advice/suggestions?

If you all remember I missed my session with T on tuesday because she's going away next week and it hurt too much to see her and say goodbye. we also had a session scheduled on thursday that i didn't plan on going to. i sent her an email on monday telling her this. On tuesday after i didn't show up, she called and left a voicemail expressing concern that i didn't show up. i don't think she saw the email then. she asked me to call her back sometime today. I didn't. i figured she'd get the email when she went in today and it would explain why i missed tues and why i'll miss thurs. Well, she called me again today and left a voicemail that said she was just trying to touch base with me about what happened, and she was wondering if i was coming on thurs. she said to call her and tell her if i'm not. also, she reminded me that she'll be on vacation next week so she hopes she'll see me this week. Obviously she did not read the email. So what should i do? If i really feel like i can't go on thursday, what should i call her and tell her? Although i really wanna see her, i can't even hear her voice without getting upset and i'd just rather wait until she gets back to see her again. Usually right after sessions is when i get really attached, so i'd rather not have to go through that this thursday before she leaves for a week. Do you think you could leave me suggestions on how to tell her this? should i call when i know she'll answer and explain it, or leave a message after hours? I'm just hurting so much i can't even think this through to do it right, so any help from you guys would help immensely.

PS-if she didn't read my email, she doesn't even know how bad i'm doing. i'd feel better if she knew.

thanks

(((((((((( krazibean )))))))))))

It sounds to me like you are in a lot of pain already. Please go to your appointment on Thursday, if you don't go you will just be shooting yourself in the foot and then won't be able to see your T for an even longer period. Go to the Thursday session and talk this through with T. Not talking this through with T will probably be even more painful because you'll know you really had the opportunity to go see her before she left. Go do it!

thanks pegasus.

haha so i guess i didn't need much advice to figure out what i was going to do. I called her. I left her a message apologizing and explaining that i'm not doing well. I also told her i didn't think i'd be able to make it thursday because it would only make me feel worse. (because then she's leaving and it will cause me to miss her more) I didn't say that part though. so we'll see maybe she'll call me back, maybe not.

thanks for the support through this though

i'm glad you called her.
anoher thing to consider is that you might be charged for the times you didn't go since she didn't know about them.
just fyi.
but she may or not be able to call - may be busy or on call or something.
i am sure i will be going to mine next week, even tho she will be gone after that... i'll do like aways and pretend everything's fine in person and then cry at home.
hope you can come to some conclusion.
kiya

she's pretty relaxed about the times i've missed apts. she didn't even charge me when i skipped because i was "mad" at her. i think this is a little different too because i'm not going anywhere, T included.

I always do that too, pretend everythings fine in person (or not realize its not fine) and then cry at home. then i call her in tears in the middle of the night and leave messages. then i go back in and we talk about it and i pretend its all ok, and the cycle continues, haha.

i'm glad your able to go to your t next week kiya. i don't feel strong enough.

i guess i'm hoping she calls but i'm not sure what i want her to say. i don't know, i can't wait until next week when she's home again and things can resume.

Maybe too late here, but I was going to say maybe call and just leave a quick voicemail saying "hey, I sent you a couple emails, did you get them? If not let me know and I'll send them again" and just leave it at that. Who knows...maybe they got stuck by the spam filter.

You know yourself and what you can handle so feel good about making this decision and pick up when she gets back.

You are much braver than me. I think about doing what you did but I know I'll suffer too much as a result. It won't affect him at all.

She may have gotten your emails you never know. Sounds like a good T to me

((Krazibean))

I know how hard it is when T goes away. Believe me when I tell you that many of us are in the same boat as you and you are not alone.

But not facing her doesn't change the fact that she is going away. Can you possibly go and give yourself the gift of the two of you together? Or, can you call her and request a phone appointment? Then you don't have to face her, but you can let her know what you are feeling. She might be able to help you manage those feelings.

My T is going away the week after next. I know I will be very anxious while he is gone and even worse will be the reconnection when he comes back.

So, hang in there and allow yourself to call her. Maybe you can feel good for a little bit.

Peace

she never called back. so basically she calls to see where i was for our session, and then when i tell her it was because i'm not doing well she stops trying to get in touch with me and then leaves for vacation. true, i had the chance to see her during the week.

but am i wrong to be a little upset?

I'm really sorry Krazibean. That is the worst feeling, when you make an effort to reach out and you don't get the response you need. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I know I would feel the same way. Hang in there!

Totally OT, and not sure it would help, but sometimes when I don't want to think about things (like a break in therapy) I like to get lost in books or movies instead. I'm reading White Oleander right now, about a girl trying to find her own voice in the shadow of a very intense mom, and it's pretty engaging so far.

hmmmm... I can see both sides of the equation here... don't be upset with me, but you may not like my answer...

i think that (from experience) it is up to us to take measures to to care for ourselves. I know i often put myself in a situation where i want to be cared for, but won't let anyone near me. S0 they stop trying. T can't run after you - she's got a lot on her plate. She did check in on you and yo said you wouldn't be there =( so really there is no more she can do. She probably finally read your email...

You can certainly be upset (i would too) but know that it is your choice and you and she both acted from where you are each at and did what you each think is best. Try to find in you where you can care for yourself and see that you have to meet her half way?

I do know how much pain this causes - really, i've done it to myself more times than i can count. Only you can get yourself to her. =( But now what is done is done... see if you can "hold on to her" for the week and be ready to move forward when she returns.

((((((((sincere hugs)))))))))) kiya

I so understand the utter pain in wanting to go so much but also knowing it will hurt so much to go. I sorta agree with what Kiya says, and also perhaps, the next time T is due to go on vacation you will have a memory of this and that will empower you to go to those last sessions before a break, knowing how you felt this time not having gone....perhaps on one level you were testing yourself to see just how much it would hurt if you didnt go? In a way you had courage to do that, because i've so wanted to do that but to scared because I knew I'd feel exactly like how your feeling now..almost like, better the devil you know, the the devil you don't kind of thing, meaning, I'm damned if I dont and damned if I do, but hoping that T will give me something to hold onto apart from my lingering pain I exprience before a break...

yeah - exactly - i've wanted to not go because i totally know it's just me being fake because i can't deal with the pain. but to not go ... i just couldn't do it. i'm not strong enough. and then i'd also blame myself for missing out. because sometimes faking it is better than longer separation.
=( hugs

I understand your pain, but as I have learned in therapy... there comes a time in which we can keep pushing our Ts away, that they are not going to chase us down. As patients, we do have to learn to be accountable for what we convey to our Ts-- they are not mind readers. So if we say, "I don't want to go to either of these sessions"-- the message that that sends is, "I don't want to be with you right now. I'm keeping you at a distance." Believe me, I used to do this all the time. In my voicemail, I was saying, "Don't bother calling me back" but in my head I was screaming, "I'm so much %#@&#! pain, you better call me back!!" That was all I knew how to do. Now I have learned to call and say, "I need you so bad and it hurts so much, call me back." It is a process. It sounds like by not going to your session you were avoiding the hurt by saying, "I'm going to leave first. That way you aren't really leaving me." Your T showed concern by contacting you and wanting you to come to the appointments. There are many times when I have not wanted to go to T to prove something or to ditch him before he ditched me, but I always showed up... because like MissCharlotte said, the result is the same... if they are gonna go on vacation, they're gonna go. Take care of yourself.

Krazibean,

I agree with what pinksoil said also but just want to add one thing. Your feelings are your feelings. They are okay. It is okay to have feelings both positive and negative about T. Being disappointed or angry or a little hurt are all valid feelings. Discussing them with T made lead to a greater understanding of yourself.

Feel better.

Peace