[RiverX]

It was a small thing,.....or was it?..... I had to send him something re financial stuff which he told me he'd let me know when he got it.
With it I sent some very emotionally vulnerable writing, (and this is within the bounds of ok in this particular fix up - as we'd talked about it before). It was about my longing to be able to relax and trust, and how I felt trust with him.
(I posted this before the next sess and that turned out to be the most conflicted and negative we'd had yet.

He didnt acknowledge reciept of the financial thing, nor of course the writing. I had been relying on that bit of communication as a sign of continuing positive attitude thro the difficult bits.
In my own values, if I say I'll do something, then its my responsibility to do it, speacially in vulnerable situations, when the other person is vulnerable, this is surely the basic abc of recovery, you do what you say you will...

I needed to go out on a limb and find my other trustworthy, - coming from a background of having been betrayed, isnt it this that we need in order to repair and restructure on better principles:?
So, the problem is, I go into shock, I get triggered, and as much as I may try to just get on with my life, underneath, I'm not present to it, I'm waiting to get back and resolve this thing with a compulsive need. OR, I give up, and go indifferent.......... like
'oh, so you're not where its at, you dont care, nothing matters' sort of attitude.

Whats going on? Whats the reality, ... I cant see my way... ??

[pachyderm]

(((((River)))))

(((((((((((((((((((((( River )))))))))))))))))))

The only thing I know to do is to talk to him about it. I've made myself completely crazy trying to figure out T's thoughts/motivations/whatever....but when we finally talk about it, I usually understand what's going on, and I was way off base with whatever I was guessing.

Now I try to talk to him BEFORE I start the self-talk about all of the terrible things he's thinking about me, how he's abandoning me, etc.....but it's not always easy

[MissCharlotte]

(River)

I would think the only way to know is to take the risk of calling and asking if he received the packet. Once you know he received it, you can tell him what an insensitive dork he is for not letting your know!

You are in such a vulnerable place and it's so hard to muster up the courage to risk the call.

I think it's in reaching out that you will find your answers.

IT is really a most difficult place you are in right now. Take gentle care.

[RiverX]

Oh, its really nice to get these answers. Hi pachy, i can sort of imagine you with a wry smile after all I've said previously. lol

Thanks for what you said ms cha, specailly about telling him he was a dork, that was very comforing. Yeah, he did get the stuff, I emailed him, its that why he didnt do what he said he would, and I was expecting, and in his reply he told me got it last Tues! it makes him seem indifferent or backing off...
Course I'll talk about it, but I've gone all numbed out now, and I hate being numb and disconnected, being distressed seems far healthier.

Ahh well, I hope it can all be resuscitated. I feel a dope for being so vulnerable, it makes me cynical about the whole therapy thing. ...

[Mouse_]

River, I hope you can tell T how you feel about this?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by RiverX

I feel a dope for being so vulnerable, it makes me cynical about the whole therapy thing. ...

It's okay to be vulnerable if you are in a safe relationship.....

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It's okay to be vulnerable if you are in a safe relationship.....

Thanks Sannah, but this is the point, after what I said, what makes you suggest that it is a safe relationship?
I feel like I'm living in an emotional emergency, - not sleeping wanting to act out etc.
This happens when I get triggered, and it seems theres s_ _ all I can do about it in the meantime. I have invested so much in this relationship, its like being on a tightrope, and he wasnt paying attention, and he shook the tightrope, now I'm hangoing over the ravine till I show up, pay the next boat load of $$ for the next 50 mins.

Its just mad at the minute, and the worst thing, this part of me is hooked on the internal drama. I didnt show up looking for this kind of hit tho, I wanted to get healthy and have a sober experience of healing relationship based on good principles.

I know it'll get resolved, but I couldnt be doing with too many of these blips.

Mouse thanks, but OF COURSE I'm gonna talk about it to him, but I'm talking to you now, in the hope of some human connection in this place.

aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh "£$T-0^^^$%&

[Sannah]

From your post I couldn't determine I guess? So you want some human connection here, let's talk.....