Little Art Therapy

This past week I had a lot of mental noise bottled up in my head after my last session 2 weeks before. After venting here, I felt like I was really ready for therapy last week. Then my appointment was canceled at the last minute. This really upset me, but that's OK I think.

Anyway after flipping out I focused my busy brain on other things. Well this afternoon I sat down and tried to REALLY clear my head. Instead of journaling I had the urge to draw. I used to do this a lot as a kid...rarely draw anymore. What came out was really amazing. I ended up drawing a picture of my therapy room--ugly couch, T's chair, the empty chair, ... everything I see when there. The crazy thing was then I started filling the room with other people! Other versions of me. When I was done there were a total of 5 figures including the me who sit at the far corner of the of the couch. After doing this the noise in my head was silent????

Is this weird or what?

I just went back and looked at my drawing... I left my T's chair is empty. However, I had put her filled and smoking coffee mug on the corner of bookshelf next to her chair...Hmmm..think I am still harboring some residual anger at the canceled appointment?...LOL

This was just too weird, I had to share it with someone.

Maybe you should give them names! First thing that comes to you off the top of your head. Then write a description of each one. I bet that would be very revealing.

Too bad there were only five. We could've used Snow T and the seven chaotics.

I think it's totally cool! Sounds like all different ego states. Were they all the same age or different?

Maybe your T's chair was empty because your therapy is about you. Or maybe you feel she would be overwhelmed by all the different "you's" so you didn't put her in the pic for her safety's sake.

Will you bring this drawing to show your T?

That is amazing that after your drawing, your head no longer hurts. I think you're on to something.

Have you rescheduled your appointment with T?

Wow, i also like the "filled and smoking coffee mug on the corner of bookshelf next to her chair..." aweseom details! Very curious!

Wow, Chaotic, that is SO cool. I think you may have stumbled onto a way to quiet some of the noise in your head - and learn some really cool things about yourself in the process.

Will you take the picture to T?

Sorry your appt was canceled - that stinks.

I love this. I have done the same thing--only without me in the picture.

One weekend about two months ago, when I had TONS of head noise, I used pastels and drew his room. I showed the picture to T and he said he would have preferred it if he were in it. LOL I told him from the angle I drew it, all I could have managed was his foot.

Interestingly enough, in my picture I added a lot of color that isn't there IRL.

Sooooooo, to answer your question. I do NOT think it's weird. I think it's really cool because I think it means you have internalized that space and it's important to you. Cool.

This statement cracked me up. Especially, since the room was pretty crowded and the figures we scattered around the room. I am really suprised I am not responding negatively to this drawing. I guess this shows I am chilling out. Orange Bloosom, When I looked at the picture again this morning, I realize on of the figures, looked like an adolesent-deliquent with arms crossed

Hadn't thought about that. Your use of color is interesting, wonder what that means.

My picture is just a pencil sketch but some things are very detailed. Everytime I look at it more little details jump out at me. For example the only part of the me that sits in the far corner of the couch is the legs and a very tense looking hand on the arm rest. The picture is drawn from this me's perspective. Two of the figures are looking at this figure the other two are looking towards T's chair. None of the faces are filled in--just noses and outlines, none have hair, one has very detailed clothing the rest don't. It is hard to tell...I'm not a very skilled artist... LOL but the feeling I get when looking at the figures is that no they are not all the same age. I do see what feels like a representation of the little ferial child ego state, she is under the chair across from me.

I have the urge to add another figure but I don't want to reck the picture. I am really kind of glad I am not feeling negative about drawing this, I actually kind of like it.

As for sharing it with my T... well most of you can imagine the debate going on among these ego states about that. LOL. I know some of the resistance I am feeling is the same old paranoid fear about unknowingly exposing something really pathological...or having my T think..."what a freak I'm dealing with." I still struggling with what I shared with her last session and wondering what it really says about me. I'm trying to counter these vulnerability fears with other good things that could come from sharing it. At this point...I don't know. I'm learning a lot about myself in this drawing...I'm just not sure if it is really meant to be shared.

The good news, is it doesn't feel like my ego states are arguing at this point--just discussing pros/cons. If I have learned anything from my last T session it is .... I need to avoid pushing myself by setting a specific agenda for T. Last session I did this...my T kept to the topic...and I paid a high price afterwards. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be, then again maybe not. In hindesight I think I used my last appointment to wage war against myself and attack parts of me that I don't like. A lot of productive insight came out of last session, but I traumatize myself in the process. I need to find a less harmful way to do therapy.

Sorry for rambling

Hmmm. Kinda sounds like FlowerChild from White Petals.

Exactly! When I went back and looked over the whole picture, I started thinking who are these people. Then my mind jump immediately to your story. Some of the figures I drew are very familiar others...I don't know what to make of them..not sure what they represent. I guess with time I will figure out who or what they all are supposed to be.

Thanks again for sharing that with me. I think it was part of the reason I didn't respond negatively after creating this drawing.

Chaotic, when are you meeting with your T again? Did you get to reschedule that canceled appointment?

When I read about your wonderful drawing, it makes me wish I could draw. It sounds like you are using it as another window into understanding yourself.

LOL-- that's excellent.
I really think you should give it to your T as a gift. It will certainly make for an interesting therapy session.

Simcha...you crack me up...it is definately a discusion piece! Sunrise I appreciate your positive comments.The drawing detailed but I would classify it as unintentionally abstact art LOL.

Anyway, I am still feeling positive about it and the new tool I seem to have tapped into. I am currently in the waiting room for my T session. I brought the picture with me, but am not going to push myself this session. If it comes out then great, if not then maybe Ill share the next one.

Thanks for keeping me positive

I was fairly relaxed today, felt like I squirmed around a lot trying to discuss all the places my mind has taken me the last 3 weeks. Then right at the end my T asked me a question processing something and out came my mention that I had drew something. My T was very surprised and after a lot more spinning around in my seat...I showed her the drawing. Simcha... it was definitely made for an interesting discussion. T was like...I can't believe you presented this in the 11th hour. My session went over time and I was encouraged to draw more.

WOW! I was really hoping you'd show it to her. I'm glad it led to such good discussion AND encouragement to draw more. So cool!!!!

What an awesome tool you've stumbled upon...

Yes, I think this tool may yield some insights. I just drew another one. It clearly shows how some of the aspects of me are feeling about my share today. I am feeling very exposed at the moment. My T asked if she could keep the drawing for a while. I resisted but I couldn't say no for some reason. I don't know maybe it is just my paranoia, but I felt like she was going to show it to someone else. I have no bases for this feeling ... I just got a feeling at that moment like I was going to be a topic of discussion around the water cooler or dinner table tonight. I have no evidence for this assumption so I just need to put it out of my head.

Overall my T seemed to have trouble containing her excitement about the discovery that I can draw.

((((chaotic))))
Thanks for always having interesting posts that I can direct my ADHD spastic energy towards . Instead of my spastic lightening speed rambling, I can make semi-coherent comments (hopefully without rambling)!!

I've enjoyed drawing since I was four years old. I find it's helpful in a similar way to journaling is. Just like with therapy, you stick with it and over time you get better at it and your confidence raises. Usually when we push ourselves to far (in any endeavor, therapy included), we sabotage our natural progress.

I'm so glad you shared the drawing, chaotic, and that your session went well.

LOL, great doorknob stuff!

I found this to be such a curious statement, and I keep returning to it. Why on earth would your T even try to contain her excitement about this? If it were me, I would definitely ask her next time why she didn't want to share her excitement. Do you think she felt she would overwhelm you if she let you know she was excited about this?

Cool!

(((((((((((((Chaotic)))))))))))))) If you are really worried about T showing the drawing to other people, call her or e-mail her and tell her that you don't want anyone else to see it. She will respect that.

I think my T is very conscious of how she responds to the things I share. I have a lot of trouble when my actions spark too much of a reaction. During that session in particular I had a really hard time accepting her comments about my having artistic talent. I don't really see it that way. Yes, I can draw something other than stick figures...but I would not classify my level of competence as a "talent". I've mentioned several times that I really struggle and feel uncomfortable with too much direct attention. Now that I've figured out that she is mindful of her responses....I tend to look closely in an attempt to gauge her real reactions. If she would have responded with too much outward excitement the internal warning bells would have sounded. They kind of sounded even with the level of interest she did show. I would have definitely assumed that what I showed her was really pathological, communicated way too much than I realized, or I was being patronized. I would have immediately retreated...with the drawing...end of that type of sharing. I know... that reaction is my paranoia instinct at play again...can't help it.

EM....I could send her a message like that, but... if she is sharing it with others... she is not going to let me know about it. I am a total freak about privacy -this I have clearly indicated throughout our interactions. All this message would assure me is that she would then know that I still don't really trust that she is a safe place to go with stuff like this. If I were her and received a message like that from a patient I was working with this long, it would just piss me off. If a patient kept questioning my integrity and sincerity like I do, she/he would have been given the boot a long time ago. (..to the moon Alice!)

Luckily, for patients out there...I'm not in the psycho-therapy profession.

While it would be difficult, I think you should bring up how you feel. My therapist and I have had many discussion about trust. Both about how I am working on making it an action and how it is hard. It is so easy to slip into old behaviors. What we share or disclose in therapy is so personal, it seems natural that we would feel nervous about it. If we cannot trust it is very hard to share, therefore I believe you have to talk about the negative feelings toward your T. Not easy but growth is hard.

Dalila,
I get what you are saying. One thing that came up in our quick discussion of the drawing was my level of fear.one of the main figures appeared very scared. I have no idea why.And it was clear T was suprise by it too. Anyway, we do occasionally talk about trust and my ongoing fear.