[lauren_helene]

Last week at the beginning of my session, T went to sit down and he pulled his chair back! This is the first time I've noticed it and it bothered me.

I just kind of looked at him but didn't say anything. I hate when I don't address a feeling when it is happening.

It made me feel bad like he didn't want to be too close to me or something. He obviously didn't mind his chair being closer to the person before me.

We ended up having a good session, I told him he was the only one who understands me and I am lucky to have him. He thanked me and that bothered me too.

Have any of you noticed your T pulling their chair back like that? Two and half years and this is the first I noticed it.

[onlymedid]

Wow, that would bother me. My T usually come forward. I would just see what happens next time and if he does it again and it bothers you....say something. Ask him if there is a reason he moves his chair back from you. Of course, this will probably spark a whole, "why does this bother you?" response, but it might be something to talk about?!

Good luck

[skeksi]

I do think it's something you should discuss, in order to understand its importance to you and to him. Keep in mind that this may mean many different things, too, and not necessarily that he dislikes you in any way. For example, my T often begins sessions quite far away from me because I feel pressured and too "seen" when he's close. He may slide his chair nearer during the course of a session if I need more contact with him.

I'm curious--what about his thanking you bothered you?

[lauren_helene]

Interesting Skeksi my T only once pulled his chair closer to me and that was a long time ago when I sat in a chair further away and not on the couch. I told him I had something difficult to tell him.

I used to sit on the further away side of his couch but quite awhile (a year maybe) ago I started sitting on the end closer to him. He always seemed so far away and I didn't like it.

Perhaps I should go back to sitting on the side further away then he won't need to pull his damn chair back.

Why did the thank you bother me...good question and one that needs more thinking on my part.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
lauren_helene said:
Last week at the beginning of my session, T went to sit down and he pulled his chair back! This is the first time I've noticed it and it bothered me. Have any of you noticed your T pulling their chair back like that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My T used to sit in a lightweight swivel chair directly in front of me, very close. After a number of months, he switched to sitting in the couch across from me, further back. I really missed him being so close. At some point, I asked him why he didn't sit in the chair anymore. He said because by the end of the day (my standing appt back then was at 6 pm), he was tired and needed to stretch out, unfold. So it wasn't anything personal. He sits on the couch all the time now and I am used to the greater distance between us. Go ahead and ask your T, Lauren.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I told him he was the only one who understands me and I am lucky to have him. He thanked me and that bothered me too.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I wonder if you were hoping for another response from him? Maybe, "I'm really lucky to have you as a client too." or something along those lines.

[ECHOES]

Maybe there is some reason he felt his chair needed to be moved. Possibly he bumped into it and pushed it 'out of place' when the previous patient was leaving, or something like that. It sounds like you are assigning some particular meaning to his pushing the chair back. Why not mention it to him to see what he says?
I miss moments like that too, when I'm taken by surprise.

Another vote here for asking him about the chair.

My T recently scooted his chair back a couple of inches at the beginning of our session. I could tell it wasn't exactly in it's normal spot and he was moving it back. I just assumed that the client before me needed more closeness with him that day. I must have been either really distracted or in a REALLY good place at that moment, because normally that would have bothered me, but right then it didn't.

I can see where "thanks" would be kind of a disappointing response to the heartfelt words you told him. Kind of impersonal, maybe??

Hugs to you

[lauren_helene]

Yes thats it, his response was generic...typical for a therapist in my mind.

He has thanked me before in response to something similar that I might say. Perhaps I should create my own "distance" and sit in the farthest away chair in the whole room! Yes I'm being childish. I never noticed this before...

[Dinah]

Actually, my therapist did tell me once that he was too close to me. We were meeting in a different office than usual for a while, and the arrangement was not as ideal in terms of space as his usual office. For a few sessions I sat towards the middle of the couch and he was having trouble hearing me. So I would scoot closer to his end of the couch and eventually settled in the corner closest to him. Not because I was trying to get close, but because I like to burrow in corners.

I noticed he would occasionally get up and walk around to stretch, but would sit on the far chair. I asked if I was too close, and he said that perhaps I was.

Ouch.

I told him how much that hurt me. He said he was sorry. I suggested that he arrange his furniture in such a way that he wouldn't find himself in too-close proximity to clients, and would not have to hurt their feelings by moving away. He agreed that would be ideal. I started sitting at the far end of the couch, and if he complained he couldn't hear me, I told him he'd better darn well clean out his ears because I wasn't getting anywhere near where he could hurt me by telling me I was too close, ever again.

Eventually we made our way back to the old office. I could swear I'm no closer to him now than I was then. But I don't know. Every once in a while we do meet at another auxiliary office, and I never fail to make a comment about making sure I'm far enough away. Am I annoying him by doing that? Probably. But really, he should have arranged his furniture in a way for that to be avoided.

(I checked. I had bathed beforehand, as usual. I generally see him in the morning, after I brush my teeth, so I can't imagine my breath was *that* bad...)

[Flowerb]

I commented a few months ago to my therapist that he "stepped back" when I went to leave, and I wondered if he was creating safety for himself - being protective of any client's sudden urge to hug him or something. He was surprised and said no, he was leaving space for me to leave - kind of a polite "ladies first" reflex. I got the feeling he didn't even realize he was doing it. But it took me years to say something about it.

I think we all have a large variety of needs for physical space and/or closeness. Sometimes we aren't even aware of them.

[lauren_helene]

Wow Dinah I can see why you keep mentioning the logistics of seating often to your T.

I'm wondering if he thinks I've been too close...I did move closer to be closer because it is easier for me to talk to him and not be so far away.

It will be interesting to hear what he has to say when I ask him about this.

[Dinah]

I hope your therapist has a far better answer than mine did. At least I have to give him points for honesty. How could I possibly mistrust someone who says something so blatantly undiplomatic?

[Slippers]

Maybe between the previous client and you he had a sub with onions and a cup of coffee? Or maybe his previous client is that soft talker from Seinfeld? Or maybe they were playing Uno? Or maybe he thinks YOU want more space and wants to be respectful?

Or maybe you better ask him.

S

[lauren_helene]

okay we had our session! It was good! He didn't realize he pulled the chair back...I figured.

I asked him if I sit too close and he said no and said I could move back if I wanted to. I stayed at the farther end of the couch though. I don't know what I was thinking because we have had sessions where he comes and sits next to me.

Usually when I bring family photos is when that happens. He wouldn't do that if he thought I was too close.

I chalk this up to my being sensitive over nothing...