Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Mountaindewed · Oct 14, 2024 at 11:33 AM

I am so glad we moved to Thursday. I didn't feel like doing virtual therapy. I must have just had some weird side effect thing because I haven't had any of those feelings in the last 10 days or whenever that was

velcro003 · Oct 14, 2024 at 05:05 PM

hey t--I haven't written to you in here in a longgggg time. I don't know why your email today made me mad. I KNEW you weren't ignoring my phone call and emails this weekend. And you weren't, you were out of town. Except, now I don't want to see you on Wednesday. It makes no sense. And I absolutely will never tell you this.

velcro003 · Oct 14, 2024 at 05:19 PM

I also just realized that I fear you are going to tell me that we need to do something different. this therapy isn't working. I'm not sure I can handle that. I sort of want you to cancel.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 15, 2024 at 04:42 PM

Dear T,
I hope you'd have let me know by now if you were chosen for a jury and won't be able to meet tomorrow. Wish you'd have let me know either way. H just got really upset with D, and I'm hoping we can talk about it. (Obviously, I haven't had a discussion with him about this yet, but been kinda preoccupied with car stuff today.) So, I hope to see you tomorrow.
Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 15, 2024 at 07:53 PM

Depression sucks rocks. I've been fighting it back so hard. I feel like I'm losing again. I know it's only money but this latest $4500 hit with the stupid a/c just... I don 't know.

I miss therapy, I miss you.

I wrote a poem tonight about how depression feels. Sometimes, like tonight, I write to heal.

velcro003 · Oct 15, 2024 at 08:38 PM

i am already anxious about our appt tomorrow

LonesomeTonight · Oct 16, 2024 at 03:42 PM

Dear T,

Thank you for providing a space where I can share those sorts of thoughts without judgment. Whether you get it from a similar personal experience or just by virtue of being a parent, it helps. And I felt the empathy. Looked like you wiped a few tears at one point, too.

At times, I wish we could just talk as fellow parents, not therapist-client. But then, you couldn't provide space in the same way, I imagine. As it would be taken up by your stuff, too (whatever that is).

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 16, 2024 at 04:40 PM

Hi R,

We have a lot to talk about tomorrow.
All hell broke loose on some level the day after our most recent meeting.
Even when I am offered grace with compassion, it is nigh on impossible for me to accept it.

Then there's what happened on Monday, that should be a godsend, but is also a source of endless frustration.

Can we fit all this in to the one session?

Mountaindewed · Oct 16, 2024 at 06:22 PM

I read on Reddit that the good therapists don't have openings and the bad therapists do. You didn't want to toot your own horn but you said "yeah... thats true."

Which is why I went through 3 bad therapists with openings before being taken on by my last therapist then switched to you about 2 years ago.

So I think we have been meeting longer then I was meeting with my transference T.

velcro003 · Oct 16, 2024 at 09:54 PM

hi t-i can’t say i am “glad” i didn’t cancel, but it was a pretty good session. i wasn’t angry at you anymore, so i didn’t bring it up. i know you thought that journal entry was a really great way for you to see what it’s like when i am really upset. you know writing is easier, and it just flows better than trying to speak. i am glad that you aren’t planning on going anywhere, even if you’ve told me a million times already

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 17, 2024 at 10:55 AM

Today was the closest to connected I've felt in a long while.
There are still some hard conversations ahead, but I really appreciate that you understood what that moment on Monday meant to me, even if I'm not really sure what it 'means' to me right now.

comrademoomoo · Oct 17, 2024 at 04:25 PM

A week has gone by and I still haven't read your letter. I moved it to the back of my journal the other day and I saw a few words. Now I don't want to read it at all.

Victoria'smom · Oct 18, 2024 at 12:35 AM

Anna's back... You don't know her but if you did you'd be scared. I'm going to hide her and hope she goes away. I honestly don't think I can comply with medicine right now. I don't know what to do.

Possible trigger:

also my blood vessels are tight

you're already so worried I don't want to tell you these things.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 18, 2024 at 06:49 AM

Dear Z,

So good to connect with you again this morning.
I didn't realise that I needed somebody to acknowledge how 'debilitating' it is that I can't find the right words for this experience.

'Your life is made up of words.'

Yes, exactly.

I know I'm finding them slowly, but it's not anywhere near where I'd want to be.

See you online in a couple of weeks for the next support group.

Lost

LonesomeTonight · Oct 19, 2024 at 06:32 PM

Dear T,

I did have a discussion with H about D tonight--it went much better than expected. Not that we came to some great solution, but I wasn't expecting that. He does seem open to seeing someone for parenting guidance, so I'll ask Monday if you can check with your list-serv.

I know you said I didn't need to rush it, but I had a very obvious opening tonight when we were out, so I took it. I was only like two sips into my beer, too!

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 21, 2024 at 01:20 PM

Hi R,

People I'm speaking to are beginning to suggest looking into group support.
It's not that easy to find the particular kind of support that I would be interested in pursuing here.

I can't remember if I've shared my experience of reaching out to the main suicide bereavement charity with H.

May have to do that next week, as I imagine she'll be just as flabbergasted by it.

It's not possible to grieve without letting the emotions through - and that's a really hard lesson for me to learn.

Now we have to talk about the hardest aspect again.

I have little record of those first few sessions after Steve died, because I didn't write afterwards.

I don't remember feeling much when we were working on Zoom.

As I explained to H today...'I absorbed the news of Steve's death like a blow to the head.'

Back then I couldn't reach my feelings if I wanted to.

Now I have the choice, but I don't quite have the courage.

I need you to be in it with me.

See you soon,

Lost

Victoria'smom · Oct 21, 2024 at 07:11 PM

You can't help me, only one that can help us her.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 21, 2024 at 08:27 PM

I really don't like you anymore.

comrademoomoo · Oct 22, 2024 at 06:43 AM

I tried writing to you yesterday as we agreed, but I couldn't. It seemed ridiculous, I was writing to no one. I wonder who I am writing to here. Myself, in a way. I feel quite bleak about my inability to maintain connection, something is lacking in me and I feel great shame about it.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 23, 2024 at 09:23 AM

Too much to talk about tomorrow.
Lots that I can't talk about yet because it's still in process.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,802 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,764 hugs given	Oct 14, 2024 at 11:33 AM #21 I am so glad we moved to Thursday. I didn't feel like doing virtual therapy. I must have just had some weird side effect thing because I haven't had any of those feelings in the last 10 days or whenever that was __________________ I'm Blue
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,368 16 25 hugs given	Oct 14, 2024 at 05:05 PM #22 hey t--I haven't written to you in here in a longgggg time. I don't know why your email today made me mad. I KNEW you weren't ignoring my phone call and emails this weekend. And you weren't, you were out of town. Except, now I don't want to see you on Wednesday. It makes no sense. And I absolutely will never tell you this.
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,368 16 25 hugs given	Oct 14, 2024 at 05:19 PM #23 I also just realized that I fear you are going to tell me that we need to do something different. this therapy isn't working. I'm not sure I can handle that. I sort of want you to cancel.
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Oct 15, 2024 at 07:53 PM #25 Depression sucks rocks. I've been fighting it back so hard. I feel like I'm losing again. I know it's only money but this latest $4500 hit with the stupid a/c just... I don 't know. I miss therapy, I miss you. I wrote a poem tonight about how depression feels. Sometimes, like tonight, I write to heal.
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,368 16 25 hugs given	Oct 15, 2024 at 08:38 PM #26 i am already anxious about our appt tomorrow
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,838 5	Oct 17, 2024 at 04:25 PM #32 A week has gone by and I still haven't read your letter. I moved it to the back of my journal the other day and I saw a few words. Now I don't want to read it at all.
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Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 15,319 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,638 hugs given	Oct 21, 2024 at 07:11 PM #37 You can't help me, only one that can help us her. __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Oct 21, 2024 at 08:27 PM #38 I really don't like you anymore.
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,838 5	Oct 22, 2024 at 06:43 AM #39 I tried writing to you yesterday as we agreed, but I couldn't. It seemed ridiculous, I was writing to no one. I wonder who I am writing to here. Myself, in a way. I feel quite bleak about my inability to maintain connection, something is lacking in me and I feel great shame about it.
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