[Mouse_]

It's funny the things that become the most prominant when looking back on a session. On friday through snot and tears when I said to T that I know its irrational and I'm an adult but I just want you to be with me all of the time, then I'd be ok. T then replied that what I meant was if she had been with me in the "beginning" then I would have been ok.

I remember at the time thinking about that, but it didn't make to much sense to me or seem like it would. But since then its like she had spoke to a part, a part that was the one that said the words, and that part heard and its totally out of my control which parts say what and which they choose to hear. But I've been gradually more and more comforted and feel that I am now able to get on with my adult life knowing that small part has T at the beginning. That part has been able to re-write its story and no longer looking for that secure base not even realising thats what it needed as it never existed in real time growing up, but now it has a real feeling of a secure base to which to venture out from and to know that person is there still in the background is sending me with real caring and compassion. It doesnt feel as scary as it normally does. I know when I said to T this sounds stupid just before I said to her about wanting her to be with me all the time, but it was like this voice was repeating it and repeating it in my head and it had to be said. I think I will go with the words in my head a lot more in T, these are the parts that want to be heard.

[Perna]

Words from heart, not head; head words think too much, heart words are the feeling ones.

It is nice not to have some of the younger ones screaming all the time in pain, fear, and misery. I've always been fascinated when I watch Scrooge/A Christmas Carol and see the two children, "Ignorance" and "Want" depicted. I always felt like I had children like that under my "skirt".