She's ****ing pregnant again!!!

Una,
I was 7.5 years old when my sister was born. I don't think that that has anything to do with this. But maybe both my sisters' kids might. My younger sister claimed that all her children were accidents. I don't believe her. I think she knew what she was doing with the last two. And my older sister says that her second was an accident.

As far as quality therapy during my 2 hours... I guess it's quality. But it's not focused on me anymore. It's focused on her and how she affects me. We haven't done "me" work since she announced her first pregnancy. The only thing she helped me with that has nothing to do with her was the situation with my dad and sister. Everything else has been her.

She says it's good that I'm triggered. Not that she means to do it, but it gives us a chance to know this part of me and work through the trauma templates that are causing the sensitivities.

Artley,
I'm curious as to what therapist I should be looking for. Like what modalities? I know one who works with infertility and BPD would be good. Probably someone who does DBT. But otherwise I don't know.

I think you're right, I'm stuck in a loop of crisis. I think I am addicted to the catharsis. And I almost crave another crisis to feel it again. I don't think I'm doing this on purpose, but it is getting to be a pattern.

I am still waiting to make a decision like T told me to do. It's just such a hard one because it's permanent. If there was a way that I could test put therapists while still seeing L, that would be ideal. But to have e to get rid of her just to search is really difficult.

I think you're very wise to recognize this about yourself (the bolded part). Many people here on these forums feel this way, but sort of refuse to see it or recognize the pattern. Based on your ability to self reflect and see patterns that are negatively impacting your life, I think you would do remarkably well with a good DBT therapist!

IMO- Your current therapist is truly doing you a disservice and reinforcing old feelings and behaviors that are no longer serving YOU (and by "you" I mean the calm, wise, and regulated adult you wish to be and are more than capable of becoming). She may have good intentions and care for you on some level, but she's no longer doing quality therapy with you. It's an enactment that is harming you. And that's her fault. Not yours.

I asked her how and she told me. She said she did consider the consequences for me. I don't believe her. She still disrespected people like me. She still betrayed me. If she was thinking of me when she made her decision, why not tell me the chances? This is all bs.

I talked to T again. She suggested a 2-3 week break. She said if something comes up during the break, I can do a session with her.

I don't think L will keep my slots for 2-3 weeks... And I don't know what to do.

I can only imagine how heart-wrenching this is for you. And, I feel like L owes it to you to hold your slots for 2-3 weeks if that's what you need.

I can see how a break would help. Could you ask L if she could hold your slots for you? I imagine she might not agree keep the times open during the break itself (like in case you came in), but I'd certainly think she could keep them open for, say, 2 or 3 weeks for now. Though if it's only for a couple weeks, maybe she would keep them open even on the days you didn't plan to come in.

It's definitely worth asking.

At the time, I had intended to just end things, but when I (temporarily) terminated with Dr. T about 5 years ago, when I decided to go back a few weeks later, things seemed much better between us. Time apart can sometimes help if people seem to be at an impasse. So this could be worth considering, even if it may be difficult. There's no harm in asking L about it to see what your options are. Even one week of no contact could potentially help.

Thanks OliviaB and LT.

I do feel she owes me the break and keeps my slots. But then again when she told me about her pregnancy, she said that that session was for free (even though she only told me 30mins in, so 30mins to process was all I got). And right now, I've met my out of pocket, so sessions are free for me. Big deal that she gave it to me.

I did mention the break to her in a text. She said she'll respond this morning.

Maybe taking a break will help us both reset. Maybe it will even show her I'm serious about possibly leaving. Maybe she'll understand the gravity of the situation. And maybe it will give me a break from all her chaos and drama.

And I worry that taking this break gives me less time with her before her leave, she could give up and leave me, or the break doesn't help and I come back to the same problems we had before.

But I think all of this weighs on how long she'll let me leave for.

Plus, if she hasn't given up on me yet. I've written her some pretty cruel emails and texts. Two last night. Maybe I am trying to push her until she breaks. And if she does, then it's sort of evidence that she was never a fit.

H and I had a long talk last night. He desperately wants me to take a leave or leave her. He says he's tired of going through this with me. He called L a drug and a prostitute. He said I'm addicted to her and attached to her hip. And he said that you can't love a prostitute because she will never love you back. It's about the money, and it will always be about the money. I see his point for both... And the addicted part of me doesn't want to believe it. At least not the prostitute part.

She said she'll let me take off 5 consecutive sessions, but I have to collaborate with her first. And if I need more, I'll have to collaborate again with her.

What does she mean by "collaborate with her"? Like you need to meet to talk about it first?

Yes. I can't just take a break. I have to have another session with her.

It sucks because I just got a response from a text I sent early afternoon yesterday. It was a mean text and it was responded to with coldness and indifference. Maybe I deserved that, but it triggered me again. I'm supposed to have a check in call with her tonight. I'm thinking of canceling.

Hugs, Scarlet. It seems like she should be willing to let you just take a break. Could you cancel the check-in call, go to your next session, and take a break after that? Maybe you wouldn't even need to stay for the whole session if you didn't want to? Or you could meet virtually if that feels safer (if she'd allow that).

Here's what T wrote me today:
She misunderstood 5 sessions for 5 weeks.

This is hard for me. To willingly miss out on precious time with L. But things are not okay. And this needs to be taken seriously. And at least a break doesn't mean goodbye.

LT,
Yes, I think I am canceling today. I'm leaning towards taking the break. If for some reason I have to do a session (which T seems to think I shouldn't need to), I'll probably do it virtual and for as minimal time needed. If I miss tomorrow, I'll get charged a late fee. But she said it's only $15.

I'll update when I know what I'm doing.

Sorry for spamming my own thread. I wrote and sent this to L. Please no harsh judgments. This was much much more nicer than what I had been writing.

Youre sounding like a jealous lover, or am i reading that wrong? Not just this last note, but overall? I feel like i understand the desire, cuz boy did i make the "funny" remarks when my t remarried. I saw it as parts, but my t did not give credence or succor to my parts as your t seems to. He wouldnt let them run the show to my detriment. He propped up a different part of me that, now that i think of it, aligned more with him. Instead of my parents crazy interjects that only caused me trouble, i adopted t's serenity as my own. Its alright to replace it if it doesnt serve you.

Maybe I did it the wrong way. Maybe it's just because that's the way our relationship is. But at least I found the strength to cut ties with her even for a little bit. I don't think you understand how hard that was/is. I don't feel empowered. I feel devastated. But I know this is needed for me, for her, for our relationship. She would never step away, so I had to.

Hugs, Scarlet.

The only thing I wonder about is that you told her to not respond to your message. Do you think you'll be bothered if she listens to that and doesn't respond? (I've generally learned personally to not say "don't respond" because usually, deep down, I do want a response.)

I do understand why you said that though--I imagine it's partly so you aren't waiting on a response and also partly that you don't want her to try to change your mind. I just hope she keeps your time open after the 5 sessions are up, assuming you at least want to see her one more time, should you decide to leave.

Are you planning to see T during that time, as she offered? Seems like it could be a good idea for some support (aside from your H--I'm glad he's been there for you, too, but I'm sure it's difficult what he's saying about L).

The thing is - is your rational mind running the show or the emotional hurt mind running the show? It isn't going to really hurt or have much bearing on the therapist either way ultimately.

LT,
Yes,both things are correct: so I'm not waiting for a reply and so she doesn't change my mind. And yet I secretly hope she somehow still contacts me (like saying we agreed on one last session) and saves me. That's how ****ing emmeshed we are.

I think I will have a session next week with T. It's going to be extremely hard not having daily support. And I feel like I have ****ed everything up. Like she'll punish me if I decide to go back.

SD,
I'm still in emotional mind... However, this will hurt her, too. I know it will.