Okay, I'm still angry with my T for being angry at me TWO MONTHS AGO!!!! Yes, I realize the irony that I am angry at him for being angry at me. I frequently think about it and am totally "stuck". I have OCD and this is how it manifests itself in me. I have spent two months trying to get my T to say something to the effect of, "Sol, if I had know how much pain and agony this would have caused you I NEVER would have told you." Or even better, "Sol, if I had analyzed your behavior to get to the root of the problem instead of taking it personally, I wouldn't have gotten angry." Okay, so the last one I'm really not expecting.

So, my T is consulting with another woman T. He told me a few sessions ago that she told him that he was a fool basically for letting me manipulate him into continuing a conversation about something that happened two months ago (it wasn't said exactly that way, but that is the meaning I took from it). I'm so glad that he has a partner to back him up. Does he not have enough power as it is already?

Meditation? Done that.
Discussion with T? Done that.
Finding something to distract my mind? Been there.
Medication? On that.
Frustration? Absolutely.

My obsession is not wanting T (or generally anyone else) to be angry with me. My compulsion is to try to get him to recant. So, unlike others with OCD who have their compulsions under their control, in order to fulfill mine, I have to have someone else be compliant. I had ONE DAY in which I was totally relieved of anxiety, which was last session.

Unfortunately, then I also figured out that another obsession of mine is to get him to care about me like I care about him. So, before the anger episode, I kept trying to get him to say that he really cared but he wouldn't. I think that day that I cut myself in his bathroom was the result of a compulsion not being fulfilled, and the resultant extreme spike in anxiety. So, this is the reason why I'm angry again. I wish that for one day he could feel the anxiety that I feel and that I felt that day. I wish he could feel the devastation. All I want is for him to tell me that if he could do it all over again he wouldn't.

I realize I have to take responsibility. Okay, fine. My OCD on this one is killing me. Interventions that work for others are not going to work on this one because of this factor.

I just needed to vent. I'm over it. I'm sick of it. I want to be detached. I'm just waiting to cross the finish line on this marathon. T won't even give me a bottle of water from the sidelines.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

((Sol))

I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

So, if he gets to consult with another T , do you get to consult with another client? Can you bring him some of our opionions and ask him to listen?

Tell him we said to lighten up and that this is not kindergarten. He doesn't have to call in the principal, you and he can work it out together by understanding one another's needs and respecting them.

Lots of safe hugs!

Peace

((((((((((((((((((((Soliaree)))))))))))))))))))))

Sending lots of