Couch 250: An August Couch

I just sent this quote to a friend of mine who would fly to London and Ny to see Maggie Smith in any play he could find her doing.

That's really sad...I'm not sure how you should handle it. Are you supposed to meet with her again soon? I'd say wait a bit, maybe closer to when the scheduled meeting it, then say something like, "If you need a bit of time before meeting again, I understand" without specifically referencing the death? I don't know...

So Dr. T was in a boot today (on his foot, like a sort of soft cast for an injury--not sure if it has a different name in other countries). I was like, "What happened?" He said he'd had surgery for a repair. Later said it was Friday. I was puzzled at first, then realized I'd met with him virtually due to my own illness Monday and Wednesday, so, duh, wouldn't have seen his foot. He also had to shift me to an earlier appointment last Friday, so I guess that was why?

I still pushed forward and addressed some lingering feelings about what happened during his move. I think it was helpful? We did talk about how to deal with future situations where he might be completely unavailable in the future (with the move, he was bothered that I'd contacted his backup without asking him first, when...I was trying to avoid bothering him).* Which is probably a conversation we should have had ages ago. He said it's inevitable that it will happen at some point, referencing, for example, if one of his parents is dying. So we're going to continue that discussion.

*She was also moving, but he was the person in charge of the move, as he owned the new space and was in charge of the movers, plus had to set up things like the waiting room, kitchen, etc.

Im kinda bummed that the obits didnt mention her movies from the swinging 60s. I recently saw one with her and Michael Caine i think, where he was just awful to her, and i was like that is NOT lady violet. She was soooo beautiful.

ETA - it was neil simons california suite in 1978.

She won an oscar for best supporting actress in California Suite

Couch Workout Club day 57 (yesterday)

I got halfway through one of Adriene's yoga videos.

Day 58

Got some steps in when I went back to work.

Just an update on the girl I tutor, she textedd me to ask whether it's okay if she cancels in case she feels like she needs to a few hours before our usual sessions. Glad she hit me up, it feels really rude to not offer support...

Lost- I sometimes do Adrienne's shorter videos when I am pinched for time. I like her morning wake up, about 15 minutes, and I'll do the ten minute neck and shoulders when my neck is tight. Sometimes having those shorter ones bookmarked helps me when I am tired or not sure how much oopmh I've got in me. I think "I don't have the time or energy- oh wait, I can do ten minutes." I'm inspired by your commitment, by the way.

Thanks WFS,

I haven't had a chance to comb through them yet, but I would like to find a balance between challenge and something that my body will allow me to do.

Having this as a focus has been very helpful.

I had a good time with my sister, her bf and spent some pretty okay time with my mom too. Since I've been back home though, the depression that's been creeping back in has started getting worse. I may have to take pdoc up on the increase to 100mg sertraline which he offered last time and I said no. Or maybe I just need to get my butt out and walk every day again. I don't know. I am starting the medical weight loss program offered through work, hoping that working with a dietician and fixing my diet will help too. My poems are dark and sad the past couple days. I am feeling very broken.

And best actress for Miss Brodie.

I highly recommend her in Murder by Death. Also it has Truman Capote in his abortive acting career.

Hugs, Artie. I hope everything turns out OK healthwise. And there's no shame in trying 100 mg of sertraline--it's a common clinical dose (can go up to 200 mg, I think).

Thanks, LT.

It just bothers me lately that both L and R (temp t) said that I don't need therapy anymore, that I have all the tools, etc. If that's true then I wonder why I feel like I do need that support.

I don't know.

I think Brodie is probably her most famous role before the harry potter/downton abbey things happened - even though she was constantly on stage, film, and tv. I liked her in Murder by Death -but the writing was not as funny as I thought it should be. I also enjoyed A Private Function and Tea with Mussolini. A Room With a View was interesting just because of how she didn't end up clocking Helena Bonham Carter as far as i know. HBC seemed like such a twit at that age and by all accounts, MS did not suffer fools gladly. I like HBC as an actress much better now

Do you have friends/activities that you engage with on a regular basis and not as a part of work or your husband? If not, then those might help. I don't mean just random workshops but more people in real life (not online) you can go for walks/hikes/coffee/whatever your interests are on a regular weekly basis. I know on weeks/months when my friends are away traveling (my friends are mostly academics or retired persons who scatter at certain times of the year) -I am a little more unsettled than when they are in town and we are regularly playing pickleball, walking in the park two blocks away, etc. Usually there are some others around -but during one month this summer - it seemed like everyone else was traveling and no one was in town to play with. I kept up with everyone through text, email, and phone calls -but it wasn't like the regular walks/biking/pickleballing I do with people most of the time.

I also want to smack HBC in her early roles—A Room with a View and Howard’s End. Around the time of The King’s Speech she started growing on me.

I’m having trouble in my marriage. We aren’t fighting or anything. I think I just don’t love him anymore. I mean I love him as we are together for 24 years now but I’m not in love with him. We co-exist. We are more like roommates. We don’t spend any time together anymore. I work days all week Monday-Friday and he works nights all week Monday-Friday. When we are home together on the weekends we aren’t really “together”. Neither of us are putting forth any effort anymore. So it’s not just like I’m placing blame on him. I’m not. It definitely comes from both sides. The thing is that he’s not a bad guy. He treated me well. There is no simple answer to this. End it? Just keep living the way we are? I don’t actually expect anyone to give me the answer. I’m just sending the question out into the universe. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier alone. I’ll take advice if anyone has any. I know we can try to do things like find a hobby together or revisit some of the things we used to enjoy doing together to try to connect but the desire isn’t there from either side.

Well, are you content with the current arrangement? Is he? Are you financially interdependent on each other? If it’s three no’s, I’d say try a separation and see if that changes anything.

Lots of marriages end up like yours—roommates really. If it’s causing pain, do something about it. If it’s not causing pain, then think about what you want. Do you need that connection? Do you have some image of marriage that you feel you’re falling short of?

Thank you. All these things are good for thought. I don’t know if I actually need the connection, if that makes sense. I don’t know if I need that connection with any man to be honest. I know that I need “connection” but with whom? I can’t figure that out. It’s not causing pain on my end. I don’t know about him. As far as finances are concerned-I could do it on my own-it would be tight but I would get rid of stuff I don’t need. Like he thinks we need to have both Netflix and Hulu. I disagree. We don’t need both. We have Hulu Live. I would drop Netflix and save money there. My car insurance would go down. I might qualify for cheaper medical insurance without his income in play. So I know I would be able to afford it with less spending. I don’t necessarily have an image of what I think marriage should look like because it’s been this way for so long. I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed it. Or if I ever did.

Couch Workout Club day 59

I got my steps in today during my Sunday park walk, in spite of the weather being wet and windy and walked around a local craft shop.

You are so committed. Good job. Today I’ll be walking around a farmers market. They are about to close up for the fall and winter so it’s the last chance to go.

I was today years old when I found out that baby carrots are not grown that way; they are apparently ground down from either ugly, bent, or broken pieces of regular carrots. I'm like whaaaaaa? They taste so different.

I was a bit horrified when I learned how they were actually processed. I had googled it a few months ago because they tended to seem very "wet" in the bag and I wanted to make sure they were OK to eat. I've been buying "normal" carrots ever since.

Hugs, Jersey (if wanted). I can identify with this, though in my case, we've been together...19 years? Something like that (married 16). It can feel very roommate-llke at times. It can be difficult to know whether this is just what tends to happen in long-term relationships.

For us, it helps to go out together for a bit every week (without D), when possible, even just a couple hours. (I try to prioritize still doing that, even if I'm really tired or just not in the mood to go out.) But it feels we're in a rut with the same restaurants. At the beach a few weeks ago, I suggested we play mini golf, which is something we haven't done in years, which was fun and a bit bonding. Another thing--not sure if this applies to you, but we used to hang out with other people more (other couples or groups), which also helped, but that doesn't seem to have come back since the pandemic (and he was the more extroverted one).

I'm not sure if you've done this already. But have you talked to your H to see if he feels the same way? And, maybe more importantly, if he wants to change it? (Dr. T has given me that advice before, and I've found it to be helpful.) If he seems to have some interest in changing it, then talk about what you could do that might help. If he's content with things the way they are, then you have a different question.

Thank you LT. All good suggestions you made. I don’t know if he is content with the way things are-I know I need to have that talk with him. It’s hard because on my end I literally have no desire to be around him. And it’s not like I’m mad at him for something. I’m not. I mean I get frustrated because he is messy. I wish he would keep his things more tidy in the home or whatnot-but that’s not a marriage-ending issue. Part of me thinks he doesn’t want to make an effort to change it because he doesn’t bother just like I don’t. In your marriage you have your daughter as a common denominator between the two of you so even in your times of rut in your own marriage you have her that kind of ties you guys together. We did have a lot of friends throughout our 20’s and even early 30’s but all the couples kind of went their separate ways. Most went and built families. I think I have a lot to consider before I do anything drastic.