Couch 250: An August Couch

And why is she talking about hugs like they are fruit? Juicy and delicious? Weird way to describe a hug.

I hope your T deals with it in a supportive way and is encouraging about the hug. Did he see it before he went on vacation, or have you written it while he's away?

We have two journals that we swap every session. Usually he reads what I wrote later. The hug entry was in the last swap and he didn't read it in session. I don't know if he's read it yet or not. We're doing a virtual session Wednesday. Might find out then.

Ah, I see. So he has that journal now. Hope Wednesday's session goes well, whether he talks about that or not. I do like the idea of the journal swapping (I know you've talked about it before).

Couch Workout Club day 81

I surprised myself today by getting through Adriene's 'Yoga for Grief' video, with a couple of modifications.

This is the first post I saw when I logged on and my first thought was, “oh no, has stopdog gone around the bend?”

ETA: oh, apparently I started it all.

I will have you know that I was a civilized child who at bedtime required from each parent 3 kisses goodnight, 3 hugs goodnight, and 3 handshakes goodnight.

So, I’ve had some bad news. Longtime readers will recall my ongoing problems with disability accommodations and my school. And that eventually two formal complaints were filed on my behalf, one 19 months ago, one almost 23 months ago.

The decisions came down yesterday. No wrongdoing in either case. Wrongdoing means violation of university policy. Not entirely sure how repeated failures to provide an accommodation and violating confidentiality about disability status don’t violate two university policies I know by heart, and the letter never really explains that, but university bureaucrats operate in a different reality.

It was the verdict I expected, though I did not expect it to be quite so stupidly expressed. Essentially, they have given permission to not give me accommodations by having no accountability if they don’t.

What next? My mental health is on the line with this constant ****. So I have set myself a deadline for leaving (next calendar year, as there are things I want to finish up here). If I have a job elsewhere by then, great. If not, I will make do with adjunct work and speaker fees until I get a job, and meanwhile try to transition into a full time writer. Mostly I need a little income to cover health insurance fees. Otherwise I’m in decent enough financial shape, just have to be careful.

That is effing unbelievable, @@.

Someone, somewhere knows they dropped the ball.

Does university bureaucracy override the ADA somehow?

Glad you have a plan to leave, but I'm so sorry it came to this.

I'm so sorry, @@. You deserve respect, and they aren't giving you that. I'm glad you have a plan to leave.

Universities get rid of the best people. Unless they bring big money in, i guess. Im sorry.

Dang, I'm sorry @@. They are definitely in the wrong, you deserve better, and they don't deserve you. I'm glad you have an exit plan.

ATAT -I wish I was surprised but I am not. It is awful and I am sorry you have been treated like this. I have heard complaints from faculty who need a reasonable accommodation both at my university and at others - we are expected to twist into pretzels to accommodate students a myriad of increasingly bizarre ways, but when it is faculty - admin simply do not care at all. Admin care about money and in their world view -students pay money to them but faculty take it away and are expendable.

that's just awful. without instructors to do the teaching, there wouldn't be students.

@@- Unbelievable. I am so sorry. That is just ridiculous.

That’s the exactly the attitude I wish university administrators had.

Thanks for your support, everyone. I read the letter tonight with two friends there for support. It was bad. A number of pertinent facts reported to investigators by me were not in the report. Everything the respondents said in their defense was included, though, even if it would have been undermined by one of the things I reported. I doubt that would change the outcome if they had been, though.

And of course I was painted as the villain. No one who knows me would recognize that person. I should have done xyz. Never mind that I did do xyz and it had no effect..

I should have been perfect. The others didn’t need to be.

Couch Workout Club day 82

More yoga - abbreviated this time because I started to get in my head about it.

I'm so angry for you, @@. I'm glad you have a plan to ditch this toxic environment.

... And a plan which sounds rather exciting, if I might put on my rose tinted spectacles for a moment.

How do you make yourself face your emotions about things outside your control when you'd really rather not face them head on? When I get even close to confronting them I have an anxiety attack. If I don't deal with them now while the person who I would go to with this is still available to help me process it, I'm going to end up in a bad place.

I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but I find that if I'm avoiding talking about something (particularly in therapy), that will lead to a panic attack (it can be a sign to me that I'm avoiding something). If I let out what I want to talk about, that can ease it. I also find sometimes that if I'm panicking, letting myself cry can stop it.

If I'm really struggling to talk about it, I'll send an email in advance (either sharing what I want to say in session or, on occasion, that I want to talk about x topic but am afraid to, so could use some help doing so) or I'll have something typed out to hand him at the start of session.

In your case, with using the journals, that could be a way to share the thoughts without having to say them out loud.

Is something like walking outside an option for you with your therapist? That helped me a few times in the past with ex-MC. With walking, you don't have to look directly at each other, so it can be easier to talk, plus the fresh air. Or just sitting on a bench or something like that. Or, if he has a couch, both sitting on the couch maybe (or chairs that are next to each other, say).

For me, something cold to drink also helps if I'm really anxious.

Thanks for those tips. I think the problem is less that I can't talk to him about it and more that I can't even face him leaving internally. It's like I've got my head stuck in the sand and I need to pull it out, but I can't. Intellectually, I know he's leaving, but I'm having trouble accessing the feelings about it because it feels too big to deal with. I hope that makes sense.

Instead of confronting everything at once, choose one specific feeling or situation to explore and break it down. Writing about your thoughts and feelings can create distance from the emotions and help you process them without pressure.

Practice grounding yourself before attempting to confront your feelings. .

My rest days are starting to look more like my active days, and im starting to not nap in the afternoon. This is huge!

After the guys came in to the apartment last week to change the heating pipes(?), they found my old franklin planner, in which i found my passport!!! I looked up how to renew it, and it looks to be fairly painless, since its been less than 15 years since it was issued. Boy time flies when your not having any fun.

What does fun look like for you?

Couch Workout Club day 83

Today's YouTube yoga experience was interrupted by two utterly irrelevant ads.

One about train travel, and the other about those irritating AI generated books.