Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

Thanks, Ana.

Yes, I prefer phone over virtual, too. It helps me not be overstimulated by eye contact. Sometimes seeing her is nice, but it is harder. In-person just is so much better. The withness I miss the most. But then again, I don't have to physically see her stomach virtually or by phone... That's the dilemma now. Can I deal with in-person or will I just be triggered? I wish this was like her first pregnancy. I actually enjoyed watching her grow.

I don't remember anything about today's session except for talking about scheduling, vacations and leaves; there's good L, bad L, and good and bad L; I was feeling numb; loss of innocence; and something about mother-hunger. I know the topics, but I don't remember the actual point of any of these things.

I'm sorry you don't remember much of it. Could you maybe ask L to fill in the gaps for you?

Yes. Actually, I told her about my memory and she offered.

I asked my doctor for a neurologist referral. L said she thinks it's a good idea. I hope I don't have to wait too long for it and to get seen. I know everyone rushes to see doctors at the end of the year.

L helped me. Now I know what happened!

So we were talking about the 3 L's when we realized that if I accept good and bad L, that means I have to grieve the loss of good L, my old L, who I felt safe and protected with. The loss of innocence is about her. Realizing that she can hurt me this bad, make this bad of a mistake (birth control in this case). It's not about putting her on a pedestal, more believing in the good and ignoring the bad. And losing good L translates to losing my fantasy: my fantasy for her to be my mother in reality. I guess the fantasy can still exist, but the picture of her being a perfect mother is tainted now by reality.

Okay, now THIS is what i would call a rupture! Rupture and repair. There is now a new connection. Like that japanese gold ceramic glue stuff. No longer perfect, but now more nuanced and interesting than before.

That is huge, Scarlet.
I'm glad L helped you to recall what you were discussing.

My hope is that you will be able to allow yourself the space to process what this means for you with her support.

Yes, we're continuing the topic in today's session.

We had a hard day yesterday. It was mostly about me being upset that "good L" has to be grieved. Why can't she still be safe and secure? Why was she that way for 4 years, and now she can't be? I don't understand.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

I can relate to being upset that you have to grieve someone.

I dont remember when it was in relation to my ruptures, but at some point i started to realize and accept what a horrible person i myself was / am / whatever. I feel more accepting of myself now, but i used to believe i was effing perfect, no joke. I had to forgive myself. Believe i was doing the best i could with the cards i had been dealt. Anyway, saying this acceptance of flaws in myself and t are two lanes of the same road.

Thanks, Lost. I feel for you and for all your griefs of losing people in all the ways you can lose a person. So much respect to you for coping and continuing on even with everything. I can only imagine how hard it is.

Thanks, Luna. Funny you should mention that. L last night was saying that I see myself in black and white, too. That it's hard for me to see the both/and within myself, that I'm sometimes all bad. I guess maybe all good at other times.

Thanks, scarlet. It was kind of a relief. I felt like i was holding my breath before.

I didnt realize how much i was imitating my mothers emotional coping mechanisms, which pretty much involved dumping my feelings on other people, and being passive aggressive, and emotional eating. Just not taking responsibility for how dam pushy i was. A few people called me out on it, but while it hurt, those incidents werent enough to change me.

ETA - I mean, they did not make a DENT. I was in therapy, but not good therapy!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Scarlet. I'm wondering: Is this similar to something else you've dealt with in life, maybe as a child? Realizing that a parent wasn't safe and secure, for example? So maybe you're reexperiencing that in a way?

And/or thinking that she's the one person for you who is truly safe and accepting, and now she isn't, so you feel a loss of hope? It makes me think of how I felt when ex-MC was rejecting after my love email (been talking about that a bit lately with Dr. T). Where I put all this hope and trust in him. And it also showed me that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Just wondering if some of that could be going on for your, too. Like "I have lost my chance at safety and security."

I think it could be that, LT. I think I always knew my mother was unsafe, but my dad...

I remember a session with ex-T. We had talked about my mother a lot with no tears ever. But this session she brought up my dad, and I cried. She thought I was faking it.

I have given my dad so many chances. And look at even recently: supporting him for 5 years, and because of my sister, he turns his back on me and accuses me of abuse.

Maybe it's the same with L. Yes, the loss of hope. Similar to the loss of innocence L and I used. It's realizing that she isn't safe, least not completely. It's realizing she can't protect me from everything even from her. And it's realizing that she can't be my perfect mother.

I think I am realizing that I can never find that perfect safety and security in a person. That my desire for a real safe parent will never come true. And it hurts. I truly thought L was different.

I'll be honest, I don't feel ready to give up the fantasy, but I'm being forced to.

I don't remember today’s session.

I talked to my pharmacist about my memory issues and she told me it's probably the Vraylar I'm on. My psychiatrist is going to be pissed at me for wanting to get off another med. I had to get off of Lithium because of side effects, so she put me on this. I also got a referral to a neurologist. There's no reason I should be having this bad of memory issues at 42.

I was actually going to ask if it could be from a medication. I hope if it is that, you can find something else that helps without that side effect.

Pdoc is going to try to tapper me off Vraylar if the insurance will approve the lower dose. She is increasing my Seroquel though and high doses are known for weight gain. I can't win.

Talked to L on the phone today. There were two things going on. 1. When I asked her for an apology, she seemed to blame everything on my issues. She said my pain is not my fault and is not bad. She said she was being sorry for triggering my issues. 2. I asked her to reconsider a boundary she has with all her clients. It's technically not a big thing if she keeps her boundary. I'll be a little upset, but it's not going to cause a rupture or anything. But it upset me because 1. She doesn't have this boundary with strangers/new people and 2. She lumps me into the "client" category. I know I'm a client, but I want to be treated as a human and as myself. Like a small example is kleenex. Therapists are taught not to hand tissues to clients because they believe it means to the client that they shouldn't cry. I explained to L that giving me kleenex is a signal to keep crying and it's a kind gesture. Little things like that mean a lot to me. And I know she has changed her boundaries for me before, too. She also explained to me that being her client is a good thing. She is mine and I am hers. We would have never met in any other context. And this frame allows us to have a deep bond and do this kind of work. She is right about those things. She would never be a part of my life if we met differently.

This type of relationship is just hard to comprehend sometimes. You're a client, but you're special. You pay someone to listen to you, but they love you, too. There are weird boundaries sometimes, but other ways they are loose. This relationship can't exist in the real world. No friend would put up with this much of your bs. Yet somehow that hour can mean the world to you. It's just confusing.

Hugs, Scarlet. I also struggle with the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship.

I forget whether I posted about this at all, so if I did, sorry for the repeat. But something that I talked about with Dr. T recently is I was saying how I hate that I'm just this tiny blob in his life. And he said that when I'm in session with him, that I'm a big blob. How even his wife and son are just tiny blobs at that time. Like, basically, I'm the only person he's focused on and thinking about for those 50 minutes.

The therapeutic relationship is very confusing though. For many of the reasons you mention. But that doesn't mean it's not valuable or that it's not real.