Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

i am already anxious about our appt tomorrow

Dear T,

Thank you for providing a space where I can share those sorts of thoughts without judgment. Whether you get it from a similar personal experience or just by virtue of being a parent, it helps. And I felt the empathy. Looked like you wiped a few tears at one point, too.

At times, I wish we could just talk as fellow parents, not therapist-client. But then, you couldn't provide space in the same way, I imagine. As it would be taken up by your stuff, too (whatever that is).

Love,
LT

Hi R,

We have a lot to talk about tomorrow.
All hell broke loose on some level the day after our most recent meeting.
Even when I am offered grace with compassion, it is nigh on impossible for me to accept it.

Then there's what happened on Monday, that should be a godsend, but is also a source of endless frustration.

Can we fit all this in to the one session?

I read on Reddit that the good therapists don't have openings and the bad therapists do. You didn't want to toot your own horn but you said "yeah... thats true."

Which is why I went through 3 bad therapists with openings before being taken on by my last therapist then switched to you about 2 years ago.

So I think we have been meeting longer then I was meeting with my transference T.

hi t-i can’t say i am “glad” i didn’t cancel, but it was a pretty good session. i wasn’t angry at you anymore, so i didn’t bring it up. i know you thought that journal entry was a really great way for you to see what it’s like when i am really upset. you know writing is easier, and it just flows better than trying to speak. i am glad that you aren’t planning on going anywhere, even if you’ve told me a million times already

Today was the closest to connected I've felt in a long while.
There are still some hard conversations ahead, but I really appreciate that you understood what that moment on Monday meant to me, even if I'm not really sure what it 'means' to me right now.

A week has gone by and I still haven't read your letter. I moved it to the back of my journal the other day and I saw a few words. Now I don't want to read it at all.

Anna's back... You don't know her but if you did you'd be scared. I'm going to hide her and hope she goes away. I honestly don't think I can comply with medicine right now. I don't know what to do. you're already so worried I don't want to tell you these things.

Dear Z,

So good to connect with you again this morning.
I didn't realise that I needed somebody to acknowledge how 'debilitating' it is that I can't find the right words for this experience.

'Your life is made up of words.'

Yes, exactly.

I know I'm finding them slowly, but it's not anywhere near where I'd want to be.

See you online in a couple of weeks for the next support group.

Lost

Dear T,

I did have a discussion with H about D tonight--it went much better than expected. Not that we came to some great solution, but I wasn't expecting that. He does seem open to seeing someone for parenting guidance, so I'll ask Monday if you can check with your list-serv.

I know you said I didn't need to rush it, but I had a very obvious opening tonight when we were out, so I took it. I was only like two sips into my beer, too!

Love,
LT

Hi R,

People I'm speaking to are beginning to suggest looking into group support.
It's not that easy to find the particular kind of support that I would be interested in pursuing here.

I can't remember if I've shared my experience of reaching out to the main suicide bereavement charity with H.

May have to do that next week, as I imagine she'll be just as flabbergasted by it.

It's not possible to grieve without letting the emotions through - and that's a really hard lesson for me to learn.

Now we have to talk about the hardest aspect again.

I have little record of those first few sessions after Steve died, because I didn't write afterwards.

I don't remember feeling much when we were working on Zoom.

As I explained to H today...'I absorbed the news of Steve's death like a blow to the head.'

Back then I couldn't reach my feelings if I wanted to.

Now I have the choice, but I don't quite have the courage.

I need you to be in it with me.

See you soon,

Lost

You can't help me, only one that can help us her.

I really don't like you anymore.

I tried writing to you yesterday as we agreed, but I couldn't. It seemed ridiculous, I was writing to no one. I wonder who I am writing to here. Myself, in a way. I feel quite bleak about my inability to maintain connection, something is lacking in me and I feel great shame about it.

Too much to talk about tomorrow.
Lots that I can't talk about yet because it's still in process.

I'm not "allowed" to see you in person tommorow. This thing can kiss my ***.

gosh darn it i want to check in with you.

6 hours and nothing. You knew I was struggling, but you're not concerned enough to check-in. I hate you. I open myself up to you in vulnerable ways only to be abandoned when I really need you.

Dear T,

That was a nice exchange at the end of session today, about my fumbling to fit everything back in my purse. Felt affectionate, like you appreciate our relationship, even if it's complicated and messy sometimes. That's how I feel about it, too.

Love,
LT

Being a little honest scared you hopefully we can talk about it Monday.

I get it now! I'm just a client. My pain stems from my issues (abandonment, neglect, invalidation, rejection, favoritism, and aloneness) or just the unfairness of the universe. No matter what I do, no matter how much of myself I give, you are my doctor and I am just a patient. Everyone is right. It's just a paid relationship. Maybe there's love, but the basis is just that: doctor/client. Nothing more.

I can tell I'm over my jealousy because I came into the zoom session with covid on Thursday and didn't care when you said I sounded "covidy." And I was worried my coughing was a distraction so I was trying to keep it quiet.

Well my new poetry eBook just became available today. i want to tell you about it but don't worry, I won't bother you. it's something that came about after we last spoke so it's not like I could say "remember when I talked about...." or something. i've been writing a lot of poems lately inspired by edgar allan poe, and one of my poetry challenge friends suggested I do a chapbook of them, which I thought was a grand idea. so as soon as I had 20+ poems I put one together.

Dear T,

I imagine it had no meaning at all that you signed the forwarded email about the parenting therapist with your first initial today before your autosignature, but it did feel nice. You were probably replying to other people at the time, maybe friends, where you use that sort of signature, so you probably did it without thinking. So I won't read anything into it.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I guess I jinxed things with H by telling you he seemed in a good mood Saturday and that we'd had a nice dinner out, including a good conversation about D. Now he seems angry with me. I thought I was just backing up his comment re: D, but clearly, he thought differently. Why do these things tend to happen shortly after a session? I suppose it's good I'm going out with a friend in an hour...

Love,
LT