[Kiya]

Krazy bean - how are things? Is t back yet? I get such a clear visual of your t pointing to the road and saying that... reminds me of my old t. also reminds me sitting in the grocery store across the street from my current clinic and looking at the parking lot, not seeing t's car... made me feel so far away (and that was just her normal day off, but i had forgotten). What you wrote creates a tenderness....
update?

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krazibean said:
i drove by T's office today and looked at her window as i drove by. I imagined her saying, "My job is to make sure you're okay out THERE" pointing to the road i was driving on.

You know what? I reallly miss her.

I've been eating a lot lately and i feel like i've gained a little weight. i don't know how many of you would understand this but.... i don't want to see her if i'm any fatter. i feel like since eating is something we talk about that she looks to see if i've lost or gained everytime she sees me. and since it will have been 2 weeks next time i see her it will be kinda obvious. i don't know why that bothers me so much.

Anyway, i miss her a lot.

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[krazibean]

Kiya, it means a lot to me that you were thinking about me and wondering how i'm doing. Thank you for caring (((Kiya)))

The update is T is still not back yet. I still have not contacted her about an apt for when she returns. I want to wait a day or 2 after she gets back to see if she will do that herself after reading the email i sent right before she left. (saying i was upset she was leaving without making an apt, and that i wished to speak with her before she left)

But what i did do was email her. (not that she will see it til she gets back anyway, but i just felt like making a connection.) I wrote her a poem. I'll share it.

In case someone cares
I'm feeling hurt and alone
There’s no magic cure
To heal a broken bone
In case someone cares
I cry myself to sleep
While embracing a frame of Jesus
For something close to keep
In case someone cares
I hurt deep down inside
I just wish to stay here
With you by my side
In case someone cares
I lost my best friend
And not just once or twice
I wish this would end
In case someone cares
I often try too hard
I’m just a pile of fat
Nothing more than some lard.
In case someone cares
Ive lost the ones that I love
It’s hard to stay positive
But I find strength from above
In case someone cares
I blame myself a lot
Hatred has been the demon
that I’ve often fought
In case someone cares
I hate how life has turned out
Every now and then
I feel the need to scream and shout
In case someone cares
I am empty and depressed
I have some deep feelings
That I often suppress
I don’t know if you are,
But I’m hoping you’re there.
I just thought I’d mention it,
In case someone cares.

I still miss her. 3 more days.

[krazibean]

struggling tonight. i was triggered because a friend was telling me about her therapy session today and how she cried harder than she ever did and her T had tears in her eyes. I want that. I miss T. Im miserable

[(JD)]

It's so, SO hard when T is gone.

Can you journal, talk to a friend, keep talking to us?

Three more days. You can do this.

[Kiya]

Krazybean - sorry you're so miserable! Keep breathing! Think on your box and what lovely things might be in it for you =) day dream your t handing each thing to you and explaining why it is included.

[Kiya]

Sigh - at this point i am numb. it really hasn't yet sunk in that i won't be seeing her wed. but it might this weekend - the weekends are so flippin hard. *and i'm starting to get some mini flashbacks*. why do they always creep up when t leaves?!

[Kiya]

Hmmmm well, i seem to be writing to myself.... so... self, how are things?
Ok, ok you know....
Have you heard from t?
Nope *sigh*. But the weekend has been ok. I think due mainly to the meds i swore i'd never take.
Heh - funny how that can happen.
Yeah - i seem to have broken all my rules - all the things I swore i'd never do... And you know what? it's ok. none of it is as bad or scary as i thought it would be.
Hey - that's great, self!! See, you did it!
*sheepish grin*... heh i guess i did.
So - self, when does t get back?
mmmmmmmmmmm.... not soon enough.
Oh - self, it's ok - you'll get through.

Anyone else want to get on this bandwagon?

[sunrise]

I'm enjoying listening in on your dialogue, Kiya! Sounds like you're surviving--glad to hear your weekend was OK!

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are missing your t. It does sound like you have come to accept some parts of your healing though. I hope this week is a litle easier for you until your t comes back. PM me anytime.

BB

[MissCharlotte]

Okay gals I'll chime in here. Since T is away I'll try the Kiya method of conversation.

I made an appointment with the new pdoc.
Oh good when?
This morning.
How do you feel about that?
I'm not sure. I really like the old pdoc.
But another opinion can't hurt right?
Right

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU T?

GOOD LUCK ALL. I'M OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD.

Peace

[krazibean]

(((kiya))) you will get through this i know you will! My T is back now (i only know that because she told me awhile ago) still havent heard from her though. tomorrow is our usual day.... to call or not to call

Hi Kiya

It's Monday....you made it through the weekend!! How are you today??

Good luck with the new pdoc today, Miss Charlotte. I hope it goes really well!

[Kiya]

*still smiling*... i read everyone's posts and it gave me something to grin about... will write more later... have an interview to go to!!!!

I NEED THIS JOB!!!!! =) kiya

[krazibean]

So I didn't even need to make a decision of whether or not to call T. She called me!!! She wanted to see if i wanted to see her this week. Of course. Because she called me to make an apt this week after she got back, i can't even be mad at her anymore about her leaving without calling me/answering my email, ect. But it is all something that needed to be worked through. How do i work through somethig that i've become okay with? except, though, if she hadnt called and i had to be the one to make the move again, i would still be mad. what do you think?

I hope everyone is getting through the first day of the week ok. one down! T's will all be back shortly, promise.

[Kiya]

Heh - didn't you tell her a lot of that when she left? She'll probably bring it up =) but just face it - like you said, it does need to be gone through. there's always learning in the rough patches.

only monday. allllllllllllllllll this week i must wait, and half of next week. t's office just called me to tell me i was booked for wed and that t is out of town.... salt=wound.
but i did as t asked me to and went to yoga today at the clinic. i even walked around the bldg to see t's dark window and hideous curtain =)

[Kiya]

Miss- have you talked to you t yet about the appointment today? I know t's on vaca. but did you email or call?

[Kiya]

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bipolar_bear said:
((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are missing your t. It does sound like you have come to accept some parts of your healing though. I hope this week is a litle easier for you until your t comes back. PM me anytime.

BB

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Thanks - back! things are ok... i've held the crystal in my palm a minute each day and thought about it... ask me wed when i don't have my apnt =( i don't know if she'll call or not... she had briefly mentioned it, but then we didn't set up anything.... dunno! I think my md quickly put my depression, anxiety, and SIing together along with the news that t would be gone and BOOM = this gal needs meds. like t said, "Md's a good thinker"... i really think I'd be worse off if this weren't going on my second week of them. i had never wanted to rely on meds before, but i have to admit, they're doing their job.

[Kiya]

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earthmama said:
Hi Kiya

It's Monday....you made it through the weekend!! How are you today??



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Not too bad, thanks.... yes, i did make it through the weekend... i think i get a gold star... or maybe a gold ribbon - there i gave myself one. this is the first weekend in ages that i have not called t (or needed to call). Also, i went to yoga like t asked me to at the clinic.... mind you, now i can hardly move... but i went!

[MissCharlotte]

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Miss- have you talked to you t yet about the appointment today?

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I am really missing him so much right now. This pdoc appt. threw me and I wish it didn't. Just woke up from a dream of being lost in a city.
I left him a message about the experience but I don't expect him to call back, as I didnt' ask him to. I have to be specific on my phone messages. We don't have an email relationship.

I just keep hearing him at our last session last week saying "this is serious." And now, I feel lost. H is away. T is away.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((miss)))))))))))))))) hang in there.

I haven't heard from t either - she said we would email and she would probably call so i know the connection is there... but i am starting to doubt. I've sent several, with no response =( my normal appnt would be tomorrow. *cries*

[MissCharlotte]

((((((((KIya))))))))

We're here together in the "space" between. Aww, don't cry, she is there and she is reading your e-mails.

[Kiya]

yes - i don't like this "space" between.

i hope she is reading them - though methinks if she were, she'd respond =( she said she'd write back... but maybe she couldn't figure out how to do it away from the server. hoping she'll call tonight.

gah...i just got a call from my md's office and still they are not scheduling me - i really liked being in there every month-6 weeks and this 2 month business sucks. she's really suppotive and now there are tears escaping over thinking again i have to go 2 months like last time. sucks. i should just call and schedule, i spose... i seem to not speak up when i should...

[krazibean]

i hope everyone is doing okay, sorry i haven't been very supportive this week. my T is back but i'm feeling worse than when she was gone.

Kiya- your halfway there!