A Shade of Gray

I was talking to T about how depressing it is to know our relationship is going to end one day. I told him that I was dreading going through the separation, that no matter how gradual it was going to be, that I would feel the excruciating, intense emotions each time I sensed that he was "pushing me out of the nest."

He basically accused me of black and white thinking (LOL), and said, "Why does it HAVE to end that way, why does it HAVE to be excruciating?"

I told him that I could not fathom going through this without it causing me massive pain. I told him he just didn't understand, that all I could see in the future was him being ripped away from me slowly.

Then he said (something like), "What if you start working on building up yourself, making yourself whole, while I'm still here in the same capacity? What if we keep seeing each other the same amount of time while you do this?"

I had been thinking that the goal to my being whole was only going to be achieved by him pushing me away so I could be independent. I never imagined that I could work on myself and keep being needy and dependent at the same time, LOL. I didn't see that shade of gray coming. I guess as I continue to build myself up that I will feel less needy and that I will need him less (That was painful to type - I still can't fathom this). So, maybe I don't have to experience internal widespread panic each session worrying about him pushing me each time. However, I have chained, tied, and cemented myself to the nest as a preventative measure. Old habits are hard to break.

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Soliaree said:
Then he said (something like), "What if you start working on building up yourself, making yourself whole, while I'm still here in the same capacity? What if we keep seeing each other the same amount of time while you do this?"

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This is really, really nice. He is letting you know that it is okay to step into that gray area of healing (a very scary area) and he will be there. That it doesn't have to be excrutiating or amazing... it can just be. It's okay to move away from the black or the white, just a little bit to begin to repair yourself-- he will be there, he's assuring you of that. It's pretty scary, I know.

that's cool soli.... a good shade of grey to learn of.
((((((((((((soli))))))))))))))

Soliaree,

I like the idea of shades of grey. It allows us to begin to take baby steps. Hey, if you cement yourself to the nest how will you fly when you flap your wings? You know, if you fly it's okay, because you can fly right back to the nest. I really like his reassurance. You must feel very reassured to know that he's "got your back."

Peace

(((((((((((( Soliaree ))))))))))))))

Soliaree, I didn't respond before, because I really really was thinking hard on what you wrote as it echoes my own thinking so much! Thanks for sharing that!

Really good thinking. It is still painful when one terminates but there are offsetting comforts and joys too. It's a bit like growing up and leaving home

soli, this is such a big deal for you to realize!! i'm so proud of you.. our little birdie!

im not even thinking about the "someday" part.. just the stepping towards trusting him part. Ever since i have known you, you have talked about your trust for him.. being able to tell him anything.. but this sort of trust is deeper and more healing. i don't think its grey.. i think its a rainbow! haha... smiley colours

face it: HE AIN'T GOIN' NOPLACE!!



when you take off from the nest... the nest is still there.. not like he will lock the doors.

i am so happy he said this all this way.

ps.. miss you