So upset with T...

I had my Wednesday session. It was ok, I guess. Nothing spetacular. The discussion theme of the session was basically how ever since dad died, I have felt really separated and ostracized from those who I thought would really be there for me (not only in regards to the grief, but other issues as well).

During this session, T told me that the agency where he works has new rules:
--therapists are not allowed to have email contact with clients on personal email accounts. I will be allowed to email him to a work email address, but he cannot respond. This is a pretty big blow to me because although I can still write if I want-- he cannot respond. And although he never really gave in depth responses, it was always nice to hear that he got the email. Sometimes he would email special quotes that he knew would be meaningful to me.
--therapist are not allowed to have outside contact with their clients via cellphones. This means that I can only call his work number, which is set automatically to voicemail. I would sometimes call his cell phone if I really needed him because there was always a chance that he would pick it up.

I know that neither of these things are his personal rules-- they are agency policy. However, the principle of the thing is that I am feeling that two more things got taken away from me-- this is in addition to Saturday sessions being taken away, two sessions per week being taken away, his office in close proximity being taken away, and having a really crappy session time.

All that aside, I left him a message the following day to tell him two positive things that happened to me. T would always tell me that it was okay to call just to tell him if something went well. I wanted to tell him how I did well on my midterm, despite crashing into a bad grief/depressive episode and barely being able to focus on studying. I also wanted to tell him how I went to a wonderful chiropractor at a wellness center and how I got to go on the hydrotherapy bed, and it was the first time in so long that I have had a relaxing, meditative experience just for me. I left him a very upbeat message about this because I was excited to share.

In addition to telling him those things, I also let him know that at this time in my life, only seeing him once per week is so difficult. I said that although our schedules do not mesh well, perhaps I could have half-hour phone sessions, once per week.

Key element in this post: We have had phone sessions before. We have had half-hour phone sessions. We have both agreed that phone sessions are not nearly as effective has face-to-face sessions, but they are still okay.

Anyway. Last night I got a message back from T. He said that he doesn't "typically" do half-hour phone sessions. Then he sort of trailed off... he said that it would be something we have to discuss in session. He said that he would be at a conference Friday and Saturday so none of the times in which I asked him to call back so that I could pick up the phone would work. He did not mention one thing about the two positive things that I had excitedly told him about over the message. Not one ****ing thing.

I got extremely angry and decided that I wasn't going to sit around all weekend with bottled up anger. So I left him a message that basically went like this:

"Hi T. I really don't understand your logic about phone sessions. Apparently you don't "typically" do 1/2 phone sessions, yet you have "typically" done them with me in the past. Also, I called to share two positive ****ing things with you, and you obviously didn't hear one ****ing thing. I'm pissed off, and I'm not going to hold it in all weekend. Maybe I'll talk to you Monday; maybe not. I'm working. I will just see you on Wednesday."

I was really hurt; really fuming.

This morning, he left me another voice message (I am typically always doing something in which I cannot answer my phone so that's why it is all about messages being left back and forth). He said-- and I quote-- "I am sorry that the previous message had a dystonic resonance with you." Ok. I don't want to hear his ****ing psychological jargon. Yes, I know what it means... No, I don't want to hear it because I just want him to meet me where I'm at right now. He went to say how he was sorry that he didn't recognize the positive things in the message I had left, but he felt this phone session issue was more important to address. He felt? What about what I felt? Then he went on with some crap about having to explore this anger, blah blah blah. Then he said some crap about not really doing the 30 min. phone sessions, and his feelings about phone sessions in general... He ended the conversation by saying how it is so understandable that right now I am going through an experience where I feel ostracized and completely misunderstood. Well, he can add himself to the ****ing list of people who are causing me to feel that way.

So after that, I just started crying in my office. Thank goodness my client was running late. I left him another message, but this time I was just a complete mess. Trying to talk through my crying, I told him that I don't want to explore anger, I don't want analyze the process of me wanting more contact, in fact, I don't want anything except my dad. I told him that no one has even come close to understanding my experience.

I am just so hurt right now. I don't even want to look at his ****ing face. He is not helping.

[Sannah]

Hi Pink, I think of contacting a T outside of session as being crisis needed only. Calling to share goes over the boundary IMO.

[emilyjeanne]

((((((Pink))))))

I just want to give you some support and I understand how you feel.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( pinksoil ))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you aren't connecting very well with your T. I don't like those new rules either I can understand you being upset. It's kinda odd that now he doesn't want to do phone sessions anymore. As for the anger, my T says that she expects me to be angry at her when we aren't connecting for whatever reason.

[winterbaby]

I am so sorry this is happening to you!! Sounds like he has had some sort of supervision or consultation over your case. The not calling back right away last week or whenever it was you were posting and now this. I think something is up 100%!! If I were you I'd ask him straight out about it, whether he has needed supervision because of his feelings or he is having trouble or what. At least that way you will know and can deal with it and know it's not YOU.
How would the agency know he has given you a private email and lets you call on the cell phone anyway? Unless he has discussed with someone. Take care in the meantime. It would drive me very crazy to have these new rules imposed!

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Pink, I think of contacting a T outside of session as being crisis needed only. Calling to share goes over the boundary IMO.

The boundary of what? Therapists are there to share in both of the positive and negative aspects of life. I welcome my clients to call me to share their accomplishments.

I don't go into "crisis." If I was in "crisis" then I would go to a crisis response center. If I need to talk to my T, then I call him.

Thank you to all who have validated my situation. Nothing new to report... just sad, angry, hurt, etc. I feel like something has changed in the relationship, but then again... after my dad died my whole life changed so everything feels different. I feel different.

I would be hurt about all of it. And I'm just especially sorry about your dad.

[MissCharlotte]

I feel like something has changed in the relationship, but then again... after my dad died my whole life changed so everything feels different.

Pink,

First of all I would also be in a panic and very hurt as well.

I think you might be on to something here. The therapeutic relationship is so unlike any other but it's supposed to help us in our other relationships. Sometimes I think that is ridiculous.

You know, everything might feel different because the lens through which you perceive everyday you is different now because of your father's passing. There are few things in life that can change our perspective more than a a parent's death. All of a sudden that person is no longer a part of our daily lives in the way we are accustomed. All of a sudden, there's nobody on this earth that we can feel like "that" kid with and we are stuck with our adult selves. Of course you are still his daughter and always will be. But the fact that you don't have him each day is so painful.

DH is part of your everyday life, and lives this grief with you. But T doesn't see you every morning and night and maybe he is doesn't know how much pain you are in. Maybe you have to tell him. Maybe you two haven't encountered this part of you together yet.

Maybe his reactions feel different because you are looking at him through a new lens?

I am so sorry you are in such pain. I think it sucks.

[RiverX]

Funny enough pinksoil (or not so f.... funny), I'm at present hurting from the same thing, the issue is inconsistency - which you're talking about as I understand it, its not about whether or not one can call or not between sessions, its about knowing what to expect which - when we do know creates a safe environment in order to trust enough to be able to open ones heart.

Mine is a different issue, - something he's said he'd do and didnt - probably forgot, but at a really sensitive time. I was relying on this, as a continuity and consistency after the most contentious session in 6months, the only one I've said anything approaching negative. The problem being the implied message = 'comply, say only nice things or my word is meaningless, everything cancelled.
Oh, we've always managed to resolve everything, but in the meantime, I cant switch off these feelings, like being in shock. F. all I can do to change my feelings, only get through this till its resolved. And whats also bad is its a kind of internal drama with nothing happening outside, and I'm sort of transfixed and fascinated by the drama, God, what a waste of emotional energy.
It makes me feel so infantilley dependent... I dont feel good about being this dependent, but then, thats the trust we volunteer for in therapy, isnt itj? We lay ourselves on the line.

These things make me so doubt the ethos of therapy, theres such a power imbalance, and its so easy for them to become blaze and careless, when 'we' turn up one after the other all with sensitive human needs.
Still, this is the way it is... ... all I can do now, and I've opted in....
Well, I hope you get through it ok.

river

[ScaredSad]

Hi Pinksoil. I can't tell exactly from your post but do you work in the field?

If so, I do too, so in this post... I can only share from that perspective and a current dilemma I'm experiecing about a former client. It's not the same as your situation... but I think it shows how much a therapist can struggle with boundaries too.

I met him when I worked as a therapist in a private hospital setting. He was typically hospitalized 3-4 times a year for a few weeks to get meds straight. I transitioned to private practice and ended up working in the same office where I had referred him for treatment a year earlier. I was not his primary clinician but he always stopped in to update me.

I left that position earlier this year and he has since found my personal facebook and sent me a few messages. I have thought through at least a half dozen scenarios on how to handle this and they have all ended with the messages left unread in my inbox.

He was an ideal client. He was very ill but he was a pleasure to treat and I felt very invested in his wellness in both settings. He trusted me beyond the level he trusted his other clinicians and as a result, he never really was able to be open with them about his symptoms. So, being kind of naive, I kept letting him come to me over the years.

Now, I realize that I did him a huge dis-service and it's really troubling to me to see those messages there in my inbox. I want to read them... but it's for selfish reasons. I want to read them because I know I can help him, I could call his current therapist and case manager, I could respond to him and advise him on how to handle things... but that isn't my role anymore. I should have limited our interactions once I transferred to private practice. I allowed him to become dependent on extras that couldn't always be in place.

So, I know it's rambling and might not even help... but from that perspective, and what I was hoping to share through this example is that I can say it's likely emotionally difficult... even very hard for your therapist to be so limiting. It is hard for me. I don't ever want to turn anyone away for any reason but I can't see how it's helpful for my client to talk to me, an out of work clinician, instead of talking to whoever his current professional is at this time. When I knew his therapist, I was able to forward the emails to her but I have no idea who he is working with right now... so I don't know what to do... this is where supervision can't even give answers that satisfy you sometimes.

I hope you are feeling better soon. I'm so sorry you lost your father. My parents are both dangerously ill and my mother is hospitalized right now. I was almost certain we'd lose my dad this past summer. I don't know how I'll handle it when I do have to face the loss. If these are some of your only reactions, I think you are handling it far better than I think I will be able to deal... I picture myself isolating and totally shutting down.

Hope things smooth out with your therapist soon!

[RiverX]

Scaredsad, I'd hope you would have explained to him clearly at least once that you cannot answer his emails because of professional boundaries....? Or if you just didnt answer, why do Ts do this? I mean not answer even just to set the boundary so the person knows?

"
[I left that position earlier this year and he has since found my personal facebook and sent me a few messages. I have thought through at least a half dozen scenarios on how to handle this and they have all ended with the messages left unread in my inbox.~"

pink, pink, pink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((((((((((pink)))))))))))))))))))))))



This stinks. I would definitely, DEFINITELY be looking for more clarification on this issue, mainly the "why" of why this is going on. I know that you, like me, count on support from T outside of session, and to have that taken away all of a sudden seems very unfair.

I guess I did want to throw out there that he could call and leave a VM when he gets your e-mails so you know he got them. Just a solution to that little piece of it.

BUT! These are a lot of changes when you already had a lot of other changes going on. I'm so sorry. I'm way, way, way depleted in the wisdom department, but I do hear you, I get why this sucks, and I send tons of love and

PM me if you want to vent or chat.

xoxoxo

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that these changes have come so abruptly upon you. I know how important your close relationship with your t has been to you and how you utilized the phone and e-mails to help support you inbetween sessions. Your relationship has seemed to me to be so unique and fit your t relationship so well that I can understand how sad and angry you are feeling. I know you will address them in your next session but I also understand how hard it is to "sit" with them until then. I really am sorry and know I am here if you want someone to talk to. Many .

BB

[taylor43]

Pink I am so sorry it came a shock to you in time you need the most support. I wish I could take the pain away but I cant only be just a support.

I question is this new rules was so made suddenly or did your T decide. Yes therapist have regulations and guidelines to followe for me I think you need to talk to your T about email/phone contact between sessions and do be honest how you feel hun.

[Kiya]

Wow... those new rules really bite. why the h*** are they coming up now?

[krazibean]

maybe this is your T's way of preventing ruptures like the last one that happened. Talking outside of session is a privilege, and maybe seeing the way you acted before made him decide he doesn't want to give that privilege anymore? Just a thought.

Originally Posted by krazibean

maybe this is your T's way of preventing ruptures like the last one that happened. Talking outside of session is a privilege, and maybe seeing the way you acted before made him decide he doesn't want to give that privilege anymore? Just a thought.

Ummm, the way I acted? I'm not sure what you are talking about. Even if that was the case (and I'm not sure what you are referring to) my T wouldn't take away something as a "punishment."

Also, I don't see communication outside of session is not a privilege-- if there is any therapist who thinks that he/she can get away with not working with some clients outside of the session (via email or phone)-- well, that's just absurd to me. It is just the nature of the profession.

[krazibean]

I just mean by you calling him a craphead, going to extremes (he doesn't care) that kind of stuff. I thought maybe he would want to prevent that from happening again. And i never said "punishment", i just said maybe he's trying to help you or not put himself in that uncomfortable and unecissary situation again of you being upset with him.

A lot of agencies (like your T's now) prohibit contact outside of sessions. they have secretaries do the appointments. Even for crisis's, some T's (like mine) have on their voicemails to go to the nearest emergency room. there really doesnt' HAVE to be contact outside of session, no. Am I saying a lot of T's follow that? No. Just that a lot of agencies have that policy. 50 minutes once a week is all they are being paid for, technically.

i was just making a suggestion, i never said that was the case.

Originally Posted by krazibean

I just mean by you calling him a craphead

I didn't call him that to his face, lol. That was in a post. In the past, I have called him a lot worse than a craphead in person-- he can handle it.

A lot of agencies (like your T's now) prohibit contact outside of sessions. they have secretaries do the appointments. [quote]
Just to clarify, the agency didn't prohibit outside contact. They just prohibited the Ts to use cell phones. I can call his number at work, and he can call back.

[Simcha]

[quote=pinksoil;846025]I didn't call him that to his face, lol. That was in a post. In the past, I have called him a lot worse than a craphead in person-- he can handle it.

A lot of agencies (like your T's now) prohibit contact outside of sessions. they have secretaries do the appointments.

Just to clarify, the agency didn't prohibit outside contact. They just prohibited the Ts to use cell phones. I can call his number at work, and he can call back.

((((((((PINKSOIL)))))))))

I don't like agencies, or state/city/county ran clinics or hospitals because of things like you've just described. I hate being dictated to or feeling like I've been imposed on, and I'm sure your T feels that way too. I'm sure it's frustrating for him too that some dickhead in a position of authority over him is dictating that your T (and all T's at the agency he works at) do XYZ or he'll put his job at risk. Who knows whatever ridiculous rules they might have imposed on him---Sigh. What's next, dictating that they wear ties to sessions? Three-piece suits? Female T's can't wear skirts anymore because a male client might stare at her legs? Is Friday going to be "casual day" now, or can T's still decide what attire they want to wear? Do they not trust T's to be intelligent, empathic, professional therapists anymore? Really Pink, WTF!!?????

It seems as though the authority in charge doesn't trust their T's to maintain appropriate boundaries, which is absolutely ridiculous when you think about it. In fact, it pisses me off that you have to deal with such an annoyance. If they really feel that way, maybe they should be looking at their hiring practices instead. If they don't trust their T's clinical judgment, then they shouldn't be there, period. That much IS BLACK AND WHITE.

I'm so spoiled now... I completely forget sometimes what it can be like other places----my T owns the practice, so I don't have to fear drastic changes from outside sources anymore.

If that came off strong, I'm sorry; I'm in a strange mood.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

Ummm, the way I acted? I'm not sure what you are talking about. Even if that was the case (and I'm not sure what you are referring to) my T wouldn't take away something as a "punishment."

Also, I don't see communication outside of session is not a privilege-- if there is any therapist who thinks that he/she can get away with not working with some clients outside of the session (via email or phone)-- well, that's just absurd to me. It is just the nature of the profession.

My T said outside contact (in a professional context) comes with the job description.

[sunrise]

I think "inconsistency hurts" hits the nail right on the head. Ouch.

pink, I think I remember your posting before that your T left his former job because they required him to give only psychoanalytic therapy and he wanted to be more eclectic and give each client what was the best for them. It seems like he jumped from the frying pan into the fire, because his new agency has lots of regulations that interfere with his practice too. What does your T think about the new phone and email regulations? Does he hate them or think they are a good idea? To me it would matter a lot how he felt about the regulations. It does seem like the agency is micromanaging.

I hope you can sort some of this out at your next session. It must be so hard to have T withdraw from you (due to the new cell and phone regulations) just after you have lost your father. The use of the psycho jargon also sounds kind of distancing to me.

The hydrotherapy bed sounds really cool. I hope you get to do that again.

Originally Posted by Simcha

[
It seems as though the authority in charge doesn't trust their T's to maintain appropriate boundaries, which is absolutely ridiculous when you think about it. In fact, it pisses me off that you have to deal with such an annoyance. If they really feel that way, maybe they should be looking at their hiring practices instead. If they don't trust their T's clinical judgment, then they shouldn't be there, period. That much IS BLACK AND WHITE.

[Behindthecouch]

((((pink))))

I don't know much about how agencies work but it sounds like they are walking right in to something they don't understand and using pointless bureaucracy to cover their legal @sses (IMHO). Of course this must be done to some extent but not at the expense of a client/patient.

Trust is at the centre of the therapeutic relationship and what is the biggest contributor to trust? consistency of course! (as others have said).

The agency has taken away the consistency from the therapy therefore damaging the trust and the relationship so of course you are hurting poor thing!

But it is also the therapist's job not to let the bureaucracy damage your therapy to the full extent of his power. I think the others are right - you need to know what his take on this is. Is he wanting to protect you but finding his hands tied and so just distancing himself from you to try and fit in to their "ethical" rules?

He is in an impossible situation if they are pulling his strings - even if he cares desperately about you he can't tell you and he can't break their rules. I kind of want him to grow a pair and tell you he'd have it a different way and maybe bend the rules for you when no ones looking but I guess if he got fired then that would be it for the therapy too!

What a difficult situation. But like the others say, before you decide he's a spineless fool find out what he feels about this. Maybe he's hurting like you? I kinda hope so.

I want you to feel better.



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