[Mouse_]

Yesterday when I first entered "our" room, I noticed the little table attached to the couch that holds the tissues wasn't flat against the wall. I noticed the "gap", and I said to T in quite a frustrated tone, "why isn't the table next to the wall?" T said, "I don't know, it must have been moved perhaps with the hoover?" and she said do you want me to move it? and with that she attempted to "fiddle" with it, and within a second I got inpatient and groaned, "no just leave it", I've never used that tone with T before.

Its only now as I sit here, that I wonder if I wasn' trying to communicate to T my frustration I must have felt at my adoptive mother not being the right fit? Not right up tight against the wall? and my adoptive mothers clumsy attempts to either fill the gap or ignore it were met with frustration by me? As in, "leave me alone, dont touch me, don't move me?"...Perhaps I'm experiencing the what then as a baby/toddler would have been intolerable frustration at the "gap" between my real mother and my adoptive mother?

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Several times when I have entered T's office, "things" were moved or there was a "new thing" in the room. Being very hypervigilant, the slightest changes in the environment signals danger for me. Like some thing is wrong, I need to be careful. For me it's miserable and makes the whole session rough.

[Mouse_]

Yes I've always been hypervigilant, this time it felt different though. It was more that I expressed inpatience and frustration with T that stands out. I got inpatient with her and she didn't disappear.

[Mouse_]

And also experiencing feeling frustrated with her and me not disappearing or fearing she will now be of no use to me. I felt frustrated with her and didn't destroy her in the process,. I still carried the hope that she may have "failed" at putting the table "right" but she doesn't continue to fail. I think thats a biggy for me.

[Angel_of_the_Past]

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Mouse_ said:
I still carried the hope that she may have "failed" at putting the table "right" but she doesn't continue to fail. I think thats a biggy for me.

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Absolutely! We all fail from time to time (some of us more often than others 'Angel') but being able to realize this is big.

Hugs-Angel

[Sannah]

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Mouse_ said:
It was more that I expressed inpatience and frustration with T that stands out. I got inpatient with her and she didn't disappear.

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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
And also experiencing feeling frustrated with her and me not disappearing or fearing she will now be of no use to me. I felt frustrated with her and didn't destroy her in the process,. I still carried the hope that she may have "failed" at putting the table "right" but she doesn't continue to fail. I think thats a biggy for me.

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Wow, this is deep analysis Mouse! Good job!

[pachyderm]

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Angel_of_the_Past said:
Several times when I have entered T's office, "things" were moved or there was a "new thing" in the room. Being very hypervigilant, the slightest changes in the environment signals danger for me.

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Yesterday I added some bricks just outside my rear door, to channel water from a downspout when it rains, from going so much onto the walkway into the soil area instead. Early this morning one of my cats approached the rear patio area, and clearly noticed the change in scenery, approached the new items gingerly, and sniffed. He then decided it was OK to come inside.