Should I go back to that therapist?

I posted but then deleted a post about my therapist. On my 2nd visit he got way too personal in some questions and it really upset me.

My question is - do I go back? Or just forget it and move on and find someone else?

I was supposed to have an appointment today, at 5:30 PM. I already called to cancel. Should I bother rescheduling...or just ignore him if he calls?

I still haven't got an official answer from the ethics people on whether or not he really crossed the line...or if it's okay for him to get that personal but I just took it the wrong way. I don't know yet.

The degree of how uncomfortable he made you has been made very obvious-- you have posted about getting a new therapist, online therapists, not wanting to go back to him, how embarrassed he made you feel in the session, etc. I am wondering why you would suddenly take a poll and consider going back to him. Is it because of the frustration of not being able to go about finding a "good" therapist? I really think what he did is inappropriate. I do not think it is inappropriate for a therapist to ask very personal sexual questions (if it was so inappropriate then sex therapists would be out of a job), but I do believe the way that he went about it was completely inappropriate-- in regards to timing, context on the conversation, etc. Don't go back into a situation in which you were so obviously uncomfortable just because you might be feeling some desperation to get help. Can you fuel those feelings into finding someone else who can help you?

You mentioned in another post that you already found someone in the same building who is willing to see you for a first time appointment. Did this fall through? You are mentioning going back to this other therapist or forgetting about it and 'finding someone else' so I'm wondering hat happened.

Razzleberry, these are some things you have said in the other thread:

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I really think he went too far.

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I just don't feel comfortable going back there.

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I know it's slightly irrational but I'm scared he could do something since no one would be around.

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With those feelings, I don't think you should go back. You know how you feel. Trust your gut. Find someone you are comfortable working with. I was glad to read you had found another therapist and made an appointment.

I do have an appointment tomorrow with a different person in a different office. I'm actually still on the waiting list for the Psychiatrist that is in the same building as this first guy. The one I'm set up for tomorrow is just a therapist, not meds.

I guess just asking if it would help to go tell him in person that I'm upset and I'm going to find another therapist. Or if that would just be dumb.

And I just want to stop this cycle....this is how I was before, I'd jump ship after only a few sessions and I never stuck with a therapist very long. Back then, it was all me. I just gave up. Didn't click. Or whatever.

So I promised myself before I ever met this one that I was going to stick it out this time, I wasn't going to just quit like I always did before. But then this happened.....and ugh. I just don't know.

It's like....go back, get some closure? Or go back, risk getting abused? Or just go to the other one and just try and let it go....but I never just let stuff go!!! That's me.

I think you should listen to your inner voice. I read somewhere that if we are asking ourselves questions like this about our T's something is up!

Raz,
Even in light of what AlexK shared... it still seems like it was a bit over the top. Really it depends on what you want to do.. you seemed pretty freaked out by the last session. I would have definitely been freaked out! LOL

Ameda.. I liked the inner voice comment, just created a funny image in my head. As for the if your asking these questions... then there is likely a problem...not sure if I agree with that one. I question myself, my T, my doctors, just about everyone I meet. I think its more if you are asking questions and can't find at least some good logical acceptable answers, THEN there is a problem.

You could always call and leave a message on his machine, saying why you are discontinuing with him, if you want closure. Something along the lines of "What you said about X at our last session made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, therefore, I've decided to seek therapy elsewhere."

That was my addictions Dr's advice to one of the women in my recovery group when a therapist had crossed the line with her.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

--splitimage

I think it's really good that you want to stop the cycle of running!

I think you're feeling better about it now and want to go again, talk about what happened, and see how that goes. I don't think there's a right or wrong and what we out here think doesn't matter. It's what you think and feel that matters. It could be good growth potential to be able to walk in and say you didn't like the direct and detailed questions from the first session and see how that goes.

I think it could be good. Maybe the shock of the directness has settled down some and now you feel that his questions showed that he was listening to you and wanted to let you know you could talk about any part of it with him. That's great, and you can still tell him how you feek about it being so intense so soon. The pace is for you to set and can be changed as you go. Perhaps right now you just want to go slower and that's okay.

Razzleberry, i read your original post and i don't think you should go back to that T but at the end of the day it is your choice. Good luck whatever you decide.

I'm not sure if he crossed any lines or was inappropriate. I AM sure that he made you very uncomfortable and it gave you a lot of anxiety. I am a believer in listening to your "gut" You already know what your gut feelings were. That's all that really matters. Move on. See the new therapist. Put it behind you.



tulips

> this is how I was before, I'd jump ship after only a few sessions and I never stuck with a therapist very long. Back then, it was all me. I just gave up. Didn't click. Or whatever.

That is significant.

> It's like....go back, get some closure? Or go back, risk getting abused? Or just go to the other one and just try and let it go....but I never just let stuff go!!! That's me.

And that is significant, too.

I also find that I really don't click at all well with the majority of clinicians that I've seen. And I guess I kinda got to thinking that it really must be something about me... Because they seemed to work okay with other people, but I would have trouble with them. And I guess I figured that it must be something bad about me... And that I was pushing them away or something.

It can be really very hard to know. Hard to know whether to trust ones intuition that things don't seem to be clicking so one should keep searching... Hard to know whether to put it down to my %#@&#! and commit to seeing that therapist to the best of my ability and trying to work through the feeling of disconnection.

I guess I think... That the truth lies somewhere in the middle... But where is the middle ground here?

If there are other therapists who you can see then I'd go see them. I'd contact this therapist who you have seen and tell him that you are looking around a little before you decide to commit to the person who you seem to get on with the most. I'd also ask him how come he felt it was important to ask such detailed questions. I'd tell him that you felt really very uncomfortable and wondered about how ethical it was of him to ask you those questions. I'd ask whether he noticed that you were uncomfortable and how come he didn't seem appropriately responsive to your level of discomfort.

And then... I'd see some other therapists and I'd tell them that you are looking to find who you click the best with. Assessments should be a two way enterprise. They assess your symptoms and think about whether they think they can work with you / help you. You assess them and think about whether you think you can work with them and whether you think they can help you. Two way street.

I'd try not to be attacking in the way you talk to him... It might be that he had no idea that you were feeling uncomfortable. Hard... But sometimes when we feel intense discomfort we manage to numb things such that the discomfort doesn't express on our face or with our body language. He might have had no idea...

Some people who engage in compulsive sexual behaviour are proud of their sexual prowess. Other people who engage in compulsive sexual behaviour are sexually seductive more generally and would have loved the opportunity to discuss how good they were in bed.

You seem to feel a lot of shame and guilt around the encounters... That is interesting... I think that gives you quite a good prognosis... But he might not have picked up on your feeling that way...

With respect to the 'risk of being abused' is it that you think you might end up seducing him... Or that he might end up seducing you and you will be powerless to stop him? Are you worried about an emotional seduction or about him physically overpowering you? I understand feeling vulnerable... I also understand feeling uncomfortable firstly seeing a male about this and secondly seeing him when there isn't anyone else in the office. It might be that you feel much more comfortable seeing a female and / or someone with a busyier office. Or it might be that there will be something that you really don't like about everyone you see. Only way to find out is to see a few different people, though. See if you feel that you click better with someone else... Or not...

I think part of it is that I'm second-guessing my own "gut" feelings about the guy. Maybe it was completely innocent and that's just what he's supposed to ask to figure out what's really wrong with me. Maybe it's my own fault for not standing up for myself and actually SPEAKING UP and telling him I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe it's my own stupid brain that always thinks sexually.

I have no problem telling total strangers on the 'net about my sex life...but when a qualified professional asks me, I think he's harassing me.

Heck, I had no problem cheating on my husband nearly a dozen times with men I barely even knew. But I have a problem telling the therapist about the specifics.

By the way....yes of course there is "shame and guilt"...hello I'm married. And even if I wasn't...I was raised with the notion that sex only happens in a married couple, anything else is wrong. So yeah there's guilt. And embarassment.

Anyway...I'm just talking to myself here. I'm going to the other therapist - the new one - in about an hour & a half. The one from last week hasn't even called me or emailed me yet after I missed yesterday's appointment. Not sure what that means. If he never calls back I guess I don't have to make up some lame excuse why I'm not coming back.

Heck, maybe this in itself is part of my problem - the whole "idelization / devaluation" thing - one minute I respect the guy and think he's a good therapist and he can help me. The next minute I think he's going to rape me. Huge extremes. Black and white. Good or bad. Nothing in the middle. Hmm....I'm starting to think I'm pretty dead-on on my self-diagnosis...just have to find a professional who can help me.

Ok, so...the state board won't tell me anything, they just gave me the forms to file a formal complaint. They won't really tell me if it was "okay" or not. I'm kinda stuck here.

I have the form all filled out and sitting in an envelope, just waiting for a stamp.

But should I really go that far? Report him? Was it really that bad???

Did I just overreact since it's a really sensitive subject?

I emailed that therapist last Friday to ask why he had to ask such detailed questions. I had an appointment with him on Monday, but I called and left a voicemail to cancel. I have not heard anything back yet. Not anything to reschedule, not a response to my question, nothing. Not even to see if I'm okay and maybe get me a referral...

I don't know. Should I just let this go, move on, get a new therapist? Or should I report it?

No one can tell you what you "should" do. At the end of the day, it's up to you. You have to feel comfortable with your decision. When you originally wrote this, your instinct was that he was inappropriate. Have you changed your mind about that? Trust yourself. The questions he asked (the detailed way you described them) seems out of line from an assessment point of view even.

Hi Razzleberry

As has been said already...no-one can tell you what you should do, it's your choice but...the questions this guy asked you, the way he made you feel...i don't see you could ever trust him enough to build up the kind of relationship you'd need to build with him for T to work. so on that alone...no, i wouldn't go back to him. as regards filing a complaint...so he has no other complaints against him if i understand correctly?...so maybe nobody else has felt strong enough before? i had a similar situation and once i complained...lotsa ppl came out the woodwork , so to speak, saying the same thing had happened to them. my point is...this man made you feel violated and afraid...maybe he's made others feel the same and it just takes one to speak up?

at the end of the day though...you have to do what is right for YOU.

good luck and do let us know how things go?

Razzleberry,

Now that you have the other therapist, how would you feel about telling him or her about what made you uncomfortable with the first one? The new therapist can help you decide what you need to do for closure, and also advise you on whether it is an ethical breach that needs to be reported. Even if there is nothing that a disciplinary board takes action on, it may be because you took care of yourself and got out of there before anything worse happened. Or maybe talking about it with someone will help you to understand your feelings better. Everything that you feel or react to in therapy can be used to help you heal. Even this. Sometimes therapy is supposed to make you feel anxious and uncomfortable, because that is what motivates change, so you need to understand the difference between an appropriate level of discomfort as opposed to a therapist being inappropriate.