[Mouse_]

one more week to go, and I was doing ok, today I feel the life is being drained out of me and any reason for living is far, far away...I know this must be an "ego state" because in reality I have my family right here, I mean right here, one of my daughters is sitting in the next chair eating chocolate biscuits and watching TV, unyet I feel detached from this, I feel isloated and alone and very down. I'm almost tempted to email T and just say hi, but I dont feel I should do this whilst shes on vacation. I thought perhaps I should email all up-beat and say hi, hope your enjoying your vacation, but I dont feel like that, I need her, the "HER" thats in the room with me, not the woman on holiday...what do I do?

{{{{{{Krazibean}}}}}}

I'm sorry you didn't connect with T before she left. She was probably busy trying to get out of town, but I know that doesn't help you right now. I hope you're able to reconnect with her right when she returns and feel better.

{{{{{{Mouse}}}}}}

That is JUST how I felt in the middle of T's vacation. It felt SO long since I had seen him, and SO long until our next appointment. I felt like I was in the abyss - I had a couple of really dark, weepy days. Posting here helped, and I used some of my real life coping mechanisms - having lots of my kids friends over to fill the house up with people and distract me, talking to dh and friends, etc. It wasn't the same as T - not at all - but it kept me distracted from those dark feelings and made the time pass.

Good luck to both of you. Keep posting here so we can support you!

An update on me and my T's vacation...

He came back

We had our first post-vacation appointment this afternoon. This was our first separation after starting therapy 5 months ago. I kept asking him "Does this feel weird to you??" and he was like "noooo...." lol

He did say he wondered before I came what it would feel like - if the energy between us would be the same - but he said he felt like it was. I was happy to be there, but it felt kind of surreal and I felt kind of disconnected from him, which is what I was afraid of.

We talked about that feeling, and he was so reassuring. He said he was happy to be with me again, and that he values me and our relationship. We had our usual discussion about whether or not our relationship is "real" (this is a big issue for me) and he said it IS real - his feelings for me are real, and the things that happen between us are real. I could feel something opening in me - a vulnerable place that I had closed off while he was gone. By the end of the appointment, I think I did feel reconnected - in that new and kind of painful way that I feel attached to him.

So....hang in there everyone who is missing their T. They'll be back, and it will be okay.

Thanks to everyone for supporting me while he was gone. It helped a LOT.

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
I need her, the "HER" thats in the room with me, not the woman on holiday...what do I do?

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=( EMAIL HER!!! Go on! SHe told you you could - she's probably wondering right now how you're doing and where is your email!?! My old t used to actually tell me that when she got back.

It's ok, mouse, email her!!!

[Kiya]

Earthmama - YAY! you made it =) Glad to hear things are good there.

Likewise I saw my MD today (after 2 months, when I usually see her every month). I hadn't even called in weekly updates in a month. So today she put me on Lexapro and said "You have a job - to call me every week and tell me how you're doing on the Lexapro." The connection was there just like it had always been there... and then starts to fade as soon as i walk out of the office. But she said to me "You have people who care about you!!! I for one, your PsyD, for 2." It's a sadly short list, but I was glad to hear her voice include herself and my t... t will be gone next week for 11 days. MD wants me to possibly hook up with another T specifically for DID/MPD since my poor t is so clueless on how to help me.

[MissCharlotte]

Earthmama,

Woooo Hooooo !!!

Yay! T is back. And he sounds wonderful, and supportive and sensiive!

Peace

[krazibean]

i drove by T's office today and looked at her window as i drove by. I imagined her saying, "My job is to make sure you're okay out THERE" pointing to the road i was driving on.

You know what? I reallly miss her.

I've been eating a lot lately and i feel like i've gained a little weight. i don't know how many of you would understand this but.... i don't want to see her if i'm any fatter. i feel like since eating is something we talk about that she looks to see if i've lost or gained everytime she sees me. and since it will have been 2 weeks next time i see her it will be kinda obvious. i don't know why that bothers me so much.

Anyway, i miss her a lot.

[Mouse_]

Didn't email T....done some journaling last night because I forgot thats one of the things that gets the wheels turnign nicely, and mananged to let that part of me go back into its place and not be the dominant part that is running the show...today I feel better then yesterday...better able to tolerate the feelings off life not always feeling honkey dorey and forgot that no one promised it would always feel honkey dorey...that part of me that was up front was not settling for anything less then perfection to hide its fears of not getting enought...

[Perna]

The biggest thing that ever helped me was my T teaching me that feelings constantly change and you can stand one until the next shows up. I already knew I could "wait" really good so learning and then experiencing that things would in fact change make it much easier when I was totally done-in. I could go into deliberate wait mode and that would give me enough "hope" to move me forward.

[Mouse_]

perna, Can you explain your post a bit more, I can't quite get what your saying, thanks.

[Kiya]

Krazy bean - how are things? Is t back yet? I get such a clear visual of your t pointing to the road and saying that... reminds me of my old t. also reminds me sitting in the grocery store across the street from my current clinic and looking at the parking lot, not seeing t's car... made me feel so far away (and that was just her normal day off, but i had forgotten). What you wrote creates a tenderness....
update?

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krazibean said:
i drove by T's office today and looked at her window as i drove by. I imagined her saying, "My job is to make sure you're okay out THERE" pointing to the road i was driving on.

You know what? I reallly miss her.

I've been eating a lot lately and i feel like i've gained a little weight. i don't know how many of you would understand this but.... i don't want to see her if i'm any fatter. i feel like since eating is something we talk about that she looks to see if i've lost or gained everytime she sees me. and since it will have been 2 weeks next time i see her it will be kinda obvious. i don't know why that bothers me so much.

Anyway, i miss her a lot.

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[krazibean]

Kiya, it means a lot to me that you were thinking about me and wondering how i'm doing. Thank you for caring (((Kiya)))

The update is T is still not back yet. I still have not contacted her about an apt for when she returns. I want to wait a day or 2 after she gets back to see if she will do that herself after reading the email i sent right before she left. (saying i was upset she was leaving without making an apt, and that i wished to speak with her before she left)

But what i did do was email her. (not that she will see it til she gets back anyway, but i just felt like making a connection.) I wrote her a poem. I'll share it.

In case someone cares
I'm feeling hurt and alone
There’s no magic cure
To heal a broken bone
In case someone cares
I cry myself to sleep
While embracing a frame of Jesus
For something close to keep
In case someone cares
I hurt deep down inside
I just wish to stay here
With you by my side
In case someone cares
I lost my best friend
And not just once or twice
I wish this would end
In case someone cares
I often try too hard
I’m just a pile of fat
Nothing more than some lard.
In case someone cares
Ive lost the ones that I love
It’s hard to stay positive
But I find strength from above
In case someone cares
I blame myself a lot
Hatred has been the demon
that I’ve often fought
In case someone cares
I hate how life has turned out
Every now and then
I feel the need to scream and shout
In case someone cares
I am empty and depressed
I have some deep feelings
That I often suppress
I don’t know if you are,
But I’m hoping you’re there.
I just thought I’d mention it,
In case someone cares.

I still miss her. 3 more days.

[krazibean]

struggling tonight. i was triggered because a friend was telling me about her therapy session today and how she cried harder than she ever did and her T had tears in her eyes. I want that. I miss T. Im miserable

[(JD)]

It's so, SO hard when T is gone.

Can you journal, talk to a friend, keep talking to us?

Three more days. You can do this.

[Kiya]

Krazybean - sorry you're so miserable! Keep breathing! Think on your box and what lovely things might be in it for you =) day dream your t handing each thing to you and explaining why it is included.

[Kiya]

Sigh - at this point i am numb. it really hasn't yet sunk in that i won't be seeing her wed. but it might this weekend - the weekends are so flippin hard. *and i'm starting to get some mini flashbacks*. why do they always creep up when t leaves?!

[Kiya]

Hmmmm well, i seem to be writing to myself.... so... self, how are things?
Ok, ok you know....
Have you heard from t?
Nope *sigh*. But the weekend has been ok. I think due mainly to the meds i swore i'd never take.
Heh - funny how that can happen.
Yeah - i seem to have broken all my rules - all the things I swore i'd never do... And you know what? it's ok. none of it is as bad or scary as i thought it would be.
Hey - that's great, self!! See, you did it!
*sheepish grin*... heh i guess i did.
So - self, when does t get back?
mmmmmmmmmmm.... not soon enough.
Oh - self, it's ok - you'll get through.

Anyone else want to get on this bandwagon?

[sunrise]

I'm enjoying listening in on your dialogue, Kiya! Sounds like you're surviving--glad to hear your weekend was OK!

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are missing your t. It does sound like you have come to accept some parts of your healing though. I hope this week is a litle easier for you until your t comes back. PM me anytime.

BB