[sunrise]

There is a tone to our most recent session, as if I am finishing up. With the divorce? With therapy? There is a sense of closure on the horizon. This is coming from me, not him.

The night before my session, I downloaded a recording of T presenting a workshop at a professional meeting. In his workshop, he used an essay I had written, as a client perspective. The participants read the essay silently and then briefly discussed, and T referenced it several times in his presentation. After the session was over, he read my entire essay into the microphone so that it would be included on the recording. There was something deeply moving about hearing T read my words. I know he was just doing it for the sake of the recording, but I just felt so much caring from him as I listened to him speak my words. I was really overwhelmed and felt a lot of love and caring towards him flowing out of me.

I go to therapy in this context. I am in a very warm, open, magnanimous mood. My positive affect is off the scale, and I am not holding much back. I feel so strongly about everything, and I want him to know everything. It is my gift.

Interestingly, one thing we talk about is when H and I were doing couples therapy with him. I tell him how I am a little sad, wistful, that we didn’t do more, go deeper. That I felt our therapy was on the surface a lot, and quite different from what he sometimes describes to me that he has done with other couples. I was a little hesitant to say this, as I didn’t want to seem critical, as he has done so much to help us. He told me how a lot of what we were able to do was determined by my H, and how far he was actually capable of going, which wasn’t very deep. We did have some moments, both in therapy and in the legal meetings, and T helped me recall these, and I was grateful. I’m trying to draw meaning out of our marriage and its end, and sometimes I need help at remembering everything that has happened on this journey. That’s one reason I have T along—to bear witness, and be a record of sorts, a human record. T says he will try to make space for more meaningful expression at our next meeting. These meetings, in their own way, have the potential to be healing (not something the lawyers are always in tune with).

I tell him he is changing the world. He doesn’t deny it. I think he likes that I understand.

At some point T is telling me at length about a specific session with a couple in which they were discussing sexuality. I was fine hearing this at the time, and found it interesting. Later, at home, my thoughts kept returning to this. I was feeling distinctly out of synch with what he had told this couple. I often feel out of synch with what T describes he does with other couples. I am now feeling a rather insistent need to talk to T about the sexual dimension of my marriage, which I haven't talked to him much about before. I’m not sure what this is all about.

In the course of our conversation, T mentions that he is 6 foot 1. I say, I have always really liked that about you, that you are so tall. Why? he asks. Because my H is not tall and you are a lot bigger than he is. T looks at me, “and?” I liked that because it made me feel you could protect me from him. I was just about to say that, says T. We smile. I really like being in touch with this primal feeling. What could be more primal than a woman wanting a big guy around to protect her from a hostile, smaller one? I love that I can share this with him.

I tell him I am kind of sad the legal meetings are drawing to an end. Not that I like the meetings (in fact, I often dread them--they are hard!), but that I won’t see any of these people again. I’ve shown a lot of myself to these people, and have come to know them and their quirks quite well. I think of them fondly, almost like family, and I will miss them. I’ve known my lawyer for almost 3 years, and she is just the best--a perfect fit for me. Is it strange to feel sad about that, I wonder, but T says no, it is normal. I say a little about each team member. T encourages me to tell them. I don’t know—the meetings are filled with business. We'll see. I even am feeling grateful to my H, for letting me do the divorce the way I needed to. This is what I meant about feeling a sense of closure. We are talking a lot about things as if the end is coming. I just feel we are cycling to the finish. It has the feeling of Autumn—the leaves falling off the trees, the crisp air, change afoot, and the natural cycle coming to a close.

At the door (knob), I tell him my divorce is one of the best things I have ever done in my life, and by that, I mean the way I have done it. So that I may understand how strongly he is affected by this pronouncement, he reacts as if my words have a force that knocks him back in his chair. I mean what I said, but it’s another gift for him too. When this is all over, I won’t be able to say that he doesn’t know how I felt. No regrets. Closure. He hugs me and I again feel how very tall he is.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((sunrise)))))))))))))))))
Thanks for sharing this.
I am glad this has been a positive experience for you,
even though it was hard.
Your writing and descriptions of things are very touching.
I'm glad you have a tall T to protect you.

[skeksi]

That's beautiful, Sunrise, just beautiful. It's so heartening to read about your wonderful connection, that even a terribly hard thing like the divorce can also have opportunities for growth in it for you. You have tremendous insight.

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You and T have taken something that could have torn you apart inside (the divorce) and turned it into an opportunity for healing, growth, change. That is an amazing thing. You've worked really, really hard with T, and with the rest of the team, to do this in the best way possible. You've spent a lot of time with the team doing something really intimate....it makes sense that seeing that come to an end would bring a sadness.

And I wonder if some part of you is afraid that the end of the divorce will somehow signal the end of therapy with T?? Or maybe there is a fear of not knowing what direction the therapy will take when the divorce finally comes to an end? I worry about that sometimes with T....if I actually work my way through trauma X, will I still need therapy? What will happen to my relationship with T?

Of course, I know you know that the thing to do is to talk about all of this with T. You have such a strong, loving relationship with him. Sometimes I wonder if your fear of therapy coming to an end someday keeps you from talking about it with him (like it will "remind" him of his 3 year "limit")...because you have mentioned it here, but I'm not sure if you've really discussed that fear with T yet??

((((((((((((((((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Growing and healing is so beautiful and so painful at the same time.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,
When I read this post the intensity of the connection you have with your T seems overwhelming to me. I think it is great that you are able to step back and allow yourself to feel it and express it. It sounds like it is incredibly comforting but very scary at the same time. I'm glad you are brave enough to allow yourself to feel all of it without running.

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunrise))

Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

[sunrise]

everyone

Originally Posted by earthmama

You and T have taken something that could have torn you apart inside (the divorce) and turned it into an opportunity for healing, growth, change.

T always says, "Divorce breaks your heart. ----pause---- Wide open."

You've spent a lot of time with the team doing something really intimate....it makes sense that seeing that come to an end would bring a sadness.

Yes, it has been intimate. I really, really rebeled against that; for me, it was probably the hardest part of collaborative divorce--that I had to let a room of strangers in on so many personal and painful things. But we have shared some fine moments of caring and integrity. We've also shared some volatile moments--crazy times when the room seemed too small to hold the tension.

And I wonder if some part of you is afraid that the end of the divorce will somehow signal the end of therapy with T??

Yes.

Or maybe there is a fear of not knowing what direction the therapy will take when the divorce finally comes to an end?

I do have a desire to work through some traumatic and influential events of my early adulthood, a place T and I have never gone. If I could do that, I think a big piece of my soul would be healed.

What will happen to my relationship with T?

I wonder about that too but not a lot right now because it's too scary and hard. I am the stuffmaster and excel at compartmentalization.

I know you know that the thing to do is to talk about all of this with T.... Sometimes I wonder if your fear of therapy coming to an end someday keeps you from talking about it with him (like it will "remind" him of his 3 year "limit")...because you have mentioned it here, but I'm not sure if you've really discussed that fear with T yet??

No, I haven't discussed any of this. I'm not ready. (Are we ever ready?)

In the meantime, we are still working on the D, and that, in its own way, has brought me joy.