What I said Versus What I said.

I borrowed a book of T during last week, its called Piggy by D. Winnicott....I borrowed the session before the final session and told T that i had begun to read it but then couldnt'...T asked why? I said, I dunno, coz its a mans voice talking and not a womans? coz the little girls parents are to aware of their daughter and mine weren't? T said talked about how Winnicott was raised by women and so uses this part of him to work with and how theres a lot of female therapists out there that sound a lot harsher then him...and I goes, yeah I know, but I dunno..anyways I picked the book up again last night and its like reading a transcript of a session and it was making me aware of ways in which I must be asking questions without being aware of it, because obviously I am not trained, but the first thouhht Ihad was that when T asked me why I wanted to borrow that book, I had said, dunno just interested, but I think it was because I was hoping that I could replace me and T whilsts shes away with the transcript of someone elses therapy but because it doesn't work like that, its obvious its not me and T but someone else and then T I was getting angry...then I thought about why I Had asked T in our last session if she had a mum?...why did I need to know that then and there? why wait to the last session? I thought perhaps that small child in me felt that she was being pushed aside and would have no mum for 4weeks and wanted to know if T also would be alone like I am? wanted her to see how lucky she is that though shes' throwing me away for 4wks she will have her mum still...I was feeling astounded as I was coming to this conclusions last night..like I was finally having a conversation with the littke me inside and this is how T must hear my questions during session but I've never known thsi part of me before...then I skipped to the last thing I said before the end of session, I looked at her clock that showed we have 1min left and I sort of threw myself back and changed mood and sasid, shall I tell you about the funniest misunderstanding I've had in here...and I remember T moving her eyes to look at the clock and I felt she thought perhaps this was a delay tactic on my part which it proberly was and I said about the time I told her my husband was on holiday one week, his normally night work and how I feel like l'm gonna have to play wife at night to him and how nervous that was making me feel and T had said about doing some DIY and I couldn't bleieve she had said that until a couple of days later I realised she meant we should do something that wold bring us together in the day first like doing DIY together...and with that I got up and said ok time to go....I think what I was showing her was that I hope this isnt something I've mistook and that its only a break and shes coming back and no leaving to do life alone? ...I was flabergasted that I may have meant so many things by what I did say....man I've got ages to go yet if thats the case? or perhaps it would make it easier if I was constantly aware of what the little one in me was saying so I could reasure her?...

Mouse,

Interesting post. Yeah, we blab to them without even knowing it, don't we?

Recently i had a dream which I told T about and we discussed it briefly and interpreted it together, assigning meaning to the different parts. Afterward when I got home I was thinking that the meaning could actually be something other than what we said. I had a realization that there could be layers of meaning--that the dream didn't have to mean only one thing. I was wondering how many interpretations he is aware of and how much I "told" him without realizing it!

Peace

(((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))))

dunno what to say, but here