Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

It's wonderful that you can express care for L's children through investing time in making something for them.

I hope you will continue to be gentle with yourself as all this unfolds.

Hugs,

Lost

Just had my session. First time in months no crying. Either the topic wasn't that deep (talking about guilt and anger) or I'm just really numb for some reason. Probably both. We were talking about getting my needs met. Something about feeling rejection and abandonment. Idk. Because it wasn't anything deep, it kind of felt like a waste.

Hugs Scarlet,

That must be so hard when you feel as though you're on a deadline.
Doing the deep work all the time is hard going, but feeling like you can't do the deep work is even worse, in my opinion.

I hope you continue to find a path through this that works well for you.

Lost

Thanks, Lost. Thank you for understanding about not being able to do deep work especially on a deadline. It's stressful. Every moment counts. And time goes by too fast when you need it to go slow. (And goes too slow when you need it to go fast). Four and a half months is all I've got and that's only if she makes it to her due date. Babies can come early. I came 3 weeks early.

I just want to get to a place where I have confidence in my relationship with L. Where I can feel secure and maybe even a little safe? Three months, on my own without a therapist is hard. I know I did it last time, but I did have a little therapeutic support during it. This time looks like L will be my only therapeutic support.

Hugs, Scarlet.

Unfortunately, babies can come early.
I was three months ahead of schedule.

No need to answer here, but I am wondering what that sense of security would look like for you?

Might T be able to offer a suggestion for an empathic backup, even if she is unable to be an empathic backup?

I remember how hurt you were by G. *hugs*

If L is it, that's a lot of pressure on a relationship that's already feeling really fragile.

I'm holding the hope that you can regain some sense of trust in her, because that feels important to me in terms of safety.

Intellectually I understand that I have to trust R, because she's the only person who can physically sit with me through all of this.

The timing of the summer break was atrocious, but it's taken us a couple of months to even begin to rebuild that trust.

It's a whole different topic, compared to what we need to be working on.

All this to say I see you, and I'm holding hope for you.

Hugs,

Lost

I would use the three months to find a new therapist and begin working with them. It is appalling practice that she is aware that she is working in an unethical way with you and yet continues. I can imagine that parts of you welcome these unboundaried interactions (the emails she believes would be career ending, her sharing intimate details about her life/body/health, etc) because it feels special, because you are attached to her, because you believe it is proof of how deep your bond is. I feel for you Scarlett, I really do. It is not evidence of deep therapeutic care, it is evidence of her lack of awareness, professionalism, skill: evidence of her lack, not your connection. I don't read examples of harmful practice and then hope for you to continue working with her. I hope for better for you. My stuff with my ex-therapist is written through this, and I am on repeat again with you, so leave it as you will. There is no animosity here.

I don't feel any animosity, Comrade. Not at all.

I know I must be irritating to some. Maybe many. I complain about my relationship with L and I know even by her own words that she is being unethical. I'm being unhealthy, she is being unhealthy, and that's probably why our relationship is having problems. Simple things, like not telling me she would let me know when she starts trying for a family, wouldn't have resulted in such big ruptures. And yet I stay. I stay and I know better. I know what people are telling me is good sound advice. And still I stay. It will probably never get better. Maybe this rupture can be worked through, maybe not. But we will always run into issues because of her loose boundaries. I never had these issues with T. Worst thing with T is one time she wasn't listening to me about something. I probably never had boundary issues with ex-T either. There were other warning signs with ex-T.

I just want what she is offering so badly! Last in-person session, I really think I was finally ready to quit. My goal was to remain silent, to fight her advances. But I couldn't. She brought up good memories which made me start crying. And then it was too late. I wanted to hold onto those memories. I wanted what we had back.

I just don't know how to do it. Maybe if I just ghosted her? But I promised I would have one last session with her, a closure session. And my word means a lot to me. I feel trapped. Trapped knowing what I crave she is offering me, bit what she is offering me is unhealthy.

I'm sorry everyone for being pathetic and a pain. I feel like maybe I should just stop complaining. It's my choice I'm staying. I'm doing this to myself. I can see now how/why divine gave up on me.

You’re not pathetic or a pain Scarlet. This isn’t easy and nobody else is in your shoes right now

Seconding this.

Scarlet this is all so hard. Can you talk to T about this?

Thank you all for your support. It really means a lot to me. Truly. I just feel bad that I'm going in circles and not being able to stop it.

Deejay: I am overdue to write T. I write her once a month. I'll ask her for her opinion and advice when I write her again. She has always been wise and has good boundaries.

I did actually tell L today that people here and pdoc think I should leave her. And that I worry that it might be an abusive relationship. She asked me who knows us best. I told her T knows us best, but H knows our dynamic best. She said she's always making sure that our relationship doesn't turn abusive and that I don't get stuck in a pattern. It's hard to trust because that would be the answer for an abuser and non-abuser.

Session yesterday was hard. I told her happy birthday to her son. I got to see another picture of him. He's so precious.

We talked about why she prepared herself for a possible pregnancy, but not me. I forgot her answers. I told her she shouldn't have told me that she'll let me know when they start trying. But I also admitted that I don't regret it because her pregnancies have a huge impact on me. And that I will ask it again of her. This time I'll just be more prepared for this scenario again. I don't trust her wise-mind anymore when it comes to birth control.

I am pissed at her today. I asked her if she could write a letter to my new neurologist. I said she didn't have to, but if she did, it could be simple. For once she puts up a boundary and tells me if it takes her longer than 20mins to write it, she'll charge me. Like wtf? In the 5+ years, she has never told me that. So why now? I almost rather her not write because that's some b.s.

We had another small rupture, I don't remember what day. I had waited all day for her to respond to a text and when she did, at the end, she said goodnight. To me that meant end of conversation. That she was done for the day. I was upset because I actually had a really good weekend, and then she cuts me off from texts. We had a phone call and she said that her intention is never to cut me off. That goodnight's are the same as good morning's: just expressing care. So another misunderstanding between us.

It seems like that's all that keeps happening. For 5+ years we were on the same page. Now since her pregnancies, we are constantly having problems. I don't understand why. It can't be all on me can it? I know I'm ultra sensitive right now, and that my BPD can flare up. But am I causing all these issues? Is it just because I'm the "sick" one? Because this isn't fun. This is likea natural disaster hits which is hard enough, but picking up the pieces hurts, too. I'm definitely not trying to do this on purpose if this is my fault.

She can be working in an unethical way (which by her own admission is true) without being abusive. Whether she is an abuser or not is a bit loaded and black/white. I would be asking questions like is the work safe, solid, responsible, challenging, ethical.

For me, one of the saddest things about your descriptions of the relationship is that it doesn't sound like it will ever be ok without seismic shifts from her which at this point I think you would find intolerable because it would involve boundaries, her stepping back to allow you space, privacy, not sharing, not having access to her, etc and this would feel devastating and like abandonment (it wouldn't be, it would be both healthy work and painful).

The point of your therapy appears to be for you to feel loved by her. When you do, it's good. When you don't, you are in rupture. It is self defeating for that to be the focus. She should have been supporting you to be be in contact with all parts of you (not her) and for you to love those parts of you (not for her to love them). If love happens, that's something else, but for it to be the organising principle in the relationship reinforces a BPD outlook where you look to the other as an extension of your self.

So, it's not all you Scarlett. You are trying your best in an impossible dynamic which she is unethically upholding.

And I agree with others that no one here knows the whole of the work - not me who sees it as poor therapy, not other posters who hope you can work it through with her. The person who does know the whole is you. You know those parts who love her and those parts who know she isn't serving your development.

And her reverting you back to the relationship as proof of its solidity when you have valid and serious concerns about the safety of the relationship (which she herself has confirmed is unsafe) is not a valid reality check. It's circular.

I don't want to be disruptive to your process or add to the confusion by posting. However, I feel really strongly about not being a bystander if I see wrong. Again, my stuff is written through this (which is true for all other posters too).

It doesn't matter how frequently you post or repeat stuff. We all do it in our own ways. It's part of being here.

Oh I don’t know why but I don’t like her response of ‘who knows us best’ that seems like a red flag but maybe that’s just me
Good posting from Comrade, especially how the only one who knows the whole is you, Scarlett.
There is no judgement from me, if others are getting frustrated by your situation I can only imagine how hard it is to live it. But I do believe you will figure this out ❤️

Comrade,
You're right. If L stepped back, if she put up boundaries that should have been there all along, I don't think I would tolerate it from her. It would be too much. It would be like an abandonment, rejection, or punishment. I think I would be able to leave at that point. It changes everything I've known for 5 years. I think I said it once before that I think she must feel trapped, too. Because I bet she knows if she went backwards, I wouldn't stand for it. Now if those boundaries would have been established to begin with, I doubt I would have objected to them. I didn't with any other therapist.

I think you're right about the love aspect. And I think it's any time I sense or feel rejection. I've become so attached and so dependent that I can't stand it when even the littlest thing goes wrong. I am depending on her for love: to love me and love my parts. I'm not doing the work, she is. Well, I am trying to do the work of identifying these parts and learning what they are saying. But caring for them? She's usually the one that speaks love to them. She cherishes me more than I do.

I don't think anyone here including you are disruptive to my process. I think it helps me. Information and learning is a good thing. And I'm trying so hard to genuinely take it in. I do however still feel bad that I'm putting you and other as a bystander. Like I feel bad that I'm not doing anything right now to fix the situation. I'm drowning myself at this point, not her.

But I seriously appreciate your input and support as well as others. I value what you have to say (even when it's hard for me to hear it!).

Hi Scarlet,

I felt a twinge when I read your comments about 'not doing anything to fix the situation'.
This is a hard situation to 'fix', because it's not going to change favourably for you.

I'm not sure how comfortable it would be, but could you do some writing/vision board stuff about what a tolerable relationship with L might look like in the future?

What would you need to feel comfortable working with her, and held in a therapeutic sense?

(Note: that will be different than being held in a relational sense.)

Hugs,

Lost

Thanks for your confidence, Ana. I have to figure it out at some point, right? I can't sustain this forever.

I told L similar this week. I told her that I know being on the other end of this isn't fun, but going through it isn't fun either.

And both you and Comrade are very right. Only I know myself best. I just don't know how to fix this situation without getting hurt. If I stay, I hurt. If I leave, I hurt.

Lost,
I can see how that would be beneficial. To be completely honest, doing writing or a vision board of what a healthy relationship with L would look like, scares me so bad. Technically, in my head, I know what would need to change (e.g. everyday contact). But saying, writing, actually processing those things is terrifying. Because I don't want to face the unhealthy parts. Again, like everyday contact. I don't think I was doing that with T. I'm not sure though. But with L we spend a ton of time communicating with each other Every.Single.Day. She's my therapist, not my friend. Most of the time, it's not casual talk. It is about some sort of processing. But even that should be saved for sessions. I need to live my own life, not a life through her. AND it's terrifying!!! Even admitting some of it here in this response is scary.

H thinks L and I should stop pretty much all texts and emails. I don't agree with him, but he thinks we should just do phone calls. He believes, and is right, that most our communication problems are started from misunderstandings in writing. And that the problem only gets worse until we talk via phone of in-person.

I will think on it. Maybe even have a discussion with H as he's been a good sounding board lately. I know, in the end, he just wants me to be happy. With or without L, doesn't matter so long as I'm happy in life. But I'm not happy. And I need to start taking care of myself.

Thank you for considering the idea.

I can understand why it would be scary to face those things in tangible form.
I suppose in an ideal scenario she'd be able to help you with this process, but because she's caught up in it too...that makes it all the more difficult.

Hugs,

Lost