Little girl fantasy-- an email I sent to T

Hi _____. As the day and night progress, I have found it more and more difficult to be alone. I'm in a very restless depression again. I had this fantasy, which I will tell you about only because I'm going into the hospital and things can't get much worse.

I started thinking about our session today, when I asked you if your dog was happy. You said that he was happy enough that he didn't want to come in from outside. I began to think about you calling Twain into the house, with him happily running around, refusing to come in, doing whatever it is that dogs do. Suddenly, it wasn't Twain anymore, but it was me as a little girl, about four or five years old. I am playing in your yard, rolling around in the grass, wearing a frilly white dress. (I never wore anything like this as a little girl). It was the classic, "perfect" little girl dress. I had little white socks on and shiny black Mary Jane shoes. In the fantasy, my clothes do not get dirty. You call open the door and call me in. I giggle and shriek and continue playing a little bit more and then I run into your arms. You pick me up and hold me, then place me down at the kitchen table. You stay with me. The house looks exactly like the house I grew up in, with a few things missing-- there is no television at the kitchen table. My dress is in perfect condition.

I must have conjured this up in an effort to create perfect memory that never existed. This is the first time that I ever fantasized about myself being a little girl with you. I mean, I think about that part of my inner selff with you because in reality, that part has been with you.... but I never saw myself as a child with you. It is a most beautiful fantasy, comforting and safe, but sad at the same time.... sad because of its very existence. Remember how I told you today, that I wished my mother taught me a special recipe? God, I remember how I would beg her in the store to buy the chocolate chip cookie mix. Making the cookies from scratch was out of the question, so I would beg her to buy the mix. Most of the time she would say no because it was too much of a bother-- but occasionally she would say yes and I would get ridiculously excited to mix the batter with her and drop the cookie dough on the cookies sheets. I told you today how I never realized that I could look for a mother figure in a man. I never realized that I look for this within you... and in many ways I have found it-- when you hold my hand as I cry, when you love and accept the little girl while everyone else just hates her and wants her to grow up, and when you "hold" me even though I know that you can't. Perhaps the above are some of the reasons as to why the fantasy comes up tonight. Also because in session I told you how I was afraid to sleep over places when I was younger-- and also my desire to throw everything in the office at you-- I think that all comes down to the fact that A) you were supposed to "fix" everything so that I wouldn't have to go to the hospital and B) since I am going, you are supposed to come with me... but you can't. In my fantasy, everything is perfect. I don't have to be afraid to sleep over somewhere or go anywhere without you because you are there. Even when I was in the backyard and you were inside the house, you were there and I was happy. Everything was pure and beautiful. I was able to roll around in my white dress and not even mess it up. There were no marks on me. I was flawless.

Attached are the two drawings I showed you today. You should expect more emails in these last two days leading up to the hospital. I need to connect with you like this. Thank you for letting me.

Love, Robyn

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<font color="green">Dear Pink,
I have been having fantasies like this about my therapist. I am allowed to be a child and play, I get hurt and she just takes care of it and sends me along to have more fun.

For me, it works on two levels - I feel the mothering I missed and I am learning to love the little girl inside through my therapist. Until now I had believed that the little girl was only as good as what she could do or be used for. Personally, I found her whiney and nasty. Now I can see her as a child, capable of love and deserving to be loved... I am not sure I love her... but I believe my therapist does. So I am using that to learn to care for her too.

safe hugs to another sweet little girl.</font>

What a wonderful fantasy to hold on to. You know you (you at your current age and you as the little girl) are safe with your T. You are always in his heart, and he can "hold you" as much as you need him to.
Hold to him closely during this rough time.

(((((((Pink))))))

Yes. Your little girl is safe with T and with you.

Your grownup self is taking steps to protect all of you with T's help.
Hold onto this fantasy. There is so much feeling attached to it. It is most precious and feels like an icon of love.

It was nice to allow myself to have this fantasy-- because I was allowing the little girl to be taken care of, loved, validated, and accepted. This is not something I often do. No matter what T says, I tell him that I hate her and that I wish she would just go away. I think it is time to start treating her nicely because she probably deserves it.

i'm sure she does deserve it

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