Dependency Phobias

The dependency article that Alexandra_K shared in the Relying on Therapist thread a while back has been kicking round in my head. BTW, Alex, I’ve noticed that you’ve dropped into anonymity; I hope you are OK and still willing to share your insights.

Dependency Article

I’m having trouble really comprehending this article. I think mainly because it is intended for therapist not patients to understand. I don’t believe I have PTSD or a dissociative disorder. However I think I share some tendencies common in people who suffer these conditions.

Both in therapy and in my personal life I continually struggle with the idea of dependency. When reading this article, I couldn’t help trying to place myself in on of the categories listed. I know that this is not the intent of the article and therefore using this way is not appropriate. I'm doing it anyway

I perceive myself (whether correctly or incorrectly) as having a dependency phobia. I have most of the counter-dependency characteristics described in Table 1. I think my disgust for dependency not only inhibits my therapy but also prevents the type of intimacy my inner ego state seems to crave. I think it is definitely creating a lot of conflict in my marriage. My husband at this moment in time is showing a little bit too much dependency and coupled with my excessive independency, I am really struggling to cope.

I know others have mentioned that they also struggle with the fear of being dependent their therapist. For me, my therapist is not my biggest concern. It is what this dependency phobia is doing to me and my real relationships that bothers…Today that is!

Has anyone else been thinking about this article that alex_K shared?

I really liked that article too! Thanks to the person who originally posted it.

I also had some confusion with the technical terminology. Specifically, I didn't really understand the EP and ANP thing -- whether they were saying everyone has those, or is that some disorder?

But I did like that it was written for practitioners, helps me to understand why T's doing certain things sometimes.

Oh that looks really interesting but its to much reading for me. . I dont fear dependency as such, I fear rejection,

Oh no, clients reading the Manual!! Run! :P

The problem with self-diagnosis is you usually have an idea of where you fit already and can make your symptoms fit whatever diagnosis you like.

That's why therapists don't diagnose themselves or their friends. It needs to stay impartial.

I did not have time to read the entire article (I will). I believe the "Normal Personality" is the one that allows someone with PTSD or DID to "fit together" whereas the emotional personality makes less sense but holds a strong meaning as a defensive mechanism.

So if I was hypnotyzing someone with DID I would want to explore their emotional personality with them in the context of the normal personality.

The normal personality will be able to act as a guide, but not master, to the other personalities.

Hi McKell,

I haven't read it but will try to get to it over the weekend.

In general for me, I try to focus on how to feel better and what makes me feel and function better rather than look at and define what is wrong with me.

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me and my real relationships

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Do you view your relationship as a real relationship? If not, then that is probably why you don't depend on T.

Peace

McKell, I haven't read the whole article but I read a few bits. I found Table 1 really enlightening. In general, I am in that "counter dependency" column. Yep, yep, yep. But I see that through therapy, I have more and more moved over to the secure dependency column. Through working with T, I have actually changed! That is very exciting to me and seems really positive. I think I'm still at heart a counter-dependent, but it is very empowering to think that here I am in my 40s and I am learning to have relationships better and be (sometimes) securely dependent. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Ha, ha, I can just picture T during his first meeting with me, classifying me immediately as counterdependent. How obvious, I guess I was fooling no one being my "apparently normal person" (love that phrase, it fits me so well). But I cried in our first session too and in went T, with his powerful ability to form relationships and did just that. Therapy continues to amaze me. I am sure T saw right off how healing it would be for me to have a securely dependent relationship with him... Sometime I must tell him how other relationships in my life have improved because of our therapy even though we didn't directly work on them, just because I know how to "do" a relationship better now. Like with my mom, my sisters, my daughters, my friends. I think T would feel good if he knew that about me.

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mckell13 said:
It is what this dependency phobia is doing to me and my real relationships that bothers

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Interesting, so you don't consider your relationship with your T to be real? What would it take for that relationship to be real to you?

McKell, I'm going to read more in that article later--very thought provoking. I do like the EP and ANP designations.

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Mouse_ said:
I dont fear dependency as such, I fear rejection,

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I don't think I fear rejection. I frequently wonder if I am eventually going to be given the boot from therapy, but I don' t think this is really a fear of rejection. This is just me being worried that I am not engaging properly or that my T is going to eventually get sick of listening to me.

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PsyChris said:
Oh no, clients reading the Manual!! Run! :P

The problem with self-diagnosis is you usually have an idea of where you fit already and can make your symptoms fit whatever diagnosis you like.

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I appreciate this comment and know I shouldn't be putting myself into categories. This is also why in my own therapy, I have avoided asking what my actual diagnosis is. Not knowing allows me to randomly flip among pathologies.:-)

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So if I was hypnotyzing someone with DID I would want to explore their emotional personality with them in the context of the normal personality.

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So are you a hypnotherapist? Can you actually hypnotize a patient who aligns in predominantly the counter-dependency column? This seems like it would be hard to do.

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Miss Charlotte said:
Do you view your relationship as a real relationship? If not, then that is probably why you don't depend on T

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Sunrise said:
Interesting, so you don't consider your relationship with your T to be real? What would it take for that relationship to be real to you?

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I'm not sure why I wrote that comment in that way. I do think my relationship with my therapist is real. I think she is genuine and open with me. I think she cares, and is providing quality care. I don't know... I guess I see it as a professional interaction not a personal one, even though a lot of what is discussed is personal. I think the only way I can talk about stuff is to see it this way. It is more like a problem-solving/brainstorming session than an opportunity to share my inner self with someone... I don't know it is just different. Its not that I don't trust her, because she has demonstrated to me that she is trustworthy. I simply can't seem to bring the inner me to therapy for a real synchronous exchange. Maybe that's OK.

What I meant in my statement was that some people seem to focus on being overly dependent on or attached to their therapists. I worry about this too, however today I'm more concerned about how my avoiding dependency/ attachment is affecting my other relationships. I'd like to figure out how to be more tolerant of interdependency and allow myself to become more attached to friends/family. One thing I am kicking around in my head is the possibility that I am emotionally disconnecting from my H because as his health is declining, I'm anticipating what is coming, and and am preparing for it.

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Sunrise said:
Ha, ha, I can just picture T during his first meeting with me, classifying me immediately as counterdependent. How obvious, I guess I was fooling no one being my "apparently normal person"

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This statement made me laugh. As I look back on what I was like last summer when I started therapy, I think my T also had me pegged after the first session too. I've made a lot of progress in some areas too. I just feel like time is running out.

um mckell.... i gotta ask

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This is just me being worried that I am not engaging properly or that my T is going to eventually get sick of listening to me.

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if THAT isn't rejection, what all do you think rejection is? hmmmmmmm?

lol- Fluff, that's what i was thinking.

Damn, I keep dig'n myself a deeper whole here. LOL!

What I meant was... I worry about her telling me, that I am not doing my part, and therefore therapy has reached the point of diminished return. I don't really see this as her rejecting me, she would simply be acknowledging that I am not engaging. Or maybe that I am rejecting her help. Secondly, I worry about this but, intellectually I know I am in control of when therapy ends. She is not going to tell me straight out that I shouldn't come anymore. Therefore this is not a real FEAR on my part, just a worry.

Is this really what others define as a fear of rejection? I guess I just envision rejection in terms of being deliberately pushed away due to some physical or mental flaw.

..I don't know....maybe I do fear rejection.... I have always been determined to be a low maintenance patient. I don't allow myself to call between sessions, ask for additional appointments, and remain aware of the time during a session. I also limited myself to no more than 1 written communication between sessions, which I have since discontinued all together now. Maybe fear of rejection is behind these actions. Then again maybe I am just reminding myself that I'm the one who needs to take care of me.

Did I just jump back in the whole, again? :-)