abandoned chld/ abandoned adult?

I will try to make a long story short. I grew up as a foster child, got tossed around quite a bit until I was 9. Moved in with a step family where I was neglected physically,and emotionally. Basically I knew I was on my own when I was 7. I never wanted to find my biological parents, and to this day my step family still treats me like a step child, holding me an arms length away. Wore hand me downs most of my childhood, and finally went to the dentist when I earned enough money in my 20's to go. My high school boyfriend died in a tragic car accident, when I left for college. I learned very early in life to just let people go and move on. Please don't feel sorry for me, thats not what I want, besides these are just some facts of life to me. Now that I am an adult, I have had several relationships ending in abandonment as well. Those same feeling of being rejected, not fitting anywhere, being alone, come back over and over again. Is there a certain syndrom or personality disorder associated with abandoned children that affects their adult relationships as well? It's such an intense fear of not being good enough, and being alone and feeling like an outsider, I'm loosing hope in having a family of my own. My therapist told me I find men who keep me an arms length away just like my step-parents did. So what am I suppose to do? Please help?

Yep. They do.

Is there a certain syndrom or personality disorder associated with abandoned children that affects their adult relationships as well?

Well, I have a dx of complex ptsd. But I don't think it's the dx that counts. It's how we manage ourselves.

Keep going to therapy and love your inner child. It sounds like she has been through a lot.

Hi Daffy, those above feelings might be shining through for everyone to see. If you act like an outsider you will be treated like an outsider. If you feel like an outsider you will act like an outsider and this is what you will become. I read in a book decades ago that a person should just start acting like the person that they want to become and they will become that person. I tried it. It really does work. Actually, the person you want to be is really who you are.

Have you worked on your self-worth at all? You really did deserve better. You didn't get it but it wasn't because you didn't have value. You were just around people who had no appreciation for others.

I did the same thing with men. I was only interested in men who weren't available. They call it fear of intimacy. I was able to get over it and now I have been happily married for 17 years.

So much of what we learn as children can affect our lives as adults. As children we learn not by some manual, but by observing and modeling the behaviors of our primary care givers. So, the question you're asking makes a lot of sense.

One area of research that specifically talks about relationships is Attachment Theory. In a nutshell, the type of relationship we have with our primary care-giver has an ~80% chance of being the type of relationships we have as adults.

The really good news is, this can be changed as an adult. For me, that is part of the gift of therapy, that I can slowly learn to trust another person (T) in a safe environment. I can slowly feel the acceptance that I didn't have as a child.

It also really helped me to understand that it was in no way 'my fault'. Attachment is formed at such a young age, that there was no way I could have known any better. If anything, the fact that I have gotten this far, is a testament to my internal strength.

It can be tough to take an objective look at our adult relationships, and see how they mimic our parental relationships. But, it is so worth it. Once we see the pattern, then we can change it.

The most important thing -- be forgiving of yourself. You didn't 'deserve' to be brought up like you were, but you DO deserve love and compassion. Your caregivers may not have been able to give you that love, but you can learn now to give it to yourself.

You may want to read about Borderline Personality Disorder which includes intense abandonment fears as a symptom.
Also, attachment and attachment disorders (such as anxious attachment, neglect, etc) are very interesting to learn about.

A diagnosis can be relieving. ("No wonder I do this, think that, worry about these things", etc.) It is a definition of symptoms but not a label or and end product. My T also isn't big on diagnoses, but confirmed my suspicions raised by reading I was doing. She has said since to not get hung up on the diagnosis. She has only mentioned it once since confirming my thoughts.

I can imagine growing up in foster homes would make it hard to feel a sense of belonging and that intimacy would be hard in adulthood. A defense to protect against that difficulty would be to not let anyone get close. Also, when we don't have experience with being in a close relationship while growing up, we have to learn how to do that as adults.

It sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself and since awareness is they key to knowing what you want and don't want, what is working and what isn't, what your defenses are and why, you're heading in the direction you want to go!

Oh wow, we have similar stories!

Susan Anderson is an expert in abandonment recovery and teaches in Manhattan I believe at the Open Center. I started reading her book recently called "The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection" You start to understand things right away as you start to read you feel as though she knows exactly what you are going through. It is expensive! $77 on Amazon. But the reviews are amazing, and I'm happy I bought it.

I'd be careful with therapy for abandonment issues. They teach a lot of Extreme Selfishness these days, and it could backfire like it did me. They have helped me with setting boundaries, (also a good book called "Boundaries") that will help you get the love you need from dependable people more so.

I hope this helps.

I would be careful to find a good therapist that you can connect with, for sure. My therapy has been essential to me in learning about my abandonment issues, and beginning to heal from them.

Have you looked up RAD? Ractive attachment disorder? A lot of adoptees and foster children have similar reactions in life? They say Borderline personality disorder is the RAD child at adulthood...

If you find a book on Amazon that is expensive when new, check to see if it is available used also. Most of the books I get from Amazon now are used, and I have had few problems with them.

Mine was used! It was the cheapest at the time. They have come down now to $36 I believe. Wow...the price we pay for peace of mind.

[QUOTE=earthmama;812949]I would be careful to find a good therapist that you can connect with, for sure. My therapy has been essential to me in learning about my abandonment issues, and beginning to heal from them.

I wasn't going to say anything, but I just got abandoned by a T today and since you made this comment in reply to mine. I felt I should bring that up. Therapy is something I would consider very carefully before going into. it doesn't always work out like you thought it would. It's not your fault.

Learn as much as you can about it. Many good articles by DocJohn. Be prepared to go through many. DocJohn says even as high as 10 or 12 I believe. Don't get discouraged. But do look for someone who agrees to not abandon you from the beginning and really understands you..."get's who you are" and "where you are coming from". Best of luck!

daffy, I too have repeated patterns in my adulthood that I learned as a child. I have somehow ended up in (unconsciously sought out) relationships that repeat damaging and abusive patterns from the past. It feels familiar. My therapist suggested that one reason I seek these repetitive relationships out is an attempt to surmount the damage from my childhood and finally do the relationship "right." As a child I couldn't say "no" and "don't do that to me." As an adult, I am learning how to do that, and finally get it right. Then, the thinking goes, I will be free of the pattern and have a better chance of healthy relationships in the future. For me, so far, so good. A strong relationship with a committed and caring therapist has been essential for my progress. I could not have come as far as I have on my own. I had a couple of decades on my own to do that and got nowhere. Best of luck to you.

Jacqueline1110, Thank you for your information I am going to look into the readings your suggested.

I will check into this thank you.

It doesn't seem that a lot of therapists know how to deal with abandonment. They sorta just feel sorry for me and that doesn't help the situation, it actually makes it worse. So I agree with you, thank you