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Old Oct 27, 2008, 08:25 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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Had a bit of a difficult weekend because a memory of some abuse surfaced in session on Thursday. BUT I didn't cut even though I had an urge. I was trying to sort out the memory and on Sunday I left T a message so that I could get the thoughts OUT of my head. Sometimes when something comes up in session, I have such a hard time letting it go and I wind up obsessing over it until I can make some sense of it. T said that is the nature of traumatic memory. I asked him how we can process these things so it's loses it's grip a bit. He said he wasn't sure. We did some EMDR in the beginning of therapy but it just made things worse for me so maybe he doesn't think it's a good tool for me? Not sure.

The tension builds up inside of me and then I need a release. This weekend I used my Klonopin and I called T and left some of the "stuff" on his machine. I told T that I was trying to figure out certain things because when traumatic memory surfaces I worry that it threatens my well being, with suicidal ideation and desire to cut. We talked about those things I can do to break the cycle of the ptsd. And he said that I was getting better! He said that I need to use those things available to me, my klonopin, taking a walk, hanging with DH, taking a yoga class.

I told him he was a good cheerleader!

Oh yeah, I told him I wanted to just get rid of these thoughts and he said that once something comes up in therapy that we deal with it. I said, oh, like the cat's out of the bag? Then I told him that I sometimes want to just say forget about it--meaning therapy and the whole package. He asked me who I would be saying that to, and I said "you.....me"

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  #2  
Old Oct 27, 2008, 08:47 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow. Good for you for making it through the weekend using healthy coping tools. That is so, so, so good.

Sometimes when I have things bouncing around in my head, T has me write them down. It helps, actually. Gets them OUT for a bit. Sometimes I take them to T and he puts them in my special folder that we will burn someday. Sometimes I put them in my box. Sometimes I tear them into a million pieces. Sometimes I let him read them. But it's' like I have to do SOMETHING, or my brain just won't let go of the memory. It doesn't always work, but when it does, it is such a relief.

I hear you about wanting to forget about therapy! I even left T a message on the way to AA to that effect tonight. And then something happened at AA that made me realize how grateful I am to have T, so on we go, you, me, our Ts.

Sending love and
  #3  
Old Oct 27, 2008, 09:12 PM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
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Originally Posted by MissCharlotte View Post
Oh yeah, I told him I wanted to just get rid of these thoughts and he said that once something comes up in therapy that we deal with it.
My T said something similar...'Our mind/brain can put it to bed once it is out.'
I recall this email message was so comforting at the time. Wish I could bring that feeling back tonight.

God I feel like I have done my job in trying to get it out...but it just isn't going away.

If they are all saying similar things there has to be some merit to it.
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  #4  
Old Oct 28, 2008, 12:48 AM
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((((((Miss))))))))
When I first started therapy, the T started with EMDR - and it also made things so much worse. 6 years later, current T used it slightly to move me out of a scary spot that I had got into during therapy. So, not to use it to bring up things, but to move it out once it is up. It seemed to be useful. She's only done it the one time. She didn't tell me she was going to, but I recognized it. And she didn't make a big deal about it. Kinda like a good mom carefully and gently/calmly moving a wasp away from a child.
It is good that you are starting to seek other measures. Yay you =) Likewise this weekend i used my med instead of worse coping strategies. T said to me "we are healing". We. Miss, WE are healing. We're another step up on the spiral.
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  #5  
Old Oct 28, 2008, 01:27 AM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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earthmama:
Quote:
But it's' like I have to do SOMETHING, or my brain just won't let go of the memory
T said that is the nature of trauma. Our brains just keep replaying stuff over and over. I like the idea of your box of stuff to burn! I also write -- journaling, poetry, lots and lots of poetry. The problem is that when it is so intense I can't write because I can't concentrate enough.

Kiya:
Quote:
Miss, WE are healing. We're another step up on the spiral.
We are, aren't we? Just about two weeks ago I decided that healing was crap, but I guess it isn't. LOL

Chaotic:
Quote:
God I feel like I have done my job in trying to get it out...but it just isn't going away.
I'm sorry you are feeling so low, but hang in there. It has taken me TWO YEARS just to begin to feel like healing is even possible. And belive me, I feel it tonight but don't be surprised if it's gone tomorrow. I guess what I'm telling you is that the processing takes time. It's not as if we can spit things out and be done with it--as much as I would like it to be true.
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  #6  
Old Oct 28, 2008, 05:41 AM
Anonymous29412
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Originally Posted by MissCharlotte View Post

The problem is that when it is so intense I can't write because I can't concentrate enough.



.
Just so you know, when I say I write in those moments, I mean I grab a black crayon and some paper and just WRITE - words, pictures, scribbles, whatever poison needs to come out of me. Not poetry, or journaling, or whatever. But I get what you are saying about not being able to concentrate, too....sometimes it's too overwhelming to wander in for the crayon and paper. But when I let Little Me put what she needs to put on paper, it does help.

Huh. Writing this, I realize I should take my own advice. I had something really upsetting happen last night (that I posted on the SI board) and it's bouncing around in my head. Maybe I should get off the computer and get a crayon. Duh.
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