[Mouse_]

Turned up like a faithful dog to T today. I haven't mentioned here before, that when I was going through some heavy stuff with one of my daughters, T yawned. Oh I know a yawn means many things and proberly wasn't even about me, but none the less, that yawn hurt me.

I did tell T next session about how that made me feel, and she didnt defend the yawn, and she did bring it up herself on another occassion. Then last week as I was talking about heavy stuff, there was the "joke" T made and to be honest at the time It didn't bother me, not like the yawn, but I must admit that I have been wondering if she has been experiencing counter-transference toward me, perhaps acting toward me like my adoptive mother would? Indifferent and not taking my fears seriouisly.

As I say I turned up today and once again told T I still do not feel that connectedness with her, and told her how I feel I have lost something, and how the world feels differently and the ways I use to find to bring me some joy have been lost and I am stuck in a kind of "pergutory"..I told her I just walked out of work this morning, just had this feeling come over me that I needed to get home and just lie down and breathe.

T said remember we were trying to connect your disconnectedness over the last few weeks to the tiem you found out you were adopted? She said actually I think these feelings are from earlier then that, they come from the time when you could only just concentrate on breathing to survive, the time when you were first adopted, the times you say you never cried as a baby, like now you are presenting more calmer than usual on the outside but you are indicating on the inside you are falling apart? like as a baby? I said, yeah thats just how it is, then T said, how do you feel about taking time of sick and having more sessions? I was stunned, I first just nodded no, then I said, look I can't take time of work and I can't financially afford mroe sessions. T said won't your doctor give you time off? I said, I don't know, T then said, I could write to him? then she said is it only finances that stop you coming more? I said yeah, Then T said, would you email me every day then? I was like, what???? whats going on? I Mean I felt nice, but why the sudden change in her approch? shes never been so forthcoming like this. I said well I;ll try and email you but I don't know what I might say, but yeah I guess emailing will help give me the "now" I feel that is missing at the moment. But geez, what has she seen thats different?

[kim_johnson]

sometimes when we are falling apart inside and doing what we can to communicate that as clearly as possible to our therapists... what they see is very different. it can be so ingrained as to be a habit... falling apart on the inside. collected and competent and in control on the outside. maybe your therapist didn't see that you were struggling so much on the inside. maybe... the manner in which you conveyed your distress (unintentionally) was matter-of-fact. i read something once on how to interpret a counter-transference yawn (what it can mean about what the client is trying to convey). sounds like there was a miscommunication for a time but now... it is different. not sure what is different... if it is a difference in how you conveyed stuff... or if she got to thinking about her yawning and / or where your feelings might be coming from. dunno... could you ask her?

((((((((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))))))))

I know that for me, feeling connected to T is the number one most important thing in getting any work done in therapy - and in feeling okay outside of therapy . I know that when I'm feeling really disconnected, like you are, T really goes out of his way to figure out a way to help me reconnect. I mean, he makes a HUGE effort. We've seen each other for extra sessions during times like that, as well as had more phone contact, more e-mails, etc. Finally, something usually "clicks" and we can go back to our usual level of contact.

Perhaps T is seeing this need with you - the need to reconnect so you can start feeling better - and this is an effort on her part to help foster that connection? I don't think it means that you're "unwell" at all - I just think it's about rebuilding the necessary connection with T.

Plus, this might help you see that T is so different from your adoptive mother. Instead of ignoring your needs and pushing you away, she's drawing you in with open, loving arms.

[sunrise]

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Mouse_ said:
I turned up today and once again told T I still do not feel that connectedness with her, and told her how I feel I have lost something, and how the world feels differently and the ways I use to find to bring me some joy have been lost

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It sounds like you had a strong need, expressed it to T , and she responded by offering you more time with her. Perhaps you were looking for a great quality of therapy (more connectedness) and what she offered was a greater quantity, so her offer just didn't fill the bill? Are you sure her offer of more time really meant she thinks you are unwell? Perhaps you are just in need of a bit more support right now.

I think if you don't want to go 3 times a week, can't take time off work for it, or can't afford it, then you can just decline her offer. Perhaps suggest to her that the two of you could work for greater connectedness in your 2 sessions rather than adding more?

Sounds like a hard time now, Mouse. Take care.