[Razzleberry]

I had a good session today, she seemed genuinely concerned about me. She could sense the sadness in my voice on the phone the other day. When I first got in the room, she asked how things were going and I said "oh, I'm ok" and she said "no, you're not ok...you don't need to hide from me"

I basically spilled a lot of crap about what I've been doing lately. She was very understanding and non-judgemental, but reminded me about the possible consequences of my actions.

Then she asked me if I needed to go to the hospital. I said no, I promised her I'm not suicidal.

Then...she asked if I would consider inpatient treatment for my, ahem...addiction. Apparently there is a place in Arizona that is really good she said.

Am I really that bad? I don't know. I can't just get up and leave my life right now, I have too much going on. I am taking one section of the CPA exam on May 27th, and another one in July. I have to pass those by July or I lose credit for the sections I already passed last year. My boss paid for the test fees, and paid for the review course I'm taking. If I fail, I'm in deep ***** at work.

And I'm already in deep ***** at work for some recent stuff. I can't just take a month off. They probably won't pay me, of course. So I'd be paying for the treatment and have no salary...

I really don't think I need that intense of a treatment but I don't know.

I do like this psych nurse, she really seems connected to me already. She gave me a hug at the end....man I really needed that.

She sent me home with some Zyprexa and told me to take the rest of today & tomorrow off work.

I got home, my hubby has been home sick. My daughter came running saying "mommy's home!!" and gave me a hug. It was sooo sweet. She never does that. I really needed that.

[(JD)]

Well, I think it's good to know you have that option, really...for the future. At least you won't feel like there's no hope or help for you...and it would be better to take that month than to end life, you know?

I'm glad you have a T that cares, and did some checking for you on that place.

Do your best.

[Kiya]

[Brian37]

the question is can you afford not to go right now.......if one month now can make the difference for the rest of your life....then you should think of going.....

my very first Psychologist had this written on his dry erase board but wrote it with a permanent marker:

"If nothing changes.....nothing changes"

think about that

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((((( Razzleberry ))))))))))))))))))))))

[BrnEyedGrl]

[Razzleberry]

The thing is...I'm not so sure if this is really an 'addiction' per se...or just my way of coping with my depression / etc. symptoms. When I get really down or stressed or feel rejected at home, I look elsewhere for comfort. I end up doing things I regret, but yet I still keep doing it. Self-sabotage. I don't know why.

But both my therapist and meds nurse are right...if I don't fix things soon, I could lose everything. My job, my marriage, my money, my family, everything could be gone in a heartbeat if things blow up. I need to get a handle on this and quit ruining my life.

[Brian37]

I'm not so sure if this is really an 'addiction' per se...or just my way of coping with my depression / etc. symptoms. When I get really down or stressed or feel rejected at home, I look elsewhere for comfort. I end up doing things I regret, but yet I still keep doing it. Self-sabotage

i think you just defined addiction

[PsyChris]

I think you should explain your situation to your therapist and med nurse. You will need to decide if you can wait until you pass the CPA Exam and get other things in order or if you need to go sooner and work it out when you return home.

Obviously the most important thing is your health. A better state of mind is worth a re-test from my point of view. You will have to decide if it is yours.

razz... is there a way the three of you could sit down for one appt? You need to make a big decision and these people are trained to help you do so. In your time here you have talked quite openly and frequently about your lack of power to stop yourself. Maybe you should re-read your posts.. i mean that, like reading a journal. Those posts were made outside of the fears associated with going to this hospital. i'm not saying you should go... this is complicated for sure. But if you don't go, then maybe there are other, more local, options for a stronger treatment plan than you have now. Maybe there are other programs, etc. i don't think one conversation is enough to base this sort of decision on.

Call you T, ask him (it is a him right?) if he can coordinate a meeting with the both of you. Research options yourself as well.. why wait?

wishing you a lot of courage..

Wow, I can't even tell you how much I understand and relate to your situation.

Drop your life and go to the hopsital!!! Easy, right? Haha.

I know.

I wish I could help. I know how difficult this is. Everything is seemingly falling apart, yet you still have yourself slightly above water somehow.

This is a big decision, but I think you should find out your other options because these seems pretty intensive. I don't know you and your specific struggles, but I only say this because of your concerns.

I am thinking of you. Please let me know if you need to talk.

[Lemon]

((razz)) I hope you can get some help working through this tough decision. I just wanted to say good luck with the CPA exam if you decide to take it. I'm a CPA and passing the exam is one of my proudest accomplishments. You can do it!

[Razzleberry]

I did find a program in L.A. that has a one-week or two-week intensive treatment kinda thing. The price isn't too terrible, and they had some classes starting in August. I wonder if I can just tell my T and Pnurse to just try and make me stable for the next few months, focus on studying for this test, and then think about that kind of treatment. To be honest, I think if we can 'cure' my depression, we can 'cure' this acting out symptom that we're talking about. I know there is no real 'cure' just saying that if we can work on that, maybe I don't really need that kind of treatment. I don't know.

The thing is, one minute I'm totally fine, feeling great. I really think the Zoloft is starting to work really well. But then I have moments that I just make really stupid decisions. And I'm sabotaging my own life.

I put on the happy face, no one knows what's going on. Even my husband. And especially my family. They just don't "get" this stuff. My life is going so well, I have so much I should be happy for. Why would I throw it all away? From a rational point of view, it just seems so stupid. But I'm not rational when I do these things...that's why it's a problem.

[Razzleberry]

Oh, and to make matters worse?! I just did the bills last night. I didn't tell my husband that I opened up a 0% interest credit card a few months ago, to help us out with a few large bills. We had to pay for the house plans for our new home before we could start the construction loan, and he had some dental work he needed done...yadda yadda.

Anyway...my plan was to pay it off with my tax-season bonus, that IRS stimulus check, and the rest would be the price of the house plans.

Well....I have been spending money like crazy lately. Not even really sure what I bought, but between gas, groceries, clothes, everything...my bonus check is gone. There is $6,700 on that 0% card, and only $2,500 will go towards the house. Yikes. I think we'll get $1,500 from the IRS next week, but that still leaves $2,700 I need to pay off soon. And if I'm not working, and paying extra for hospital or more therapy...yikes.

Just the meds & therapy copays are going to cost me at least $300 a month now. $140 for the Lamictal, $50 a week for appointments (one with pnurse, one with T, $25 each).

I hate this. Our money situation was finally going so great. Why did I ruin it. We have almost nothing in savings now because we put a lot of cash down on the property for the house. And who knows if the house will ever happen. We keep running into brick walls. And I'm building a house with a man I keep thinking about divorcing. What the hell am I doing?!!! The market stinks, we should have just bought an existing home, but it's too late now, we already paid for the land. Used up all his savings for that. We're stuck.

I need to pass the CPA exam. I just have to. Because if I do lose this job, which may be likely, the only way I can get any further in my career is with those three magic letters at the end of my name. I suck at interviewing and I have a history of jumping from job to job, not because of being fired, but because I just can't stay in one place very long. So I have a hard time getting good jobs. I need that certification to give me the extra edge. I need to pass this.

Ok...get off the internet and study!!!

I went through an out-patient program (started in the day program 9-3 but found the people there were at a lower-functioning level than I was--as far as getting myself up in the morning, dressed, getting to appts., etc.--so they had long break times where people actually slept on the couches or just smoked & stared off into space so I moved to the evening program--5:30-9:00 M-Th nights for about 8 weeks).

Most of the people there were working still, some full-time (it sounds like you are doing well at work & capable despite your dealing with these issues--have to hand it to you there--I couldn't do it--had to take a medical leave from my part-time job). There was a psychiatrist there monitoring & evaluating my meds, group therapy, classes in learning better coping techniques, learning about your mental illness & how to increase your own responsibility for your wellness & I guess, having to face some hard facts. They also provided family educ. classes (very helpful for my husband who was at a loss as to what to do with me & my irrational behaviors). In my case, it was very helpful & got me off to a good start right after I was dxed with bipolar I & had just started on meds & had been creating all kinds of crisis & turmoil & chaos in my life.

Exceptionally bad coping skills. Still learning better ones slowly, but seeing some improvement & just getting insight into my own problems & immaturity & need to confront myself about a lot of issues is ongoing.

Pdoc wanted to hospitalize me once due to my paranoia & to get my meds stabilized. I refused & will NEVER go into a psych hospital after visiting my mother in one growing up. I know, rationally, that they are not like that any more & several of my friends from my support group have said it was necessary & helpful, but still I think it just makes me too closely aligned with my mother & her illness. Even though I inherited bipolar from her, I'm trying my hardest not to follow in her foot steps (abusive to children, numerous suicide attempts until she finally suceeded when I was 15, affairs, drinking, etc.).

I don't know if there is one available in your area, but an intensive out-patient program such as the one I went to might be a good option for you.

But if it comes down to-- you are going to throw away all the good things in your life (job, marriage, etc.) because of your uncontrolled reckless behavior, what the hell, you are going to lose them anyway--may as well try to get yourself some help to prevent the worst from happening & losing EVERYTHING. Maybe the job will go away, but you will get a new perspective & feeling in control over your thoughts & behaviors that will make it easier to get another job, take the tests, etc.

Do you mind telling me what the name of the hospital is & where it is located in AZ? I will be moving there in about 1 year.--Suzy

[Razzleberry]

I don't remember the name....but she said it was the best one she knew of for, uhm...sex addiction & internet addiction.

Anyway....even just for my other issues (depression, maybe bipolar II), there really isn't much in my area. There is a county mental health clinic but the inpatient and intensive stuff is mostly for more severe cases...and those who can't afford therapy. They basically told me if I have a job & insurance...they can't help me there.

I was an idiot for moving to a small town. I thought it would be a good place to raise a family, and less stress. Too bad that also means less resources. I did FINALLY find a good therapist and pdoc(nurse), but there aren't any good treatment centers here.

Oh, and that place in AZ...I don't think it's really a 'hospital' but more like a treatment center / rehab kind of place. But they do dual diagnosis...so they would treat both my mental issues and my addiction at the same time (since, of course, they are related to each other).

if i can just tip-toe quietly through this china shop in the very tips of my hooves, everything will be just fine.

razz.. not saying you are a bull in a china shop.. more like there is a similarity in the resulting thinking... im worried about you. The inability to control yourself in certain instances and then feverishly trying to make up for and swear that "next time" it will be different.

there doesnt have to be a rational reason... none of these things are rational.. mental issues i mean... it's not rational that i cant get out of my pj's for days... If it were rational you'd have done it by now.

[Razzleberry]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
If it were rational you'd have done it by now.

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Good point.

I did some internet searching over the weekend and found a place a little bit closer that has a one-week or two-week program. I wonder if that would help me at all. I don't know. I didn't want to bother my pnurse on the weekend so I just sent her an email with a link to their website. Asked her to see what my insurance will pay (if anything).

And you're right. I can't seem to control it. A couple months ago, just before I started coming to PsychCentral, I actually went online and deleted all my accounts and profiles and changed all the passwords to keep me from getting back in. I even moved Internet Explorer on my computer at work so that I had to click around a zillion times just to open the browser. I did all these things to help me stop, but I didn't stop. It lasted a couple weeks but then I got back to my old habits.

I guess it's like an alcholic throwing all their booze away, but then still falling back into the trap.

[crazybones]

only you truely know what YOU need with time and patients truth will reveal itself i know what you mean i would suggest thinking about this whole thing you need to do your test definetly but if it gets worse i would reconsider

i see it more like gambling razz... the "i'll get it right this time" scenario. When you have an addiction.. you keep thinking you can just get it right (or win, or stop drinking or what have you)... and yeah, some peeps do get there through sheer will, but that is a cold hard road without many successful travellers.

However you choose razz.. you need to get help. If you stay then maybe talk to your T about doing more intensive.. and maybe contact a local addictions services (or comprable agency) who may be able to help you get into local day programs, support groups, etc.

If you can't or won't go to an in-treatment program then you need to really work to get yourself into a good situation where you are. i still think a sit-down with both your T and the pnurse would be of great benefit.

[splitimage]

I know all about the pressure to pass the exams and perform at work, I'm a designated accountant too, although our qualifying exams / program is a little different from the CPA process.

I also know about addiction and losing it all. I'm alcoholic and wound up losing a very high paying finance job due to my drinking. It took me 15 months which included 10 weeks of daily outpatient rehab and 7 weeks of inpatient psych hospitalization to get to the point where I could go back to work.

If you really think you can hold it together and pass the exams then that's worth doing. But it's also worth thinking about longer term, how you're life is going to be if you don't make changes. It may mean that you have to have some short term pain / sacrifices in order to get really well long term. Yes that's a scary place to be in, but like they say in AA the definition of insantiy is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Sometimes we need radical intervention to make the changes we need to.

re any treatment program you find / consider, make sure that they are really equipped to deal with dual diagnosis. My first rehab place wasn't and when I stopped self medicating with the booze, my mental illness really came out and I went in a downward spiral pretty damn fast leading almost immediately to relapse. My second treatment center was a dual diagnosis program and was much better for me, but I still needed psych help intensively after I got sober. But it also is the case that untill I got the mental illness under control, I had a really hard time maintaining any sobriety - you need to tackle both, almost simultaneously.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

--splitimage

[Razzleberry]

One month later, and now I'm going for sure, as soon as we can scrounge up the money and get insurance to call it medically necessary.

Wow!