Feeling safe with your therapist after a break

Hi, all.

My therapy has been disrupted since mid-June when my therapist announced that she would be working virtually for the month of August.

A couple of weeks after this announcement, I gained some new insight that I really needed to talk to her about.



We had one session to talk about the knowledge I have gained in factual terms, and I anticipated being able to explore my feelings around this in the following session.

She reminded me that I could email in between if anything was left over, and I took her at her word.

Come the next session, she apologised for not replying to my email due to a week of technical difficulties. This included the camera on her laptop not working.

I panicked and got frustrated, which meant that she spent the rest of that session trying to reassure me.

The impact of this new knowledge is such that I cannot discuss it whilst we're working online.

So I feel as though I've basically had a six week break from therapy, even though we've met online during this time.

When we scheduled the virtual sessions, I noticed that the break she envisaged would encompass World Suicide Prevention Day.

It's a triggering day for me, because I only know about it thanks to Steve, and it takes on new significance now that he is gone.

We arranged to resume in-person on WSPD (10th September) and as it gets closer, I'm questioning my decision.

If you have had to rebuild your sense of safety with your therapist after a break...how did that work? What sort of things did you do in session to help?

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

Best wishes,

Lost

Whenever I've had a longer break, including now due to my T's situation, it took a bit of easy topics to get back to the trust. It didn't take nearly as long as in the beginning, but I certainly didn't feel like diving deep right away. I usually have a few important topics that I want to bring up, but usually never do. I opt for easier, relaxed topics. I've also always explicitly said I've trouble trusting again. It somehow has always dissolved after a week or two, but I've never done anything special to get to that point. I think experiencing therapy again with him is usually enough for me.

Thanks, CNS.

I have to keep reminding myself that we did the scheduling before the revelation happened.

The timing of the next in-person session was meant to be supportive, but I didn't think about the challenge of trying to reconnect on what is likely to be a difficult day anyway.

I'm sorry you are going through a version of this.

I also found just being with and experiencing L as what helped me the most. It took a long time to remember and get comfortable. And we started with virtual after the leave, too. That was hard. It was like a tease. But after a month or two, we were back in a rhythm. I'm not saying it's going to take you months, just that it takes time. It does get better and becomes familiar again. I think just lots of processing what happened between you two and then remembering will probably help.

Thanks Scarlet,

The idea of it being 'like a tease' resonates with me.
I am frustrated that we have to repair the relationship between us, rather than focusing on the stuff that she skipped over in getting to the break.

It's not the therapist's business to take the client out of what they're trying to process, is it?

It's just something else to deal with, when I already have enough on my plate.

I know she feels that nothing has changed, and that is hard to deal with.

What you feel is what matters more so than what she thinks, believes, or understands. Like L not understanding spaces/objects with me. What you're going through is real Things have changed for you. Maybe they'll change back, but for now you're where you're at.

L always says she doesn't want to rob me of what I'm feeling and experiencing. So no, I don't believe a therapist should take the client out of what they're processing. That's a major part of therapy: the processing.

Thanks, Scarlet.

This new stuff would still be hell, but it would be slightly easier to handle if she understood the impact...and the impact of not having my container.

Lost, I'd agree that it's important to communicate with her about what you're feeling. Including anger (though maybe don't express it quite the way I did with Dr. T earlier this month...).

Let her know you don't feel safe yet, that you'll need time to get there. And what might help you get there. You may not know right now, but might need to figure it out together. If you want to avoid certain topics until you get to that safe spot, also tell her that.

I will add that even though Dr. T didn't like how I went about expressing anger to him in that one session, I did feel better having gotten it out. I should have just done it in a more constructive way, but so much had built up by that point that I sort of exploded--which is very rare for me.

One thought might be to write down what you want to say and either read it or hand it to her to read (though it's awkward when they read something as we're sitting there). Or possibly email--but I know you just had an issue where she wasn't able to receive and read an email, so probably a bad option here. But I do think it can help to get all that out.

Thanks LT,

I think the biggest thing I need at the moment is connection.
I'm missing that with her, even though we have connectivity.

I thought I'd be able to talk about the disability stuff, but failed to realise that I've never had that conversation with anyone, so it's going to be a big hurdle.

We're skirting around what I need to discuss, and I'm not getting any benefit from it at the moment.

Thanks for the listening ear,

Lost

Just let yourself feel what you feel and trust things will be ok