[ella]

I'm new at this so bear with me... I have been in therapy for about 6 months with a therapist that I am starting to open up to (finally) and am connecting with more each session. The summer has been very rough and I feel like it's very hard to even talk when I am this depressed and sometimes feel like my sessions are a waste of time because i'm not able to participate as much as I would like to, and am sensing that my t is annoyed by this sometimes. I always seem to struggle with the issue of being a bad patient, and sometimes withold my true feelings because I am afraid of what he will think of me, which just adds to me not talking much to begin with.

I feel sort of helpless in this relationship because I feel like I need his support in ways I'm not able to ask for yet and it just adds to my frustration and depression when I can't tell him how I am feeling or how he can help me.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone ever feels this way or knows what I'm talking about and how you specifically deal with your feelings. I just feel so alone and in a dark place and don't know what to do.

[emilyjeanne]

Hello,

I totally understand where you are coming from. It took me a good year before I started to open up and talk to my T. What I have learned is that T's are trained and don't mind the silence. That is an important part of therapy. But you might want to start and talk about how you are feeling about being a bad patient. Or maybe talk about any feeling you are experiencing.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

(((((((((((((((((( ella ))))))))))))))))))))))

Can you tell your therapist the things you said in your post? That you're having a hard time opening up, that you're worried that your sessions are a waste of time and your T is annoyed? That you need his support and don't know how to ask for it?

Sometimes just talking about where we're at in the therapy relationship, in this moment, opens the door to so much more.

Welcome to PC.

[ECHOES]

Hi Ella and welcome!

Absolutely! What you are feeling I have felt and at times I still do.

No session is a waste even if it seems that way to you. Each session is a way for our T's to get to know us better, all parts of us.

Kudos to you for going even when you may not feel like it--that is a great accomplishment! Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to not go, but we go anyway because we trust the process. Being able to 'go anyway' isn't easy, and is something to give yourself a pat on the back for being able to do!

I still worry about being a bad, boring, incapable, (etc.) patient. I tell her when I'm feeling that way and we talk about it. Just her accepting all those kinds of feelings is reassuring and relieving.
I also took a loooong time to be able to trust enough to open up much. I had been seeing her weekly for 9+ months before I could say much. Then something happened, I guess I felt there was 'enough' trust, and I was able to take the plunge and see what would happen. It has been even better since I did that.

It is also natural to feel helpless or something similar: therapy is a lopsided relationship, but that will lessen and will feel better with time.

Congratulations on your 6 months in therapy!!!