Yeah, I said it. I genuinely miss him, but I am doing so much better with his absence than last year. I think part of it is the fact that this time he said he will be occasionally checking messages and returning phone calls, and last year that wasn't the case-- but I don't think that is the entire reason I'm doing better this time-- plus, I haven't left any messages for him.

I probably will leave him a message on the morning of my first day of school. I told him I would do this.

Otherwise, I'm just hanging in there. Maybe I have a better understanding of this whole T vacation thing because I am a therapist now-- and boy, do I need a vacation, lol. He is entitled to go away, just as I was entitled to lower my hours to part time b/c of my school schedule, and just as I was entitled to take an extra day off next week because of my school orientation.

I miss him, and I can't wait to see him again. But I'm ok with the separation. I do not feel as though he is not coming back. I KNOW he is coming back and I FEEL he is coming back.

I have been going through a lot of difficult days wtih my depression. This started way before he left though. I am okay with going through this without him here because I realize that I am going to feel this way right now, regardless. T isn't magic and whether he is here or not, he can't take it away.

I bought a book, "The Noonday Demon," by Andrew Solomon, which is amazing. It also helps me to feel connected to T because I know he read this book. The book has allowed me to cry and grieve over 10 years of depression, as it is a raw, beautifully written account of the illness, told in ways that I have never heard before. I recommend it. It is difficult for me to read, as it hits so close to home. I can only read small parts at a time. I can't wait to share this with T.

I still wish we processed the absence better. But maybe that's okay, too because the point of therapy is dealing and reacting to whatever comes up. It has allowed me to process his absence by myself, and by being forward with him by writing him that email, and letting him know what I thought about the how the situation was handled.

[Kiya]

Huh - I saw that book last week and walked away from it because... because I was not in the mood to admit depression to myself right then. I'm hiding right now in young adult fiction.

Sitting here, watching you walk through this. No good words.... but i'm i'm here if you want company.

Well, check you out, Pink! (((((((((((pink)))))))))))

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pinksoil said:
I am okay with going through this without him here because I realize that I am going to feel this way right now, regardless. T isn't magic and whether he is here or not, he can't take it away.

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This is big. It shows how much your therapy relationship has matured. I'm still in the "T is magical" phase myself (!) but your e-mail is a great example of where I hope to be someday with T - and with my other relationships.

I'm sorry you're dealing with depression right now. I'm always a PM away!!

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry I am so late replying but it occured to me that with so many posts of people struggling while their t are on vacation I thought it nice that someone share the growth they have had and how it shows in their absense. I think it is awesome pink. I hope that this helps everyone realize that things do progress and what a wonderful things that is.

Thanks for sharing.

BB

I really miss him, but I feel that this time, absence has made the heart grow fonder. I can't wait til Wednesday to see him again!! I left him one phone msg. (as I told him I would) on my first day of school. I also emailed him an analysis of a dream I had. He emailed me back and said that he was really glad that I wrote and called. I told him that this time, I genuinely hoped he was having a good time and I didn't picture the usual disastrous events (ex: T has a bbq on the beach and there is rainstorm, but only over his head, lol).

[Kiya]

Sounds like all good stuff, pink!
How was the first day of school?