My Last Hope is Gone. . .

I feel like I am the only one who is really confused by this situation. I apologize in advance for anything that may be taken the wrong way because, like I said, I am confused.

What do you mean by Tdetermining your fate for you?

You mentioned that you are devastated and that your last hope is gone. If these things are true, then why did you cut yourself off from your last hope? If you feel so strongly about him, why not work this out in session?

You seem to acknowledge (because you wrote it in your initial post) that you would be "paying" for this-- I cannot help but agree. Most time what we try to "prove" to our T's blows up in our faces because we have done it the wrong way. We push away because we want to show them something. All we are showing is that we are still unable to ask for what we truly need. Since T's don't have the time and energy to chase after us all the time (and they need us to learn on our own), they aren't necessarily going to be the ones calling to beg us to come back. I have learned this the hard way when I used to call T and exclaim, "Don't bother calling me back!"-- so he wouldn't. This would lead a huge rupture because I would say, "If you cared, you would have called back!" He told me that he doesn't play games-- if I need him, he will always be there-- but I need to tell him when I need him.

Again, I apologize if I am totally off base, but your post just sounded, to me, as though you are hurting very badly, and cutting yourself off from someone you really need. If therapy causes pain and confusion for you, then go through the pain and confusion with him. Work it out. If you need him, why do this to yourself?

You are right-- you are holding multiple feelings for him at the same time-- a sure sign that you have grown. However, your actions seem extreme and show that it may be intolerable for you to hold these emotions. Allow yourself to hold them, and work on them with T-- learn how to hold onto both emotions without the pain of having to take yourself out of the situation.

I will never forget the time I was devastated by something that happened in therapy and I told T I wasn't coming back. Obviously it was worked through because I am still there with him-- I know this may sound trite, but, it is all part of the process. Unless you have a horrible T or he is just someone you cannot get along with, it is all part of the process. Don't remove yourself from it.

((Solaree)). It sounds like such a painful time for you. I saw your other post with the full picture of the hippo. It was so sad and painful to see that photo and to hear it represents how you feel right now. I had a rupture with my T and canceled a session. It took me 6 months to get up the nerve to call and make an appointment again. i'm so glad I did, but it doesn't necessarily get easier. In some ways the break from therapy was probably useful to me. I'm still not good at expressing my feelings, but I know it is up to me to do so and my T will be there with me as I struggle through it all. I hope that if you want to continue with this T you'll contact him and make an appointment. I was really proud of myself once I did this and I think it might give you a feeling of impowerment as well.

(((solairee))) I am in a similar place as you hon. I was actually thinking of leaving T a message right now saying thanks for the long forced break and now its my turn see how that feels!!

Truth is we will never know how they feel but we have to live with how we feel. I know this is excruciating for you and it would be for me too.

See if you can try one more session to talk about it but honestly, if his counter transference button is in high gear...it will make things worse.

Teach him how to talk to you the minute you get there. You'll respect his boundaries and he will respect yours and protect your feelings rather than destroy them.

All he is doing now is projecting his anxiety on you. That is unacceptable...

I'm here if you want to pm me...

((((sol)))) i've so been where you are. Unfortunately T's are not going to respond to us acting out. (skipping sessions to get them to "see through the behavior") You're playing games. Your T does care and wants to help you but YOU have to want to help yourself. Also, T is not going to beg you to come back. I've tried to get that too. Whether or not you go back is your choice, T really has no power over that. That is something YOU are actually in control of! make a list of things T said that upset you and bring it in and talk about them. The whole rupture started because you don't want to go just once a week...now you're going to go none? You're only hurting yourself and playing games with T that he will not play..trust me. Use your words. Own up to your feelings. Take responsibility for your behavior and learn from the experience. The child in you wants to act out to get T's attention. Tell the child you need to act like an adult. Comfort that child and say it will be alright. I know it will. Call T. You know you won't be happy if this is the end of your therapy. Theres so much more to be worked through....this whole thing being a good start. Take care sol.... i really do know where your coming from. It will be okay.

Soliaree, I'm so sorry you're going through this. For me, some of the most painful times in the therapeutic relationship (misunderstandings, etc) turned out to be the most healing. Whatever you decide I wish you the best.

This is all so curious. My last t would have come after me had I canceled all apnts (especially since scheduling was done by her). Only once in the year I worked with her was I tempted to never return. And when i got there I told her that. She said, I would have called you. She said someone else had just pulled that and she called, had the person come in. Prior to her being my t I took some classes from her in college. I remember her talking about ppl who would up and quit - she said "You can't just quit therapy!" She said she had one session out on her porch because the person wouldn't go inside.

I did e-mail T once and cancel a session because I was SO ANGRY at him. He knew I was angry. He e-mailed me back and told me that there was no pressure, but if I wanted to discuss things, I could let him know and he would call me later that day. We talked on the phone, and I ended up coming in for my appointment.

That time, I honestly wanted to cancel because I was so angry. I didn't care right then if I EVER went in again. If I had any sort of "I want to see T, but I'm going to cancel anyhow" kinds of feelings, I wouldn't cancel, because I would be so terrified that he'd just say "okay" and that would be the end of it.

It makes sense to me that T's kind of have to let people go when they cancel or quit therapy. I get the idea behind that. And I guess it makes us own up to our own feelings/issues when we are the ones who have to decide whether to go or not without playing games. I know me - if I knew T would beg me to come back every time, I'd probably cancel/quit a lot more often - and that would be so not good!

how is it going? hope you are okay?

thinking of you
peace and love,
night

Yes, soliaree....how are you doing now?????

Thanks for the inquiries everyone. I'm doing okay now
It was humiliating, but I called T this morning to see if my appointment was still available. Thank goodness, it was. Whew! I saw T this afternoon and we talked about everything. I did feel differently, though. I was definitely more assertive.

I told him that I was angry because he talked about termination, which he knows is something that triggers me. He said that he can't not say things because of how it makes me feel. I told him that the feeling I get is devastating. I guess therapy is just painful. I know this is wrong intellectually, but I get angry at the person who says the thing that causes me to feel the intense emotions. I know this is not rational, but my emotions aren't rational. I have no control internally so I guess it's no wonder that I try to control things externally.

Well, anyway. We didnt' get to talk about if we would go to once or twice a week. So, I said, "I guess we'll talk about the schedule next week." I didn't want him to say it. So, as we were leaving, he asked if I could change my Thursday appt. to Friday. I said fine thinking that he had something to do on Thursday or something. Back to being irrational again, I wonder if he did that to make the time in between sessions longer. This has me bothered and it's only an hour after session. I wish I could get rid of all of this doubt and stop worrying.

The Hippo has been saved, though. Thanks for everyone's support! I wouldn't have made it without all of you!

maybe talking about scheduling is not the same as changing the scheduling.

soliaree

i am glad you are feling better - give yourself a rest, however brief.

much love

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Soliaree said:
So, as we were leaving, he asked if I could change my Thursday appt. to Friday. I said fine thinking that he had something to do on Thursday or something. Back to being irrational again, I wonder if he did that to make the time in between sessions longer. This has me bothered and it's only an hour after session. I wish I could get rid of all of this doubt and stop worrying.

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You are just like me, I would say fine and then the thoughts start to swirl...we both need to learn to ask the questions before we leave eh?

I think you did great with assertiveness though!

Great thread!

(I wrote a much longer post, but deleted )