing her on Halloween. She acknowledged the disruption, spoke about boundaries and proximity being an important part of our work. Pretty standard response. However, I still feel really disturbed by the whole thing and I can't really understand why. It feels like it has tapped into something much more core than simply seeing her. I have seen her in the village before and whilst I haven't liked it, it hasn't been upsetting and I haven't felt the need to mention it to her.

The sense I am making of it - sessions have just recommenced after a three week break. Coming back into contact is difficult for me in my process. Then I see her in the village and I feel intruded upon. Whilst reasonably, I know she is not doing anything wrong, I feel enraged. If she had knocked at my door, I would have just had to accept the disruption because that is the nature of sharing public space. I think this is key - my feeling of having to grit my teeth and tolerate the other person coming into my sphere. This is linked to my experiences of childhood sexual abuse. The formative experience of having my boundaries violated now means I can't tolerate anyone at my boundary. It feels like a violation, even if it is actually a normal and reasonable action.

I don't know. Maybe this is all an over complication. I am finding it hard to make sense of my strong reaction. My strong reaction itself tells me that it is about more than seeing her in the village.

Can anyone relate to any of this? I am feeling ridiculous and sad and isolated.

Thanks LT. it’s probably worth checking into so I can get some answers to some questions I had for a really long time. Like the fact that I can’t do a basic office skills job without failing or take a course without struggling. It’s doesn’t help that I think people think I’m an idiot when I’m interacting with them.

In other news..My husband and I just got into a big fight and he stormed out. Probably just ended up going to his sisters. That’s where he runs when we have a really big blow up. He called me the B word and I told him to go F himself.

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all, though I get feeling that way. I think your analysis of why you're feeling the way you're feeling sounds like a good breakthrough for you. I've been doing a workbook on and off lately and one of the things I'm trying to be more observant about is when I have a strong reaction that makes no logical sense given the actual situation, I'm probably feeling triggered about something else.

For example, I was in a virtual work meeting the other day and I was trying to talk and everyone kept talking over me. I was getting really upset. Someone finally said I think NP is trying to talk but I can barely hear her. Apparently my microphone wasn't working right, but I was so upset even once I figured out it was a technical issue and they weren't actually ignoring me. Because my reaction didn't make sense given the situation, I realized something was getting triggered about being ignored and unheard.

Do you think you'll feel comfortable talking more about this with your therapist? I'm sorry you're dealing with all this right now and I hope you're feeling more settled about it as time goes on.

I think her being in the village has activated deep-seated feelings about boundaries, control, but also safety. This isn’t unusual, especially when there’s past sexual trauma involved.

Your T is someone you need to feel secure with to do your work and she is someone you rely on in a deeply personal way. Seeing her there in a casual space might have interrupted that sense of security, even momentarily.

Even though you intellectually understand it’s reasonable, those emotional responses are rooted in the past experiences.

It’s not ridiculous to feel how you’re feeling; it's a signal of something significant, possibly related to core wounds or protective parts of yourself that are trying to maintain control. You're already doing the important work by reflecting on these emotions. Try to be gentle with yourself, and knowing that this isn’t an over the top reaction.

I'm also strict about my boundaries. It comes from not having any agency as a child.

Guess the hours of watching Fraiser have paid off.

I remember watching something on Youtube about the changes a while ago.

One of my cousin's has Dyscalculia. Some brains are just wired differently, but if you know what you're struggling with you can find methods that can help manage the condition.

https://www.prodigygame.com/main-en/...h-vs-old-math/

I'm sorry to hear that—it sounds really intense. Space is a good thing.You could both use this time to cool down and reflect on what made this particular argument escalate. Maybe there are deeper feelings that haven’t been expressed?

When he’s back and you’re both ready, try to sit down and discuss what happened.

Happy birthday to your son! It must have been wonderful to talk to him. It sounds like he’s really settled and happy up north, even though it's hard to have him farther away.

Could you be the one to move closer to him, if your job is remote and H is close to retiring?

I gotta say, i have never gotten that vibe from you, and i am pretty judgmental about it. Altho i try to be nice, but apparently i have an eyebrow that gives me away and tells people what im thinking.

As for the math homework, they really do teach carp different now. I was helping a neighbor's kid and i was like wtf is this, the kid just blew me off! And i got my degree in math, so... i did not appreciate her telling me i didnt understand it! Whippersnapper. Which is old lady talk for lil brat.

It’s great you were able to find a way to keep your usual Una, even with the added cost. But you’re right; having to sift through it all is no small task. I get confused from the sidelines when you gals talk about insurance.

The thing is Jersey someone else's opinion of you should not matter more than your own. You're giving too much credit to how smart you think everyone else is.

The in word online which comes up on my instagram explore at the moment is "brat".

I personally think we should take a leaf from Asian countries about teaching maths. Youtube as a whole has also made learning so much easier. My brother learnt from a CD called Mathswatch which he bought from Ebay. CGP books are also good for studying which you could buy from Amazon in a kindle format. kS2 would be topics for up to age 11. kS3 is till 16.

*curls up on Couch, whimpers*

There's nothing that will make me clam up at a meeting that's usually one to one faster than 'There'll be a few others joining us tonight.'

When the facilitator said 'Anything you want to share, Lost?' I just shook my head.

I had so much to share, but couldn't go through the whole scenario again.

Choosing not to talk leads to my nightmare scenario - crying in front of strangers on Zoom.

I broke down four times in all, and this facilitator has never seen me cry.

I came close to leaving the session, but felt that would be rude.

I'd like to try and book another session, but there are no guarantees...plus I'd feel weird trying to explain what happened.

Ugh, I'm sorry...

I think staying in a hotel is more comfortable than staying in someone's home in general. I do stay with my parent when I go there because he prefers it and it is not bad - I only go for two or three days at a time and he is fine with us all spreading out and not talking much. I would not stay with my sibling's family - they are nuts.

Sorry you're not feeling so well right now Lost. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing very personal things with people I don't know at all.

You should give it another go if you think it could help give you support. Is there also the option of turning off your camera?

Thanks, Cake.

I usually find it really helpful, but then...it's usually just the two of us.
I turned my camera off for each of the griefquakes, rather than try to push it away...so that is progress.

I'm coming to terms with multiple new layers of this experience that I've only had limited time to process.

Two weeks to process 'Steve as paternal figure', before R announced she'd be working online over the summer.

That bombshell was followed by gaining more insight than I ever anticipated (or needed) into the circumstances of Steve's death...that I couldn't process properly with R while we were working online, so we've been reconnecting in anticipation of having a proper conversation about it.

I don't know what to do about this Sunday session with RC because I don't want to end up in this situation next week.

When I feel that other people 'need the space more', I step back.
When I don't feel comfortable opening up, I step back.

What I cannot speak comes out sideways - through crying.

It sounds like you’re managing an overwhelming amount of grief and insight about Steve, and each layer brings its own challenges to process. It does seem tougher in a group setting, especially if you feel the urge to withdraw.

If you do decide to go on Sunday, perhaps you could give yourself permission to take up space, without prioritizing others even if it feels vulnerable.

Thanks Cake,

'Overwhelming' is the word...
R (therapist) is the only one who can be physically present with me in the midst of this, but I'm still finding my way back to being emotionally vulnerable with her.

RC has been a godsend whilst rebuilding trust with R.

I'll have a conversation with H from the helpline tomorrow afternoon, but this is a really raw place to be.

TW for paternal issues...



Retelling my experience hurts, but keeping it in hurts more...

Goodness knows what I'm 'supposed' to do here.

Hugs, Lost. That all sounds very difficult. Is there any option to schedule time where you can just talk one-on-one with RC?

Thanks, LT.

Unfortunately, none of the available slots fit with my schedule.
I'd have to roll straight into something else immediately afterwards, which isn't ideal.

This is a mess I didn't anticipate.

Trigger warning for sui: