[MissCharlotte]

What a beautiful, connection session. OMG, he was right there with me the entire time. Sigh.

We talked about my Easter experience with my family of origin yesterday and how I was able to hold onto myself through the day, a huge leap for me. Even though I am the middle of five I often feel very apart from my family.

T and I talked about the feelings that came up surrounding the absence of shared experience and linked it to my childhood loneliness.

I became anxious and began to feel as though I was floating away and I grounded myself.

I read a passage with to him from "Girl Interrupted," a book I just finished. It was a part that I really identified with and is directly related to my impulse to cut. As soon as I started to read, my voice cracked and I began to cry very softly. I gathered myself, recovered and finished reading. We discussed the passage. He really really understood where I was coming from. Finally, he said, "Miss, we have to stop." I frowned and he said, "I know...I know."

He complimented my ability to recognize when I was about to dissociate and how I grounded myself by reading to him. I gave him another book I've been reading about SI, so he could share that as well. I told him that the book was kind of clinical but it felt a lot like the work we have been doing. He said he looked forward to learning the labels the author applied to it!

I said, "I'm never stopping therapy." He said, "What I hear you say is that you like shared experience." Sigh.

[Kiya]

=) that is wonderful, miss.
I am re-reading Girl Interrupted again right now also... like the 5th time. it makes a lot of sense to me.

(((((((((miss))))))))

kiya

[chaotic13]

Glad to hear things are going well for you.

this must be such a relief after so many trials... they always say making up is the best

hugs to you sweetness... so glad you feel so good

[Mouse_]

MS, What a great session!

[MissCharlotte]

Hey thanks guys,

It was a great session--not so much about making up--because that was a while ago. (I think we've had three whole weeks of peace..). But, absent the rupture I don't know if the trust would have developed that has come to be. He didn't flinch, he just didn't flinch despite my incredible rage.

The aftermath of this wonderful session has me bowled over today. I was out of my mind this morning, processing the unmet longing that as a child left me abandoned and unprotected. I had to call T to go over something briefly and it helped. I can't believe a little child ever felt this bad; this desperate; or this lonely. Little children had suicidal feelings? This little child is me.

My whole body aches now, as I am coming down from this morning's rush of feeling.

Some feelings are old, but they appear in the context of new experience. The dilemma is figuring out why/how/when.

Sigh

[Kiya]

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MissCharlotte said:
Little children had suicidal feelings? This little child is me.

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***owlet digs arund fur her teddy bear to let your little have fur a bit. his name is cuddles. he got us this far. we were 7 when we strted thinking like that and wantng out***

((((Miss))))),
But, absent the rupture I don't know if the trust would have developed that has come to be. He didn't flinch, he just didn't flinch despite my incredible rage.

I can totally relate to this. This is the first session in awhile it seems that was peaceful for me. I think I am learning and gaining more insight because of our rift.

Some feelings are old, but they appear in the context of new experience. The dilemma is figuring out why/how/when.

So true. It sometimes seems like the high only lasts momentarily until the next wave of "figuring things out" comes to pass. I applaud you for your perseverance and courage to have come this far. It will be interesting what all of us who are at this phase in therapy will be posting in a year.